Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Lady-Sylvanas 04/05/2018

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have been together for 7 years and have two beautoful little boys.

Shortly after we were married, I discovered that my husband had a converaation woth a woman and tried initiating sex. The incidwnt happened before we married, a month before thw birth of our first child.

I waa broken. Hurt. Felt like i could never trust him again.

I made him aware if I ever found this happened again I would take our son and be gone.

Outside of him liking a few womens photos on facebook, i havent found anything else.

So, after all that hurt. After being on that side. How is it that I am the one who is sitting here thinking of a different man?

No one knows. Not even the other man. Maybe he does, I have found myself flirting.

And i dont get it. This man is very much like my husband. He is geeky... he isnt as outspoken as my husband, he doesnt disregard others opinions like my husband. He looks nothing like my husband. He is a more reserved and polite version of my husband.

My husband and i work complete opposite shifts. We have to. He works days and i work grave. At home, I am alone with our 3 and 5 year old all day. Its hell. I love my children, they just drive me crazy.

When my husband gets home, he gets pissed because something didnt get done. I cant do anything other than supervise them 110% of the time. No joke.

When i do try to get something accomplished, he bitches at me for whatever ths kids have done, wondering why I wasnt watching them. Yet, when i do nothing but watch them, i get bitched at for doing nothing.

So he gets home he immediately starts screaming at the kids. They spend the rest of the day in their rooms. They are not to bother their father.

I am chronically ill. I have multiple conditiins that will never be cured. Ever. I need brains urgery for a rare condition. My surgeon is in NYC, we live in kentucky.

He makes me feel like shit for going so far away. But this guy specializes in my condition. There are no true specialists anywhere near us.

Last year when I went up there for my first surgery, he was supposed to meet me up there after his work week was over. He was supposed to stay from saturday until wednesday. He didnt.

Coorperate conveniently was doing a random inspection and he HAD to stay back otherwise he said they would fire him. So i laid in the hospital all alone.

When I am in pain, he doesnt care. He does for a little while. But if my flare lasts longer than one night, it then becomes a nuisance.

Sex hurts. But we still have it. I have seen doctor after doctor. My only option left is to have a procedure done that wil cost me 3 grand and there is no garuntee it will work. I havent gotten aroused in so long I cant remember. He doesnt even try. We dont go on dates . His way of initiating sex is "hey, wanna do it? " .. then we just go and have sex. Or "hey wanna blow me". There is zero romance . Nothing.

So.. i know i cant be alone in any of this.. how do you get past this?

rmb 04/05/2018

Are you asking why you think about another man? Because it sounds like your current man doesn’t give you what you need.

Marriage is hard. It’s even harder when couples work opposite shifts and so don’t spend time with each other and as a family. It’s even harder when there is infidelity. And even THAT much harder when you add a chronic illness.

He sounds as unhappy as you sound. Maybe marriage counseling could help you both figure it out. You said you guys have no choice in the hours you work. If your marriage and family are at stake, that may have to be rethought.

Lady-Sylvanas 04/05/2018

Thank you rmb. I posted this elsewhere and was instantly shamed with no wisdom or insight given.

Have you ever been through couples counceling? Did it work?

Im concerned that my husband wont even give it a try. He has said before when i brought up the idea that he thought it was a stupid idea. He doesnt talk to therapists. Its stupid.
He is very much "im right, youre wrong"

Dont get me wrong. I love him very much. I have since the day I met him. He also works very hard and always has.

It feels like me, our family, is no longer priority #1

SunCloudJD 04/06/2018

I agree that you both sound really unhappy and he takes it out on very young children as well as you

Is there anyway that you could start working the same shift and put your children into daycare

It might enrich all of your lives if you could find a way??

I would have a really frank discussion with your husband when there is some calm in the home and let him know that this can't continue...... There's far too much damage being done

I also agree with couple's therapy..... Finding a healthy way to communicate your needs is so important or even a mediator if you can't get into ongoing therapy

I'm sorry that you're unwell and suffering...... Big hug......xo

SunCloudJD 04/06/2018

This is the children's formative years and dealing with them by intimidation will come back to bite him

Some info on the formative years..... If you could get the kids into daycare and get a day job it may turn a lot around for all of you even if you have to cut corners in other areas of your life ????.... Perhaps

http://www.theborneopost.com/2011/06/12/formative-years-critical-for-child’s-development-success-throughout-life/

Red_Wolf 04/17/2018

Hi there, first let me say thank you for not acting on the thoughts of the other man. I am curious, has he always been this way, or has this behavior increased over the years? I came across your post because I think at one point I may have been just like your husband. Damn near identical time frames. I didn't see myself in this light. Perhaps at the time I was unable. I think maybe I had gotten too complacent in the relationship and stopped putting in effort. And I truly and honestly didn't see it or realize I was acting in such a negative way. Well, I paid the price for my ignorance. My wife slept with another man and now I have to live with the pain daily. We're still together and in a much better place, but the thought of her being with someone else is a daily occurrence. Which is why I'm here to begin with. That being said, please know that feelings for someone else, given the state of relationship, makes sense. It's only natural when someone is neglected they look for support in other places, But please stay on the moral high ground for now and avoid going down the road of infidelity. Some choices can't be undone. I don't mean to lecture or slap your hand, I just don't want to see something that can be brought back to good thrown away. I wish someone had spoken up and said something to my wife. And also, I wish someone had spoken up and said something to me when I was acting so terribly. Or even forced my hand. If your husband is refusing to go to a therapist I would recommend going by yourself. And let it be known. If he sees you putting in effort my hope is that he will follow. Thinking back to this point in our relationship I think that if my wife had gone to counseling and had told me that she was doing it for us because she wants to stay together, I would have gone. I also wish my wife had spoken up more. Even if it was in the form of a letter or text, a way in which she was comfortable communicating. It needn't be combative, just something expressing in the most honest way how you feel and that you want to make efforts together to make it right. Please please feel free to respond to this post. I would very much like to help in any way I can.

Misred 04/18/2018

I think that you are thinking about this other man as an escape from your everyday life. I can see the misery you are feeling. I can see his misery too. What I have learned about men is that they are fixers and they take pride in that. Women like to just talk out their problems and not necessarily get advice. Men don't understand that , so when we women talk about a problem, the man will focus on how to fix it and give advice. It frustrates them when we don't take their advice.

You wrote the kids drive you crazy and that you cannot get things done. Is there a Mother's day out program in your area? When my kids were little their grandparents kept them once a week. That allowed me to go to my dr appointments, shop, get the cars oil changes etc without bringing them. It was a huge help for me.

I'm sorry you are in physical pain all the time. (((HUGS))) I know you already know this, but I'm just going to confirm it for you. Cheating will not make anything going on in your life better one bit.

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