I don’t have many friends to talk to about this. Or any, really. I’m feeling very alone and haven’t gone a sober day in months. There is something that has bothered me nonstop for years that I need to let out. This is going to be long and I don’t expect anyone to stick with me through it, but just the thought of someone hearing me out feels a whole lot less icky.

Seven years ago (2013) I met someone incredible. Let’s call him Leo. 

Leo and I shared many things in common. We were both creatives with creative jobs and creative ambitions. We enjoyed learning new things and having honest conversations. We genuinely craved each other’s company and cared for each other. Leo was my person—there was no denying that.

Two years into our journey, I couldn’t help but question why we never made our relationship “official”. Leo lived an hour away, which meant I could only be with him on my days off. I trusted him and we spoke constantly during our days apart, so I really had no reason to believe he would be seeing anyone else. I suppose I only wanted a label for security; to confirm that we both felt romantically about each other and wanted to move forward together.

Pressing this did not go over well, and Leo shut me down. Oof. What?

At that point, I didn’t know what to believe. Was the feeling something I had concocted in my head? Two years is a long time to be with somebody and not want to be WITH them. It kinda broke me. I was hurt and felt like a fool. I downloaded Tinder. F*ck it, right?

A few weeks in, I met someone I recognized from my hometown (let’s call him Derek). Derek wasn’t a very attractive guy, but a nice guy. Right off the bat, I told him about my Leo bullsh*t and I agreed to join totally platonic hangouts with his friends. I mean, I wasn’t exactly emotionally available. Why did I even download Tinder? I’m an idiot, clearly.

Little by little, the platonic hangouts became a little less.......platonic. Before I knew it, I was spending nights at Derek’s place. Derek quickly expressed his interest in me and told me things that I desperately wanted to hear from my previous interest. Whatever. My heart was full. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

Oh sh*t. I’m still in love with Leo. 

I reached out to Leo to tell him about Derek and arrange to gather my belongings. We met at a sporting event to exchange our things and have a heart-to-heart in the bleachers. I told him that I had strong feelings for him but felt rejected and disheartened. Leo broke down and said that it was not his intention—that I was the woman he was interested in and there was not a close second. He stated that he believed modern relationships were a false paradigm, and didn’t want to risk tacking on expectations to something so purely great.

I was speechless. I hugged him. I grabbed my things. He wished me the very best in my new life with Derek. I never heard from Leo again.

Roughly five years later, Derek and I are engaged with a house together. We haven’t had sex in months. We both have our nose in our phones after work and there are very few things that we agree on, so we often avoid communication to spare us from arguments. I do love him—but more like an annoying sibling. I feel alone and have resorted to alcohol to muffle the noise. I’ve stopped taking care of myself. Every day, all I can think about is how much better things were before I met him. I feel so awful for thinking that way. I miss Leo so much. He was right. I miss the honesty, the passion, the interaction. Even if I ended things with Derek, there is obviously no going back to what I had at this point. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick and ashamed that I’ve let this take such a toll on me after most of a decade.

TLDR; I let go of a really great thing 7 years ago and it’s haunting me daily