Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members

13,641 Posts

1 Online

lostpup 03/03/2015

My fiance cancelled our wedding 6 weeks before the wedding. We have been together for 7.5 yrs and friends for almost 10. He sites depression as the reason for cancelling but is unable to identify the cause of his depression. He says he sees everything in life in a negative way. He also says he wants to be with me but needs time to work with his doctor to sort out his depression. What am I supposed to do? I don't know how to support him because we can't really identify what is the problem and I want to be there for him. I am also caught up in my feelings because of the wedding cancellation that is has been hard for me to cope. I am in the process of trying to understand if his depression was from him dreading being married to me or other life issues. Because he's still telling me he loves me and wants us to get back to our relationship prior to his depression, but unless we manage the depression itself how can we. For the first time in 4 yrs we are not living together and I really want to go home but I desperately need the support from my family and they refuse to do so if I stay in my home with my fiance. What do I do first? Anyone else go through a cancelled wedding or know someone who did? How did they cope?

Giselle123 03/03/2015

That is a tough one. Did you notice a change in his behavior? If was planning to marry this man then I would be supportive. If he had always been loving and caring before, maybe he is going through depression.
I do have a friend who canceled her wedding twice, weeks before she was to walk down the aisle. She was very stressed about her career (she was a ballerina) and worried if she got married he'd make her quit. Luckily for her he was understanding and stuck it out. The third time was a charm and they have two daughters now.
So only you can decide if he is worth it. I wish you the best.

SleepyWalrus 03/03/2015

Depression doesn't always have a clear cause/source and sometimes the depressed person might not be able to fully grasp or articulate how it is making them feel. Especially if they don't even understand what is causing them to feel depressed in the first place.

From the sounds of things (and based on experience) it could be that he had some preexisting issues with mild depression that were being kept in check until stress caused it to flair up. Alternatively the depression could just be a recent development caused by stress/anxiety.

Either way if he is trying to get treated for it that's a good thing. Just try to be patient and supportive and he should be able to overcome it before too long if he is getting treatment for it.

lostpup 03/03/2015

During the past month he had seemed distracted and we spoke about it. He said he was very stressed about the wedding so I took on doing more around the house and whatever possible to help ease his stress. I thought I was projecting my stress unto him because I did all of the wedding planning and was extremely overwhelmed. But then he came to me one day and said he was having suicidal thoughts and I told him to go to the therapist which he did and less than a week later he cancelled the wedding. I am hurt but I love him unconditionally. Regardless if we end up together or not I always will love him. He has been very loving and caring throughout our whole relationship. Which I guess is why I didn't see this devastation coming. I feel like we can get past it if he wants to. I am always willing to try for him. He earned it over the past 7.5 yrs. Our only major issue has been around getting married. Funny thing is I don't need to be married to be with him. And he clearly has a problem with marriage and still thinks that it's something he wants to do in the future. it's all so bizarre.

cottontail 03/06/2015

He sounds a nice person, perhaps it was just the big wedding that has freaked him out. I would let him know everything you have written in this and give him time. It is a shame that your family are reacting like this although it was traumatic for you that he cancelled it, that takes a lot of guts and better to cancel if having doubts than to get married and make the person unhappy. I do wish you both well and hope it works out. Depression is an awful thing and it is hard to think straight.

koolman 03/06/2015

I've never been close to going down the aisle, but I do know a thing or two about depression. I keep it at bay with exercise and watching comedies, but it still rears its ugly head sometimes, and I have to ride it out.

Maybe it's his expectations of what marriage is, based on input from your family, that is freaking him out, having to make some serious money, etc. How motivated is he as far as breadwinning? Does he have a job?

Join the Conversation