Hi all, I’ve been dating a man for about 5 months now, he lives in another city 2 hours away. I’ve been doing most of the driving to see him on the weekends because of car problems and other things. Generally our communication has been decent, texting almost every day, talking on the phone regularly, but last week threw me for a loop. He was very vague about making weekend plans and seemed to be making excuses and backing off. He told about a situation with one of his friends that was upsetting him. I listened to him talk at length about that and sympathized, but it kind of sounded like another excuse for not making an effort with me (he also might have broken his toe, and was feeling grumpy, etc.). It was late, so we made plans to talk the next day. But the next day I texted him and tried to call with no response. I figured he got busy, and gave him another day before I followed up, just with “hello? Hope you’re ok”. Again no response.

At that point I was fairly sure that my instincts were correct and he wanted to end things without telling me directly. My mind went from thinking there might be someone else to the old standby that he’s just not that into me, or a million other possibilities. I couldn’t keep pestering him, so I kind of resigned myself to letting him go. He was intentionally ignoring me, and that stung. Two more days passed, still nothing. I knew he was ok because he posted things on social media. It appeared he had totally ghosted me, and I was driving myself crazy obsessing over what I might have done, knowing I might never get an answer from him. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work. Finally yesterday I realized I needed closure so I sent him a message without expecting a response. I basically told him that I had no idea what happened, but it was hurtful that someone I thought to be kind and empathetic would ghost me like that. Surprisingly, he did respond. Sent me a long rambling text about how it has nothing to do with me, that he’s been terribly depressed and can’t get out of bed, more about his friend’s saga, how he feels guilty when he can’t share the travel burden to see me, but he can’t afford it, feels like his life is in shambles. He thinks I’m great and our relationship is great, but is not sure he should really be with someone right now. He wants me to wait for him to get through his issues, but understands if I can’t. I told him I’m here to talk if he wants, I still consider him a friend and care about him regardless. He said he would take me up on that and call soon…but I’m not holding my breath.

Basically I’m more confused than ever today. I feel like this relationship is over, but I no longer have the closure I found when I resigned myself to being ghosted by him. I regret the message I sent yesterday, though it was exactly what I felt at that time and I thought it out very carefully before sending it to make sure it was compassionate and not snarky. Again I feel like I’m waiting for him to call and resolve things to a certain extent. I feel like I can’t move on. I still love him and in some ways even want to stay with him, knowing he’s suffering, I want to help him (yes, I do have a history of semi co-dependent relationships and questionable boundaries). How do I go forward?