Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone,
I recently posted a topic "talking to a wall" in which I got some great feedback about male/ female communication - Thanks to all those who responded. It was a great dialogue.
Unfortunately, I guess I did what some people refer to as too much "yapping" because my partner broke off the relationship.
He's been away and started an email dialogue in an effort to be more open about how he feels, etc. And I responded as positively as I could, but also shared my thoughts and feelings in response. But I guess I went overboard in my last email, because he didn't want to do it anymore and said he gives up.
In our last dialogue he was blaming my personality for how he copes with things, and I disagreed because how we cope with things (whatever emotion we choose to deal with our situation) is our choice. And I didn't want to be blamed for his feelings, just as he didn't like me blaming him for things.
I also talked about how difficult things have been for me over the course of two years - my grandfather died, got pregnant and had a baby that I've been raising as a single parent (even when we were together), my mother died, and I got a herniated disk in the same week (that I'm still recovering from), and I've been suffering sleep deprivation (minimal support in raising my 20 month old), and trying to work at home as well, not to mention daily responsibilities.
Sorry if I sound like an old country song but it's been hard for me having faced these challenges and mostly alone. And I think it's because I've been facing it all alone, even though in and out of my relationship, that I think is why it's been hard to manage all of this stuff (with minimal support).
I was trying to explain this to him in a way that pointed to the impact that going through all that stuff in a short period of time would have on the relationship. And instead of being empathetic and seeing how it could affect the relationship, he broke it off.
So, I'm not talking to a wall anymore, but rather noone. I feel like I maybe said too much, like some people say women tend to do...
I recently posted a topic "talking to a wall" in which I got some great feedback about male/ female communication - Thanks to all those who responded. It was a great dialogue.
Unfortunately, I guess I did what some people refer to as too much "yapping" because my partner broke off the relationship.
He's been away and started an email dialogue in an effort to be more open about how he feels, etc. And I responded as positively as I could, but also shared my thoughts and feelings in response. But I guess I went overboard in my last email, because he didn't want to do it anymore and said he gives up.
In our last dialogue he was blaming my personality for how he copes with things, and I disagreed because how we cope with things (whatever emotion we choose to deal with our situation) is our choice. And I didn't want to be blamed for his feelings, just as he didn't like me blaming him for things.
I also talked about how difficult things have been for me over the course of two years - my grandfather died, got pregnant and had a baby that I've been raising as a single parent (even when we were together), my mother died, and I got a herniated disk in the same week (that I'm still recovering from), and I've been suffering sleep deprivation (minimal support in raising my 20 month old), and trying to work at home as well, not to mention daily responsibilities.
Sorry if I sound like an old country song but it's been hard for me having faced these challenges and mostly alone. And I think it's because I've been facing it all alone, even though in and out of my relationship, that I think is why it's been hard to manage all of this stuff (with minimal support).
I was trying to explain this to him in a way that pointed to the impact that going through all that stuff in a short period of time would have on the relationship. And instead of being empathetic and seeing how it could affect the relationship, he broke it off.
So, I'm not talking to a wall anymore, but rather noone. I feel like I maybe said too much, like some people say women tend to do...
With reading more of your story and situation maybe it is him... in the way that he just doesn't want to listen. Case in point is my parents. My mother is terrible... she is at my father all the time regarding everything, how he drives, what he eats, when he exercises etc... etc. My dad just takes it all in stride and listens and goes about his business... He doesn't give up on the relationship (they've been together 38 years next month) but he appreciates what she says... maybe not how she says it thought.
I think there are men that won't listen no matter what we say and some that will. Maybe, just maybe, your husband is the one that just doesn't want to even try to hear what you have to say.
I know in my own relationship - communication is very key to our success and we talk about EVERYTHING. Our thoughts and feelings in such detail it would scare any normal human being! But that is what we are... I know there are some men that can't do that at all.
I'm not making any excuses for him and the way he is treating you... but sometimes as women we know our downfalls and we need to step back and ask ourselves if the way we are trying to get out point across is the best way to have our men listen and understand us.
If you think this relationship is worth fighting for... then try and change what you say and how you say it... see if that works. If it isn't worth it then move on and for your daughters sake... find happiness elsewhere.
Personally I would work on it... love is always worth anyone's time.
I wish you all the best!
He does pay child support already, and yes, he is going through some serious issues right now (recently assessed for a claim regarding not wanting to work b/c of depression - I guess this sheds a new light on things...).
And, Tara, What you mentioned about him just not wanting to listen, when it comes to me expressing myself... I've often felt that - that he wants things to be about him. Well, when I think of his actions and how convenient things have been for him... he's had it pretty good where we're concerned.
But he is a good person in a lot of ways, and I'm going to give him his space (which I usually do).
Today I empathized with his frustrations with our emails, apologized for being defensive in my last email, instead of showing him I was listening. And said I had felt like giving up too this week, but that I was going to hang in until he returns (he's been away, he'll be back next week), and until we at least had the chance to have a real relationship again, where we're face to face and spending quality time again, and where we could put the changes we've both been wanting to make into practice.
I slid the above communication briefly into a message I left about his visiting time (with our daughter) tomorrow. It wasn't a request for reconciliation at all - just a few points subtly mixed into the dialogue, to highlight the idea about not making decisions until we at least have a chance to be together again, when he returns, first.
But I would like to add that making the man in your life, or maybe the future man, a hero too. Especially since you mentioned he is a really nice guy and is responsible enough to pay child support. Make sure your future man feels appreciated and is needed & helpful in the house. Don't take him for granted, just as you don't want to be taken for granted.
In Europe, I noticed that alot of fathers take care of the children on weekends, leaving the mum to have her hair done, get a mani-pedi etc... Healthy division of work, giving the over-worked mum space.
round pegs.
square holes.
no sense trying to force it.
Through our relationship, my grandfather died, I had a baby and have raised her on my own for almost 2 years now, with minimal help from him (he's a father vs. being a real parent), my mother died, I got a herniated disk (back injury) that I'm still healing from 8 months later, suffer sleep deprivation... I've been through a lot with minimal support or help from him at all. Who's the hero here? Definitely not him.
Not to sound like a victim or whiny here, but I felt this an important point to elaborate on.
And, Aikijedi, I hear you... You may be onto something there... round pegs, square holes. I've never really seen us as being that different, but at the same token, if we were that much the same or compatible in our communication styles, I guess it wouldn't be so difficult.
I guess I've wanted to hang on because it's been such an important relationship for me - the father of my child. That's a big deal for me.
Thanks everyone.