Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Friends with the ex??

barnmaidbren
barnmaidbren

After I left I spent the first year staying away from my ex having very little contact. I needed to find peace and I did. This past Christmas he asked if he could spend Christmas with our daughter and myself. I agreed since I wanted our 21 year old daughter and him to mend their relationship. Since then he's been in more and more contact and declares that we're friends now. Lately it's been causing me anxiety I'm trying to deal with it. I want to be a bigger person and forgive him for the past while keeping boundaries for the present. We were together over 20 years so yes there's quite a past. Anybody else ever deal with this?

jojored
jojored
Personally, I will never be friends with my ex. Never, never ever. He's someone I no longer have respect for or trust in. I do have to force myself to be cordial to him, but I'm pretty good at that. He, not so much. When I have to do the inevitable call about following up on some issue he let slide, he slams the phone down on me if it's something he doesn't want to do. So, no, I will not extend friendship to him. He makes that part pretty easy. We have a 30 year history and 2 children so there are still circumstances where we have to deal with each other.

Don't let your ex's declaration of "friendship" make you feel you have to reciprocate. You feel what you do when you do. Forgiveness doesn't equate to friendship. Friendship means mutual affection. Do you really think that's what he feels for you or is it guilt or a desire to be forgiven? Just tread lightly, especially if he's emotionally manipulative.
barnmaidbren
barnmaidbren
Oh believe me I'm treading lightly. I know him well and see this as a more self serving mission than anything else. He ran off myself and our daughter and came to realize he was all alone. He's being nice but I know it's going to be short lived. I'm just being very cautious.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
If your daughter is now 21 and they're working on their relationship what about asking him to contact his daughter if he'd like to take her out??.... There's no reason for him to have to go through you now?
barnmaidbren
barnmaidbren
No he does do things with her separately but she lives with me so on occasion he comes to my house. I won't go to his. Too many bad memories. He invited me on a beach weekend recently I declined
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