Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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jdm0917 09/13/2016

I recently left a very bad relationship - he was bipolar and wasn't taking the right medication if he took the medication at all. I was with him 5 years & every 90 days or so he'd get upset about something and rather than deal with the issue he'd just tell me it wasn't working & to get out. I'd cry get all upset then he'd come clean about the issue that had set him off & say he was sorry. So I was always waiting for the othe shoe to drop - because it always did. I finally left back on May 4...May 5 he moved a woman he works with and her 2 kids in & they're getting married this month - after all they've been seeing each other for a year.

I had NO idea how much I'd like living on my own in my own space!! I was happier than I'd ever been & had NO idea how much I'd like living alone! I was actually liking me for the first time in my life. Doing the things I wanted to do, going where I wanted...being a bit lazy when I wanted - I even felt like there was nothing more I could ask for to make my life more complete.

I give you that so I can get to this - I looked up an old friend from jr high - truly just to see how he was, it had been 31 years since I'd seen him. There was never anything romantic between us before & I had no intentions of starting anything with him when I finally did get in contact with him. He actually was the one who pursued me calling all the time - we spent 58 hours on the phone during the month of June! I guess I need to tell you he lives in Utah and I live in Ohio. But it was a lot of fun! About a month in I decided to buy a plane ticket and go see him - find out if there was really something there or not. We had a lot of fun, saw a lot of sites & enjoyed each others company. Since coming home I feel like he's pulling away. We've talked about it - he says this isn't true but I'm starting to analyze everything he says & does. I'm becoming obsessed and I hate it! I have even gone so far as to buy him 2 plane tickets - one to come see me next month and another so he'll be here in Dec. We have a "plan" for me to actually move out there with him in March but I'm in a panic that he's going to end this before I get there - I've tried speeding up the timeline so I can go sooner thinking once I get there he'll see how much he needed & loves me - it's crazy but that's what I find myself thinking! I realized a big part of my fear/panic is I'm once again waiting for that "other shoe to drop" because it always has before.

I want to be happy with just me being me by myself - AND have a healthy relationship - ANY advice would be greatly appreciated as I know I'm being consumed by all this and don't know how to be any different!

ClearDay1 09/13/2016

It sounds to me like you're assigning too much of your well being to whether or not this relationship works out.

Thats not healthy.

It also sounds as though you're becoming pushy and controlling because of this.

It's kind of scary to me frankly.

If you're still waiting for the other shoe to drop, youre not ready.

The phrase "self fulfilling prophecy" comes to mind here.

rmb 09/13/2016

You gotta quit acting crazy because that will definitely cause him to pull away.

Just slow down. Sometimes reconnecting with friends from the past creates a lot of excitement and it's all very rose colored. Reality at some point sets in. Doesn't mean that it's not real necessarily but just that you have to let the romanticized haze clear in order to see if it's real. To literally think speeding up the timeline so that once you get there he'll see how much he needs and loves you is a sign that your judgement isn't exactly crystal clear.

You can be happy and healthy, both without someone and with someone. Part of getting their is realizing this other shoe that drops idea, that's a defense mechanism. Really, just life happens, and some people leave and some people stay and some things work out and some things don't. There's no mystery or catch. That's just what happens. So knowing that, you go about your business, get to know people, hope things work out, and if they don't, it's not because there's some cosmic joke being pulled on you. It's just what happens when we put ourselves out there.

simplymebp 09/13/2016

It sounds like you may be self sabotaging. That really isn't healthy and you have some issues to work on before you should go jump in a relationship. There was some trauma in your past relationship and if you don't heal from it you wont be able to have a healthy relationship. Your happiness isn't suppose to be dependent on others or relationships. Become okay with you before you do anything drastic. You could be the one pulling away and being crazy. So maybe you should take a deep breath and take a step back and evaluate why you feel the way you do... Moving to another state is a big choice make sure its the right choice for you and don't rush things.

jdm0917 09/13/2016

You all are right!! I know I have lots of past issues that I've honestly never dealt with and I am self sabotaging, acting crazy AND being pushy - I have always been this way - I've always said it was because I am a Taurus - the true bull in a china shop - there's plenty of wreckage in my past to prove it. I am however trying to live and BE different! But I see those old habits creeping back in. Any advice on how to manage these things? I am trying to keep my life busy - I am taking 3 online classes finishing my medical billing/coding certification. I attend church with my Aunt every week, work full time along with have a large diverse group of friends. I've thought about counseling but have not had much success with that in the past, but am open to suggestions at this point :)

ClearDay1 09/13/2016

Have you tried Coda meetings?

Maybe pick up some books like codependent no more and see if it fits for you?

OTM64 09/13/2016

Hi JDM, I live in Ohio and am a medical coder too!!! LOL!! Weird huh?

I would really consider getting some counseling. Keep trying different therapists until you find one that you like and is helping you.

Go slow with this new guy, enjoy your freedom and peace.

SunCloudJD 09/15/2016

Big hug jdm....I understand what you're doing however you've really only had one holiday with this man and some phone conversations... I would definitely put the breaks on
I did much the same thing a few years ago and it was a nightmare...I'd had 3 deaths of family members within a couple of years and jumped into a long distance relationship that was horrible... I lost so much and it took a long time for me to get past
If you find that you're obsessing I would make an appt with a therapist to help you to get some self control and work on why you're doing this
If you're trying to find some happiness like I did through another person it won't happen
There is a lot to be said for peace of mind and if you have it I would hang onto it for now
The thing I know about long distance is that we fill in the blanks within our own minds... I think you should take time and many visits back and forth before you make a decision... IMHO.... Big hug....xo

jdm0917 09/19/2016

The death in the family thing is a BIG concern of mine. My dad is not well - never has been but I feel like I've waited 40+ years thinking I needed to be here when he passes..and God love him he's still here! not that I am wishing different but what if he's here another 10 or God willing 20? I don't want to keep my life on hold - hope that doesn't sound selfish! I'm very close to an Aunt here too who is very upset at the thought of me moving away - these are all issues on my heart besides all the crazy making issues in my head! How do you ever know when a relationship is REALLY right??

rmb 09/19/2016

It's not selfish, and moving is always a hard decision if someone is unwell or needs care. I think about that all the time with my mom, and whether I could make a move at this point. But outside of that, I guess I would say, if you're overwhelmed with decisions and thoughts right now, then it's probably not a good time to decide on a big life change. You want to be in the best frame of mind, the best place possible, to decide something like that. I agree with SunCloud to just take time. There's no rush. Not keeping your life on hold doesn't mean you have to make big life changing decisions. It means simply engaging in life. I think you know when a relationship may be right is when you don't feel like a crazy mess about it, when you don't feel panicked about it. When you feel confident about where it's going.

UnknownBuddy 09/20/2016

Love does many things for us. It boosts the immune system, gets us by, takes our attention away from time. With best feelings bound tight, may our love's hope burst like divine light! The reason we're here is for strength, so let us be the sweet angels we are. Don't worry, not even the distance of 1000 miles can stop us, coz our hugs stand invincible

APieceOfMyHeart 09/21/2016

I think you got some sound advice here. 9 months (June to March) seems extremely quick to uproot and move. What else is out in Utah other than this guy? Of course no one can plan for everything and the time is never really right (believe me, my fiance and I are planning to move in 4 months and I'm having my own maybe I'm crazy moments over it, although it's been well-planned for almost 2 years) I'm just thinking if God forbid things go sideways with you and him and your out in Utah, what other supports you would have. I'd let things progress for a while before moving. Sounds like there's a lot keeping you in Ohio and love (or the potential for it) having you want to leave. Of course love is an extremely strong motivator. I'm now marrying him but my fiance and I lived together years back and did the first move in too soon. I was only a half hour from my hometown but, our relationship was too fresh, and I hadn't had my living on my own time for long enough. Things went sideways fast and we broke up and I moved out. Yes, we ultimately got back together and things worked out (obviously) and we love each other very much and I am really excited to spend the rest of my life with him but we took another 2 years before living together again, with more discussion and less impulse involved. Take some time, do some healing, talk to this guy on the phone, have visits, enjoy being loved. But keep your eyes open, and have your ducks in a row as best you can before you move out there. I don't know your degree of planning for moving (ie- in with him? what about money? friends? etc. really important stuff) but these are really important things to think about, and their implications before taking the plunge. Best of luck to you!

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