Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
In 2011 I was a Typical 23 year old. Working Full time, shared an apartment with my high school sweet heart. Thinking she was the one, struggling to stay above poverty, but overall happy. Between my girl friend, my friends, and playing basketball several times a week my life was good enough. Hell, I woke up every day extremely happy. I've always struggled with my self image, even if people did like me. I always felt different, and way to emotional for a guy. Maybe it's because I'm an only child and grew up with a mother who babied me.
I still remember the pain I had on here around 2011 when things were going very bad. I was suspecting my girl friend didn't love me anymore. This happened because we accidentally got her pregnant. One day she sat in my lap and told me she was pregnant. I figured this was a very good thing. Oh, how my life changed from there. Long story short, a couple weeks later she got an abortion without my approval. If that wasn't bad enough, we began to fight which never happened as friends, as the two years we lived together.
It's funny, I was never one to invade privacy... but something told me to check her phone, and to my dismay.. she was sleeping with another man. We broke up, I called her many evil names, and did some things I really regret. She was only 21, finishing up school, and she had to go to Africa for a class. She would not have been able to go pregnant. I now understand that everyone is not like me, everyone has different priorities. Some of us care about money first, some education, some having fun, some wanting a family. I do believe our recent fighting pushed her into sleeping with another man, but I have no way of never knowing if she was cheating all along. I guess it doesn't matter.
Now fast forwarding it 4 years. I am 27, I live in a studio apartment about as big as a small room. I recieve food stamps, and just recently got my CDL to better myself. I work at save a lot with a bunch of kids right out of high school. Most in relationships, and happy. I remember those days. Where has all the time gone. I no longer have a car, which I've had several since 16.
Through the past years I have developed a heavy Heroin addiction. Have Overdosed 4-5 times, and actually brought back twice with very close call after I stopped breathing. I have been homeless, I have stayed at strippers houses, I have taken advantage of my parents and my friends. I can honestly say I have been friends and met at least 10 people who have died from heroin overdose from long term rehabs. And I wonder how am I still here. One of the times I was saved on a street by an ambulance who was called for me in the city.
Through this only my family has stuck close to me. I do not know why, but I really do appreciate it. I have stolen through addiction, and have had close calls with getting seriously injured in bad areas. I have gone to jail, and spent a year in rehab. Even through the drug I could not get the happiness I had with my Ex. Or even before I had a relationship.
I have been single now for 4 years, I do not mind being single now. I do not have any friends. I had many friends then, over 25 I could hang out with in a phone calls notice. It's hard, because I still see them all being very close. I went to a friends Jack and Jill stag, and I never felt so alone in a room. I'm not sure why I am writing this all, maybe I just feel I need to.
It's been a very hard journey, I consider myself a very caring and good person. Which makes what I've done in the last few years either question what I think about myself, and/or make me very guilty. I've tried to reach out to several, some pretend like were cool, some won't answer.
I don't know where to go from here. I've been sober for about a year and half now. I want to give up some days, yet some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is hard, and even harder for people like me. I'm not the average joe who can shrug stuff off. My self esteem must be incredibly shot, because every female I see who smiles at me, I think... maybe she likes me, maybe we can hang out... Then I have to remind myself it doesn't work like that, and to relax before I creep someone out.
It's 3am, I struggle, my family, my counselors think I am doing great. And maybe I am, maybe I have made several leaps and bounds. But at times.. it doesn't feel like it. So I write to you random people, in hope to release this pain from inside of me. And to possibly find the answer of happiness.
I do not with anyone unhappiness, and I hope everyone lives a great life.
I still remember the pain I had on here around 2011 when things were going very bad. I was suspecting my girl friend didn't love me anymore. This happened because we accidentally got her pregnant. One day she sat in my lap and told me she was pregnant. I figured this was a very good thing. Oh, how my life changed from there. Long story short, a couple weeks later she got an abortion without my approval. If that wasn't bad enough, we began to fight which never happened as friends, as the two years we lived together.
It's funny, I was never one to invade privacy... but something told me to check her phone, and to my dismay.. she was sleeping with another man. We broke up, I called her many evil names, and did some things I really regret. She was only 21, finishing up school, and she had to go to Africa for a class. She would not have been able to go pregnant. I now understand that everyone is not like me, everyone has different priorities. Some of us care about money first, some education, some having fun, some wanting a family. I do believe our recent fighting pushed her into sleeping with another man, but I have no way of never knowing if she was cheating all along. I guess it doesn't matter.
Now fast forwarding it 4 years. I am 27, I live in a studio apartment about as big as a small room. I recieve food stamps, and just recently got my CDL to better myself. I work at save a lot with a bunch of kids right out of high school. Most in relationships, and happy. I remember those days. Where has all the time gone. I no longer have a car, which I've had several since 16.
Through the past years I have developed a heavy Heroin addiction. Have Overdosed 4-5 times, and actually brought back twice with very close call after I stopped breathing. I have been homeless, I have stayed at strippers houses, I have taken advantage of my parents and my friends. I can honestly say I have been friends and met at least 10 people who have died from heroin overdose from long term rehabs. And I wonder how am I still here. One of the times I was saved on a street by an ambulance who was called for me in the city.
Through this only my family has stuck close to me. I do not know why, but I really do appreciate it. I have stolen through addiction, and have had close calls with getting seriously injured in bad areas. I have gone to jail, and spent a year in rehab. Even through the drug I could not get the happiness I had with my Ex. Or even before I had a relationship.
I have been single now for 4 years, I do not mind being single now. I do not have any friends. I had many friends then, over 25 I could hang out with in a phone calls notice. It's hard, because I still see them all being very close. I went to a friends Jack and Jill stag, and I never felt so alone in a room. I'm not sure why I am writing this all, maybe I just feel I need to.
It's been a very hard journey, I consider myself a very caring and good person. Which makes what I've done in the last few years either question what I think about myself, and/or make me very guilty. I've tried to reach out to several, some pretend like were cool, some won't answer.
I don't know where to go from here. I've been sober for about a year and half now. I want to give up some days, yet some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is hard, and even harder for people like me. I'm not the average joe who can shrug stuff off. My self esteem must be incredibly shot, because every female I see who smiles at me, I think... maybe she likes me, maybe we can hang out... Then I have to remind myself it doesn't work like that, and to relax before I creep someone out.
It's 3am, I struggle, my family, my counselors think I am doing great. And maybe I am, maybe I have made several leaps and bounds. But at times.. it doesn't feel like it. So I write to you random people, in hope to release this pain from inside of me. And to possibly find the answer of happiness.
I do not with anyone unhappiness, and I hope everyone lives a great life.
I am not going to tell you how sorry I am for everything that has happen to you, nor will I congratulate you for your strength. I think you have heard enough of these by now. I will anyway tell you that life is hard for everyone. We all fight our battles and search our way toward happiness. What is happiness after all?
Point is, you have been happy, you have been close to death. You've been at the extremes. Now instead on focusing on love life, to which you might not be ready for, why don't you focus on yourself and your life? Try not to actually chase "happiness", but take it slowly and ask yourself what will you do with your life now that you have nothing to lose?
The way I see it you are quite free. You have been at the best and the worst. What is the worst thing that can happen to you? you've already stared death in her eyes.
Now you are free to live life the way you feel like it. But take it slowly, without expectations.
P.s. I will send you a private message too
And I forgot to mention. My ex didn't turn me to drugs. I made the conscious decision that maybe these drugs will take away the pain. Although I was right, it came at a cost. At the time, I figured since I never smoked weed in high school, or that I barely drank... I would not have any problem stopping. Boy, was I wrong. Thanks again Circai.
And you are right, hearing the im sry, everything will be okay from counselors, or others... just doesn't do it anymore. Although, I do appreciate when people say it. I just feel like they can only see so much of how much this is killing me inside. I am slowly dying, living a depressing life. Yet, at the same time.. part of me is fighting.
I applaud you for getting sober, that is a huge accomplishment!
Have you thought about joining some groups to help you make friends?
Such as meetup.com?
to look for it externally will always leave one lacking,
seeking it externally means that one always needs a dose
it seems to me that you are very hyper critical of yourself
your girlfriend aborting your child with no consideration of you was cruel and immoral, whether one accepts abortion or not, she had no right to marginalize you
it seems to me that the abortion event started the cascade of how you got to were you are now,
heroin is a nasty adversary that you continue to fight, there is much self-esteem to be found in the fight - even a setback is not surrender
hang in there, keep going, daylight will come
27: Hmmm...do you physically exercise? Strong body, strong mind, strong spirit. Walk, run, join a gym (Youfit is only $10 a month), push weight.