Healthy Relationships Support Group
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This is my first post so bare with me , while i try and unscramble my thoughts into words . So currently I am in a long term relationship. We have an amazing son together. Looks like the ideal family. But , there are issues. Let me start with my questions so you can be thinking of them as I explain the problem. 1.) How to renew your relationship? 2.) Helpful tips for dealing with jealous thoughts and behaviors? 3.) How to jump start his effort back, due to my jealousy? 4.) How do i make the lines of communication open, and express myself with out making him feel like I am attacking him with the issues?
So first off Id like to express how much I love this man. When I first met him I knew he was the one, lol. But things of course have taken a tole on our relationship. Stress, bills, kid, everyday life. I really want to get those new butterfly vibes back, I feel like some days we dont even know each other. Our communication hasnt always been ideal. He has issues with his anger . So when I try and discuss things in a healthy manner with him, he almost shuts down, becoming very angry at times. And i have no idea how to fix the issues without us discussing it. So whats any advice for handling this, and still feeling like Im getting the emotional release Im needing in expressing my feelings
I struggle with jealous, and its taken a toll on our relationship. Since I feel like my emotional needs arent being met by him. I get bitter instantly any time someone gets his attention. Mostly because I cant understand why he cant put forth the effort Ive been almost begging for. & also, let the thoughts in my head get the best of me, Which then seeps over into the relationship. So I need help with one, any helpful tips on how you dismiss jealous thoughts that have worked for any of the readers. & two, How do I get his attention without having to ask for it? Because I feel like the jealousy has but a huge toll on him wanting to put in effort. Or maybe Im giving him an excuse for his behaviors, no idea.
Thanks in-advance, and sorry the writing is sort of choppy, My thoughts were a little all over the place.
- C
So first off Id like to express how much I love this man. When I first met him I knew he was the one, lol. But things of course have taken a tole on our relationship. Stress, bills, kid, everyday life. I really want to get those new butterfly vibes back, I feel like some days we dont even know each other. Our communication hasnt always been ideal. He has issues with his anger . So when I try and discuss things in a healthy manner with him, he almost shuts down, becoming very angry at times. And i have no idea how to fix the issues without us discussing it. So whats any advice for handling this, and still feeling like Im getting the emotional release Im needing in expressing my feelings
I struggle with jealous, and its taken a toll on our relationship. Since I feel like my emotional needs arent being met by him. I get bitter instantly any time someone gets his attention. Mostly because I cant understand why he cant put forth the effort Ive been almost begging for. & also, let the thoughts in my head get the best of me, Which then seeps over into the relationship. So I need help with one, any helpful tips on how you dismiss jealous thoughts that have worked for any of the readers. & two, How do I get his attention without having to ask for it? Because I feel like the jealousy has but a huge toll on him wanting to put in effort. Or maybe Im giving him an excuse for his behaviors, no idea.
Thanks in-advance, and sorry the writing is sort of choppy, My thoughts were a little all over the place.
- C
You might want to make a list of what you want in a relationship. I always think of when I was little what kind of life I wanted when I grew up . I wanted a husband that adores me, children, beautiful home and a really fun career. I settled for a career that I am proud of.
As you can see it doesn't say man that I live with in a long-term relationship. People that "date" have a higher jealousy rate than people that are married.
Married or not if someone is highly suspicious or jealous of their partner there may be a reason why. Maybe there has been infidelity. Maybe there has been dishonesty in the past. maybe they've been caught doing things they shouldn't be doing and it's hard to trust them.
Book suggestion: "Buyers renters and freeloaders by Dr. Willard Harley
you can get it on Kindel and download it immediately or you can get it on audio and download it immediately or you can buy it on Amazon
& maybe its an inner tuition telling me something. But I am probably more jealous then I should be. Im just doing my best to salvage our relationship.
He knows we have problems but doesnt want to address the ones I see. And as for the effort, it comes and goes in spurts. Ive become bitter from the issues , and i dislike that about myself currently.
How would you act if he weren't in the picture? What sort of things would you do? What interests would you have? What would you do for fun? What would you focus your attention on?
Do those things. You will be much more alluring to him if you aren't fixated on wondering if he is going to do you wrong.
You need to emotionally detach a bit. Be the you who you were when you first met him.
You have no control over his actions. If he wants to cheat he will cheat. You need to accept that you can only control yourself. You need to focus on the fact that you were fine before you met him and if he should leave, you'll be fine again.
That way you'll be able to give him the best and most confident you.
Dr. Phil has a saying.. "What you fear, is what you create".. It means if you give in to the fear of losing him, you will act in such a creepy off putting way that he actually WANTS to run away.
If you don't feel confident, try to fake it. Force yourself to take interest in your son's activities, find some passion for other things besides him... The "I need constant reassurance that you like me" routine is probably getting old.
There is more to life than this guy, find somewhere else to focus your attention. You'll be more interesting that way.
And your right, clingy and insecure are not attractive. But there are things that men can do to make their woman feel good. Im not asking to be showered with these things constantly. But an every now and then kind of thing would be nice.
And I use to go to the gym all the time, And I loved it. I need to get back into that. It really helped me with my stress and self confidence. I just moved to the state we currently live in, so as far as social activities with friends, its kind of hard. not until I meet a few new girlfriends at least.
Im going to really do my best to fake it. its just hard to give him my best and not receive it in return you know?
And your right, I cant control him. I dont want to either, I just want him to treat me right.
Idk how to emotionally detach from him? any advice on that would be helpful. Im one of those poeple who feels and loves deeply. So for me feelings have always been a huge part of me , it can really be a weakness of mine.
thanks
-C
actions that are inspired by warm and loving feeling have to come from the person giving them....
I don't think you are alone in your expectations of a relationship though, it seems to be a common thought process in our society.
Sometimes it seems we place more importance on our expectations of how a romantic partner "should " be acting because we have a set standard in our head. We aren't seeing them as an individual with a unique personality, so we put pressure on them to be who we think they should be.... and we are always disappointed because they aren't ..
I would take a step back and instead of concentrating on getting what you feel you deserve.. Just try to approach interactions from a place of trying to be good company... kind of like we are when we first meet a person, before all the dynamics get crazy and we aren't expecting things.... That is what I mean by "detaching" .. sort of going back to a place in time when you weren't totally familiar with him.. so you saw him as a unique person.. and not "your boyfriend" That is when we are our most charming right? lol
Good luck
I never thought about it like that, going back to no expectations. I need to really rail that advice in and try and apply it to my daily life. And see how things change. I'm going to try it out today. And try and be consistent with it .I just hope he will see my effort and changes. Because if I didnt care I wouldnt be trying to better myself. I guess I cant expect the best from him, If im not giving him the best. Really going to start thinking before I react to things also. Because sometimes everything doesnt need a reaction.
Thank you for the advice, its more helpful then you know. Really making me reflect on myself and my own actions. And since words dont see to work with him, maybe my change in actions and reactions will tune him in.
Thanks
-C