Things have finally ended between us. We are over and done. I never thought this day would come, and from my past posts you all know how much I tolerated and stuck with in all these months. The actual breakup was horrible. It was sparked by the fact that he did indeed get this new job, we had plans friday night, and I didn't hear from him all day. I asked him to let me know what his deal was, so we could meet up. I was continually brushed off and he had his phone on him. Finally I texted him around 8pm, when I knew he was back home, and said "You can't even give me the respect of responding?" He replied with "whats up". I was shocked. Not only within minutes did he reply, showing he HAD his phone and was able to talk, but he completely dismissed my prior texts. I blew up. I started telling him how I didn't deserve this shit and I was breaking up with him. Immediately after saying that I took it all back and was scared and suggested we talk and work things out, take a break, but get back together. By then he was so fueled with anger he said no I want to break up! He said he didn't want to see me in person, but I said we owe it to ourselves to talk in person. He said he was going to bed early, and I said ok, I'm really sad about this (I was in hysterics), let's talk and try to work this out or part. He became angrier and more enraged the sadder I got. I finally said, could I come over tonight to see you and pick up my things and speak? After one year I figured that the least we could do was talk and hear both sides. He said "YOU HAVE A TIME LIMIT OF 30 MINUTES. AFTER THAT I WON'T BE HERE AND I'M GOING OUT WITH MY WORK FRIENDS"....wow. what a change from going to bed early within five minutes. I got in a cab and sat in traffic for an hour. It normally takes me 10 minutes to get to his place. I was anxious and ready to die. I was breaking up with this man (my biggest fear) and I had a time limit. I felt scared of him and scared of my emotions. My phone died and I asked to use the cab driver's. When I called he said "MY GOD YOU ARE ALWAYS ADDING STRESS TO MY LIFE. YOU ALWAYS FUCK SOMETHING UP. I DON'T BELIEVE THERE'S TRAFFIC I'M CHECKING RIGHT NOW." I cried and cried and said please, I'm alone, please don't do this or make this any harder. Give me the respect of a proper break up. When I finally got there he stood at his doorway, the doorway I always walked into and felt welcome and at home at, and finally felt like a stranger. It was heartbreaking. He had my things in his hand and stonewalled me from walking any further. I said can I please use the bathroom and charge my phone. We're breaking up, don't you want to talk? He looked at me with a stone cold look in his face and said NO. I'M MEETING MY COWORKERS AT A CLUB I'M LEAVING IN 10 MINUTES. I was shocked and devastated at how emotionless and blank he was to this incredibly hard time for the both of us. Our relationship is ending, and you don't care. Just last week he was telling me how wonderful I was, how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me. How could this person turn it all off and be willing to lose me that quickly? I was sick inside. I felt like I needed to vomit. I asked to charge my phone so I could safely get back home and he said "that's not my problem." But reluctantly gave me a charger anyway. I asked to speak and he hesitated, saying he didn't want me in his room. This was a room I slept in for ONE YEAR and suddenly I was a stranger to it, like before we ever dated. I was heartbroken and I still am recounting this while writing it. He wouldn't speak to me or talk to me, but said he would be upset thinking about me with other guys. It was all a blur. Such a blur. The days following were difficult- I reached out to speak with him and he didn't want to. In my mind, and my therapist's, breakups should respect each person, those should be willing to comfort and understand to an extent and offer a reasonable explanation. He offered his explanation and that was it. He didn't want to listen, or feel empathy for me. He was done. I blew up, and sent him a series of ANGRY, RANTING, MEAN text messages- probably from holding a year's worth of anger inside from all the abuse- and told him how he was a narcissist, and someone who will never be capable of feeling empathy for another person. How much I tried, how much I did, and how much I was in turn disrespected by him. I told him I didn't deserve to be called a cunt, and that I would find somebody who would make me happy. I would go back and forth, sending one text asking if we could talk and telling him how hurt I was, to sending a text saying I thought he was the scum of the earth. I probably looked crazy, and I'm sure he thinks I am, but after one year of all his shit I couldn't take it. I let it all come out and I gave it to him hard. I felt relief after saying all of these mean things back to him that I kept down while he called me a cunt and a slut. After one year I feel used, abused, and sick to myself from this. I am exhausted mentally and physically. I haven't eaten, I'm losing weight every day, and my hair is falling out. I had to go into the hospital for two days because I was so stressed out and sick. We haven't spoken and now he's telling his friends he "wishes me the best" which is a slap in the face. It's like, how can you insult me and shut me out, and then wish me the best. I have blocked him from everything. I sent him one last email- saying after a year, we should be able to talk post-breakup one last time and put things on the table. I never loved anyone like I loved him, etc. He wanted nothing to do with it. He never responded. So, naturally, I wrote him another one telling him to go to hell and that from this point on, it was over for good, and my last sentence was "I hope your herpes comes back on fire". From that point on I blocked his email address. I was done trying to have any type of closure from somebody who I was so easily disposable to. Still it racks my brain and makes me ill. Sometimes I'm okay, I went out on Thursday night and got two numbers from guys! My friends were shocked I was getting hit on so much. But last night, his birthday, I sat and cried and thought about how just two weeks ago we had planned to go to the beach for his birthday last night. This mornign I woke up and saw his friends posted a photo of him with another girl at the beach. It stung and burned and I cried and cried. I feel sick and can't eat from it. My only approach is when I think of his name to say "who?" as if I never met him. I'm trying my hardest to forget this person ever existed in my life. The pain of this breakup is so real and so hard, yet part of me understands that I deserve so much more. I need to understand how to be alone.

In your all's opinion, since you've read my posts throughout the year, what do you think? Do you think this guy was bad news and abusive? In my mind, I can't call him abusive, so hearing other people say it reaffirms the fact that he was. I need to hear people tell me I deserve more, because I'm constantly demeaning myself and telling myself that I was the problem, and he didn't say or do anything wrong. When in reality, all I ever did was try to support and be there for him as much as possible. I'm racked and so very depressed over this. I know I'll move on but I don't know how to. I saw a future with him and it's been such a shock to just have him cut out of my life for good.