Healthy Relationships Support Group
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last night my boyfriend(chase) and i were getting out of my car and we saw this guy i used to talk to. we flirted a little like a long long time ago and i didn't have any feelings for him, i was just very lonely at the time. chase knows about this, and was really cool and calm about the whole thing. we all talked for a while and it was nice to know they could be cool to each other and not like be dicks or anything. well tonight, he messaged me on facebook. it started off okay. then he started getting a little inappropriate and i got a little uncomfortable. but i know he's had a hard time since breaking up with his girlfriend, so i'd just switch the subject, or talk about other girls he could hit on. and then he started asking me if i was attracted to him. and i said at first i thought he was funny and stuff but i didn't want anyone or anything at the time, so he would have gotten a hug and like 2 dates at the most. that's how i was back then. i had just been in a really abusive 2 year relationship and i was scared. he doesn't know that because i barely know him and i knew he really didn't care to get to know me at all. he was lonely, i was lonely. so i don't want to be rude and be like I DIDN'T WANT YOU, K? so then he randomly asks me if chase and i are gonna break up soon. he apologized after, but it just made me feel really uncomfortable. i was just like it's okay, chase won't kill you or anything, but if you creep on me you better watch out.
i played it off okay, but i feel really gross right now. this sounds odd, but i feel almost violated by some of the things he said which i don't really want to post, they weren't that bad but being an abuse/rape victim i am more sensitive, and most importantly i have a boyfriend! i can't really sleep now...
sorry if it seems like i am overreacting. it even sounds like i am to me, but it doesn't FEEL like i am.
i played it off okay, but i feel really gross right now. this sounds odd, but i feel almost violated by some of the things he said which i don't really want to post, they weren't that bad but being an abuse/rape victim i am more sensitive, and most importantly i have a boyfriend! i can't really sleep now...
sorry if it seems like i am overreacting. it even sounds like i am to me, but it doesn't FEEL like i am.
Saying "it's okay, Chase won't kill you or anything, but if you creep on me you better watch out." isn't letting him clearly know your boundaries. Saying but if you creep me out......that isn't being clear. Creep me out could be many different things.
It doesn't matter what Chase's reaction would be, this isn't about Chase, it's not about this guy being lonely or having a hard time since breaking up with his g/f, this is about how you feel and what's acceptable and unacceptable to you.
We teach people how to treat us and that's by letting them know what's unacceptable and not allowing that line to be crossed. By saying "it's okay........." you're giving him the okay to cross that line, you didn't set up boundaries for him.
It's not rude to tell someone that something they said or did was inappropriate and unacceptable to you. He doesn't need an explanation about why it's unacceptable, he just needs to know it is. People are not mind readers and unless you let them know where your boundaries are, your bondaries will continue to be crossed.
If he starts saying things again that make you uncomfortable, stop him in his tracks immediately and let him know he needs to stop. If he continues doing it after you've made your point clear, then he doesn't respect you so you have a choice, continue allowing your boundaries to be crossed or end it. Do you really want someone in your life that can't respect your boundaries?
oh and the only reason i brought up chase to him was because he was like ohhh shit chase is going to kill me now, i'm sorry.
i called chase and he read the conversation. really what i'm most upset about was the sexual comments this guy made, but i thought he was joking. i rarely ever get hit on, especially since i've been with chase, so i took it as a joke.
i've always had a problem with setting boundaries with guys, i just get uncomfortable and change the subject and then decide not to talk to them anymore. with my friends and chase, i have no issue. i'm like hey people, don;t say that! but with guys ii barely know i just get so uncomfortable and just either change the subject or stop talking to them. i was half asleep at this time as well so at first i was like oh he wants to be my friend! and then i was like wait what's going on....so i was very confused. but i am now going to set boundaries! you are definitely right it's something i need to work on.
and wendy, i do feel flattered when i get hit on, but i think it was more the way he went about it. he had JUST met chase and seen how happy we are together, and he made some sexual comments about me and then asked if chase and i were going to break up. if a guy says i'm pretty or something, it's fine. i just think a guy who has met my boyfriend and sees how happy we are together shouldn't be making sexual comments about me or hoping we break up. but i've never really liked people making sexual comments about me unless we are dating. it might be a little different if i were single, though.
Try and be clear and give firm no's not interested in that type of relationship with you. I had to learn that sometimes it was appropriate to bring out the ice queen - a direct cold comment if they won't stop and most guys will respect that and back off when they realize you mean NO and then your confidence will increase...cos you will realize you do have some control in it
I know when I was younger I used to feel bad like I was being mean to the guy if he was making a move on me even if I was feeling uneasy or uncomfortable I somehow thought I had to kind of accept it. I would feel bad like a false guilt thing, but try and see that for what it is. False guilt. Not your problem how he feels or reacts or handles it. Your only problem is to assert your boundaries so your needs are taken care of..
just was thinking out loud... :) I related to the struggle..
wendy, that's what chase said too! thank you, i'm feeling better about it today. and his manners are definitely terrible! he hit on me when he had a girlfriend too, and i never knew until someone told me. he seemed nice at first, but i guess he's just an asshole!