You were smart to question this before you got married and had children.

First let me get the negativity out of the way. Sometimes people who have been in an abusive relationship, get used to the heightened emotions, walking on egg shells and carrying around a certain amount of anxiety. If it goes on for a while, we become conditioned to think normal relationships are boring by comparison. Don't get me wrong, I am a hundred percent clear that you don't want back in another abusive relationship, but you have been affected by it in ways you probably don't realize. Just think about that and maybe talk to a counselor about it.

Now, on the nicer part of my response. Some people don't think there is any such thing as finding your one. Throughout history most marriages have been arranged and love bloomed, much as yours did. The moving too quick has probably left you feeling cheated out of the thrill of being pursued by a man, accepting and looking forward to dates and falling in love the traditional way. I agree that the way it happened for you took something away that would have been really nice.

You can sit down with your partner, articulate that and tell him you want to date traditionally. You can even move him into the spare room and give yourselves time to connect that way. You can begin sending him flirty, sexy text messages and romance the socks off him, if you want. There are no rules to falling in love or being in love. Teach him romance by example.

A couple of things concern me. You don't enjoy sex with him and would be happy if he left you. If you don't enjoy sex, I'm not sure he is husband material. I mean, you can't possibly be considering a long term committed relationship with a man who haphazardly fell into your life and can't perform adequately in the bedroom. You need to be up front and honest about this piece. Buy books, get couples counseling, teach him what you need, buy toys to share in the bedroom, watch porn together...do something to fix this once and for all and don't worry about hurting his feelings.

As for wishing he would just leave. That statement begs the question of if you are in love with him or just love him. Those are two separate things. You might marry someone you are in love with but you would never marry someone you just loved. Just love = friendship, not romance and sex. If you aren't sure, take a break for a few months and figure it out. Don't just drift along in life's slip stream, thinking it will get better. It will only get worse. Give yourself a fighting chance at happiness.

Wow, Gutted, that was everything I needed to hear. I can’t thank you enough for that response. Hearing someone else validate how I feel makes me feel so much less self-loathing about it.
I really think you’re right about feeling unfulfilled because my current relationship is so...normal. My ex boyfriend was dramatic, over the top, completely insane. I would never want someone like him again but I think that going from someone who made me feel such heightened emotions to someone who is calm, kind, and well, normal, makes me feel empty.
Our sex life is...idk. Complicated. Sex is hadd for me if I care about the person I’m with, because suddenly it feels like betrayal, but on top of that, we’re not exactly sexual. He’s admitted that he doesnt initiate sex because hes afraid of triggering me, and I’ve told him how unwanted and broken that makes me feel. I think we need to talk about it more, but that can come later. Sex isnt a make-or-break problem for me.
As for the wanting him to leave, I feel like that’s just me wanting an easy way out. I hate conflict and would rather he make the decision for himself, you know? Maybe I’m not ready for engagement yet. I’m going to look into couples therapy and try to talk to him about it. Hes so supportive of me, I know he’d agree to try it. Thank you again.

You are very welcome. Best of luck. :-)

be a peach and don't waste HIS time
pretty shallow of you to not respect him enough to just say goodbye

He may be a good husband and a good father. So let him be a good husband to a woman who LOVES him completely, who finds him sexy and attractive, a woman who gets all tingly at the thought of making love to him, a woman who doesn't second guess and doubt her feelings for him and the viability of an impending engagement and marriage.

You are "settling" for him and nothing good can come from this. You are inevitably cheating him AND yourself of a life of happiness.

I think gutted put it well to..... If you're not ready or if he isn't the 'one' it's a kindness for both of you to let it go

If you want to continue to try you could always get into some couples counselling in order to work on the problems that you're struggling with

If you are simply not in love with him letting him go is a good thing because someone else will be and you're then free to do what you want to..... Big hug..... I wish you well......xo

I agree also and you are so good to think about these things.
If you marry him, you will eventually meet “ the one” and by then there will be more than just you two to hurt.
Maybe you need to date other people and see what happens next.

Be very careful about hoping that things will magically get better later on.
If you are having these serious doubts now, maybe ask him if you can take a break from the relationship and give yourself time and space to evaluate clearly what you are feeling and what you want away from the relationship. That is the fairest thing you can do for both of you. You definitely don't want to go into a marriage with these kinds of serious doubts already.

I have just ended a 2 1/2 year relationship with a very nice kind guy because I had to be completely honest with myself about how I really felt about him and about the serious doubts I had about how I felt about us long-term.
I did not want to make the same mistake I had made many many years ago with my first marriage of hoping that things would get better over time.

Take not of the red flags.....don't doubt your gut feeling about the relationship, that is usually right.

**"Take note", not take not

I understand how you are feeling. Now, granted, I wasn't with my past boyfriend as long as you were with your boyfriend, but I had the similar feeling. He seemed perfect - it was so hard to pinpoint something that was not worth working out and staying with him. But I felt this overwhelming sense of unhappiness. Even though he had all these perfect qualities, I wasn't attracted to him. And I had the same thoughts you did - he's sweet and kind, would be a wonderful husband and father - but all of that isn't going to matter if I can't say yes to marrying him.

However, this isn't to say you shouldn't work on your relationship. My feelings began to tire out and I didn't see him the same way anymore, but it sounds like you still have some strong feelings that with the time and patience could be worked out. I guess it depends on how much work you and him feel you have put in.

And I completely understand about hoping he will leave you. The thought of breaking my ex-boyfriend's heart made me feel horrible. But I knew I was doing him and myself an injustice by holding onto something that wasn't there.

I guess what I would say is to always explore any option you have to save the relationship, but never underestimate your gut if it is strong enough.