Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Feeling fed up..

Sugarush2018
Sugarush2018

Hello!


I just need a bit of advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for alnost 7 years now. We always had a pretty good relationship, hardly ever agrued, had good communication. We have been living together for 4 years. Like all relationships we have good times and bad times. Here lately it seems to be more bad than good. Mostly for me though. I've always wanted to take that next step (engagement, marriage, etc) with him but its not a priority for him. Last year we had a serious discussion where I expressed that I think we should be engaged by now. He agreed and promised it would happen by the end of the year. The end of the year rolls around i figured it would happen around Christmas. No ring, but he buys a 1200 dollar item for himself. Ever since then I have felt defeated. I had talked to a friend and she gave me the advice of you cannot push someone to marry you if they are not ready. Which is true but at this point its really depressing seeing those around me take those next steps who haven't been in a relationship as long as we have. I admit he can be selfish about alot of things. We have always worked through those issues. I am at the point now where I want to potentially move on because what's the point of being in a relationship if you are not working toward anything. I am just frustrated and have been thinking about just taking an internal position in a new state and starting over. I love him dearly but how much longer can I tolerate feeling like being only good enough to be a girlfriend and not a wife. We are both getting really close to being 30. Any advice or reassurance would be nice.


Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
If I invested 7 years into a project without getting seeing any returns, I would question the viability of my investment. I suggest you do the same. It sounds like you have started to do some evaluation of the long term potential of this relationship (although 7 years would seem to be "long term"). Without knowing all the specifics of your relationship, it think moving and starting over sounds like a good idea.

If after 3 years of dating and an additional 4 years of living together (as man and wife), if he isn't ready to make it official, he never will be.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I agree with your friend - it would do no good pushing him. Did you interview for the internal job yet? If not, I would start with that. Interview for some others, while you're at it.

My advice now would be to set a deadline that works for you. I wouldn't even tell him. He already broke his promise about the end of last year, and now it's almost 3 months later. You have given him enough chances.

So set your deadline for yourself, You're gone on that date without listening to one more excuse from him. Base it on what works for you - could be starting the new job, could be the lease ending on your place, could be your 30th birthday. Start backing off from him now...if there's a joint bank account, set up your own and start direct depositing there. Stop having sex. Start looking at other places to live - and don't tell him. It is time to put yourself first.

Who knows, some time apart might be what he needs to decide he's ready to commit. But right now he's having his cake and eating it too. That is not fair to you.
lucillegem
lucillegem
Yah, it wont be easy darling. But in the end you have to do what you have to If your feeling drained from the relationship. Did you ever express how hurt you felt by breaking his promise? maybe try to talk to him, 7 years is a long investment and of course it'll hurt to throw it all away just like that. And I think itll add more injury if you dont talk to him, just leave without saying a word. I dont think its worth it to sink down to his level... maybe you just have to hear the truth, REAL truth of what is going on in his head.

My advice (if you havent already) try telling him once and for all, give him an altermotive. Because you cant keep living a lie, if you want to move on but he doesnt. Be firm, set your foot down, and stay strong. Maybe it is time to move on... but get some closure. For me anyways, id need that closure. Then just taking off in the middle of the night.... Talk to him darling, atleast one more time.
If you like to keep me posted Id gladly lend you moral support. I hope you work things out.
11Christmases
11Christmases
Read the book titled Who Holds the Cards Now?

It advises less talking...men call it nagging...your actions of backing off and putting yourself first will either spur him to act or not. I strongly recommend that book and others written from the male perspective.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I would have a really frank discussion with him about what your needs are and if you can't agree on what comes next then I think after all these years maybe it's time to move on

Big hug.... I hope that it works out as you're hoping......xo
11Christmases
11Christmases
Sugarush, did he have a "frank discussion" with you about why he was buying a $1200 item for himself and not coming through with the promised engagement? If not, you owe him nothing.
Sugarush2018
Sugarush2018
Thanks guys.. I have definitely been weighing my options. I actually brought it up. He said he was sorry and things would get better. He said he was dealing with alot of stress (his dad is sick) he even said he would sell the item if it made me feel better and admitted it was totally unfair. Hopefully things will shift to the better. I think it ultimately comes down to he may be afraid of commitment due to the demise of his parents marriage. I asked and he said he wasn't but I beg to differ.
foreverbeach11
foreverbeach11
Hi Sugarush2018. I know relationships can be very challenging and sometimes getting on the same page takes work. You have a lot invested in this relationship. Have you considered talking to your boyfriend about the future of your relationship? Maybe since you have been living together he does not feel marriage is necessary. Have you thought about getting your own place? Things will work out in time. Best wishes.
Goldielocks5
Goldielocks5
I would ask yourself, why do you want to marry this man? List all the reasons you want to, and all the reasons you dont. If any of those reasons are "I don't want to be alone" Probably best to go after that job and move on. Be with someone who wouldn't think twice about marrying you, and would spend $1200 towards a ring for you happily. :)
(And don't worry about your friends getting married, that will upset more)
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