I'm not too sure where to go anymore or who to talk to.. My family NEEDS help, and no one is willing to ask for it. Our pride gets in the way.. But I reached my breaking point I guess. Dad had an affair 3 1/2 years ago (announced it on my 13th birthday).. he spent 2 years putting our family through hell. Moving out, back in, out, in, and so on. Finally me, my mom, and sister moved out. We were homeless for a while. He never called on Birthday's or Holidays cause it "upset his girlfriend." We lived with grandma for a while, then my moms aunt.. then Grandpa died, dad wasn't around, mom drank a lot, I cut myself and popped pills, and my sister got pregnant. We lived like that for about 2 years then finally we all got a place together again, dad moved back home. Things were okay, but my sister and parents always faught. Her boyfriend was abusive and a druggy.. She chose him over the baby all the time. I dropped out of highschool to raise my nephew (he's my entire world, I love him, so no regrets there) Well then we lost the house, and we're living in a smaller house, my sister got her own apartment. I watch my nephew while she's at work, and any other time she either wants to "go out" or just doesn't want to deal with him.. She's supposed to pay me, but her money goes to her hair and nails mostly.. With dad, him and I never EVER have had a conversation about anything other than music or animals, and I'm serious. His valentines card to me said "Hollyanne, I don't often tell you how I feel, we don't seem to be real comfortable talking like that. It's just how we are I spose. I do want you to know you mean the world to me. You are so very important to me. I am proud of the heart that you have and the goodness in it. I love you very much! -Dad" .. That's the only time I've ever heard something like that from him. During the affair he apologized to me twice.. well now days, we fight a lot. and when we do I don't care what I say to him. I don't feel like I need to respect him. I know he apologized, but only WHILE he was still hurting our family. How am I supposed to forgive him? He never said he was sorry after it happened. He never SHOWED he was sorry. He came back and expected everything to be the same. He wanted to tell us how to act, what to do, and even what was wrong or right(as if he would know.) He tells mom that he hates how I don't respect him.. what's to respect?? He was my idol while I was growing up, then he cheated and treated us like we didn't mean anything to him, and came back and wanted to be the "ruler" of us. I CAN'T respect somebody like that. Mom talks to me about their problems.. she has no one else, and she says I'm the only one who doesn't judge her.. She tells me how she tells him she NEEDS him to show that he's sorry for what he did, and he needs to show her he loves her.. She asked him to tell her how he loves her, and he said he can't talk about that kind of thing, so she asked him to e-mail it to her and he agreed.. the message she recieved was "I love you.".. That's it. Nothing more. Before the affair, he wrote her long love letters, poems, songs.. All of it. And now, nothing.. He refuses to go to therapy or anything. I hear them arguing at night, and mom stays up till 4am cryin her eyes out. It makes me hate him.. We're looking for a house to buy cause we have to move out of this one, Mom says she's not sure if she wants dad to come... We've been searching for months, but every time we find a house, literally every time, the next day it goes under contract..(jumping subjects) Back to my sister.. Growing up, she said the most hateful things to me, called me fat, ugly, said she hated me and wished I'd die. She tried killing me three times, and she beat me up all the time.. Every time she did something, she'd blame me. I kept all her secrets, yet she'd tell mom and dad I did something that never even happened. Every time I had a friend, she turned them against me. Now days, she's 19, she tells people I'm a slut, and a bitch... She has 8 guys she talks to, calls them babe and says she loves them, talks about marraige.. I know all of them but don't say a word.. she goes out drinking in FRONT of Noah, but brings me along so I can watch him. Her house is trashed, I clean it when I go over there. When she brings Noah over before work, he's been in the same diaper since he woke up, the other day his diaper was so full it was coming out of his shorts.. She doesn't beat him, but when he does something she smacks him.. About a year ago I was in my room on the phone with my boyfriend, she was in the kitchen on the other side of the house and she hit him so hard my boyfriend heard it.. She ignores him, usually because she's on the phone. He has cut himself with knives, swallowed glass, fallen off things, gone outside alone, and she's even lost him in the store a couple of times.. I get so mad at her.. I have dreams where she does something to hurt Noah, and I get mad at her then she tells me I can never see him again, I wake up crying my eyes out, because I know if it came down to it, she could take him away from me. So I never call her out on anything she does.. I want custody of him when I turn 18 if it's possible.. She sleeps with guys in front of Noah.. He's under weight, you can almost see his ribs.. When she comes to pick him up he screams and cries and runs to me.. He deserves so much better. He's a beautiful little boy, he has an amazing personality, and his smile is breath taking. He's perfect.. Tonight, my sister started posting on my facebook saying my ex misses me and thinks I'm gorgeous and she invited him to come over friday (which is when my boyfriend will be over) and she said I'd be better with him and just a whole bunch of crap, KNOWING my boyfriend would see if. I said "Stop" and her reply was "What I did something just for you cause I know you don't like to go without him there so I invited him just for you. Im sorry I was trying to do something to benifit you. Shit!!!!" Mom is scared to confront her, even when she tells her to stop, she doesn't. Dad chooses her over me every time.. She literally makes me want to kill myself. I don't know how to help my family, I just feel stuck. I started cuttin myself again, it feels like the only thing I can turn to. I know no matter what it's there for me to depend on. and it's the only thing that makes me feel good anymore. I hate feeling like that. I hate living this way. I hate not looking forward to tomorrow like I used to.. I hate feeling like I never wanna wake up once I go to bed. I hate all of it. and when I go to bed, I don't trust myself not to kill myself tomorrow. I don't WANT to, but sometimes they just put me in this mood where I don't even think right.. and I'd rather just put a bullet through my head. No one wants to talk about it.. We just need help.. and I don't know how to get it :( I guess this is a cry for help, it is seeking attention.. but we need it.. cause ignoring it all is just making everything so much worse.. (Sorry my post was so long.. :/ )