Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hello! I'm just going to jump right into it. A few years ago I fell in love with a black man from Africa. I give you his race and origins because those seem to be the main cause of issues with my family. I was raised by my step-father and mother. When I first told my mother, she was not happy. I guess she knew what was coming. We didn't tell my step-father. Instead he found out by a friend posting a picture of me and then-boyfriend (we'll just call him George here) on facebook. We had attended a wedding of a mutual friend. My step-father found it and was enraged. My mother contacted me to stay away for a few days (which was difficult since I still lived with them at the time). The moment I was given the clear to come home, my step-dad really laid into me. He screamed at me things like I was going to hell and that he told me to stay away from foreigners/internationals. After that he proceeded not to speak to me for 6 months and my mother told me to find another place to live. My distant relatives also found out and proceeded to call me disgusting, among other names. It's been 5 years now. I've married George and he has made me very happy. When we got married 2 years ago, we didn't tell anyone. My parents found out due to inadvertent mail delivery but all is well. But now I'm struggling. Because Christmas is the hardest. My family wants be to spend Christmas with them. Even after this whole ordeal, I do still love my parents very much and want to spend it with them. The problem is that George isn't invited... They wish to not acknowledge his existence. I can't even speak his name when I'm around him. I haven't seen my family in a long time and really do miss them but if I spend Christmas with them, George will have no one to spend Christmas with him.
I think my question is, How do I tell my family that I won't spend Christmas with them if George isn't allowed to come too?
Also, if there is anyone who has experienced this or something similar, can you give me advice on how to deal with the rejection from my family? I used to be very peaceful but I've noticed that I get angry so easily. I'm triggered all the time and I kinda blame my family for so many things. I feel like by rejecting my husband, they truly took away being family to me. I feel like I've lost my family.
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So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
It's ugly and I understand of course that you love your folks.... This is most probably what they were taught as children
I have not been subject to this.... My nephew's wife is black/Jamaican and we've had a couple of good conversations on this subject
It is really imperative if you're going to have children that you are forthright with your folks
I know that this is a difficult path and it's taken courage..... I honestly don't understand how skin pigmentation has ever started the nonsense that it has done in the world and the superior way people choose to feel about themselves... It's really disturbing to me
If you haven't already watch the film History American X..... excellent show about racism...
There's a ton of swearing however if you can get past that it really shows a current racism
My nephew's wife is always concerned about their children and where there will be acceptance and kindness and I think it's a sorry world that, that even has to be considered
I do think that writing a loving letter is a wonderful idea from Pink.... I hope that you can all meet in a really great way...
Big hug.....xo
In thinking of the 'daughter of marriage' vs. the 'son of marriage' where son is separated from family and a daughter is a daughter for life... wondering how this comes into the picture for you and your emotions.
My thought, your parents have made cleared boundary choices, as you have choices and you and your husband have choices....there are 365 days in the year, Christmas is a day spent with family....'your family' husband or birth?
I think Pink's idea of a letter is good, as you'll have a more thoughtful expression of your words rather than possible emotional words...perhaps hand written?Heart felt.
Tell them you love them but that if you're husband is not welcome that you won't be attending. And then tell them that when they are ready, you'd be happy to introduce your husband to them so they can get to know him. Leave the door open for them if they should have a change of heart at some point.
I think not disclosing he was your boyfriend from the start (lying through omission) probably added salt to the wound. It's always better for people to hear stuff straight from us, even when it's hard. That's part of being a grown up and living our own lives: being honest. We do this so we can live authentically. So I would say don't ever shrink from the truth.
I'm sorry you're losing your family in the process. I know that is very hard. You may want to seek counseling to help you navigate those feelings and how to find resolution for yourself, so you feel less angry too.
They don't know him. He is a mystery man to them. Once they meet him, I am sure they will grow to love him as much as you love him. Good luck.