Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My ex moved across country 6 years ago to live with his parents and become a woman. He hasn't seen, called or written to our son since. I have been married since before he left and my husband took over as dad, which has been great for my son.
My son still sees my ex's family. He rarely talks about his paternal dad unless he is around that side of the family, he just doesn't really think about it. They recently came to visit and said he was asking about my ex. Now they are concerned about what I am going to tell him.
The thing is, we have very different opinions about it. His family is all very supportive of him. He is the baby of the family and they treat him like a martyr. "Poor him, poor him." He has been into drugs and in and out of jail his entire life and they all act like it was never really his fault and that it has just been this long hard life for him. So, they are now saying that he is finally going to get better by becoming a woman. Well, in our relationship, I saw things very differently. He was very abusive in every possible way. He was disrespectful to my family, including getting drunk and screaming at my grandmother in her own house at a Christmas party. His decision that he wanted to be a woman was way after we split up, I left him for entirely different reasons and had no idea that he had any thoughts like that. My ex's family wants me to tell my son that his dad leaving him to become a woman is a totally normal thing and that he should be proud of him for all the struggles he's gone through and for finally coming out about his desire to be a woman. Well, my personal views on gender aside, my ex brought all of his troubles upon himself and I'm not going to tell my son that going in and out of jail and being abusive to family members is just a struggle some people have to go through.
The things is, I want some kind of neutral explanation for my son. I don't want to try to tell him that what my ex is doing is good or bad, just that it is the choice he has made.
My son still sees my ex's family. He rarely talks about his paternal dad unless he is around that side of the family, he just doesn't really think about it. They recently came to visit and said he was asking about my ex. Now they are concerned about what I am going to tell him.
The thing is, we have very different opinions about it. His family is all very supportive of him. He is the baby of the family and they treat him like a martyr. "Poor him, poor him." He has been into drugs and in and out of jail his entire life and they all act like it was never really his fault and that it has just been this long hard life for him. So, they are now saying that he is finally going to get better by becoming a woman. Well, in our relationship, I saw things very differently. He was very abusive in every possible way. He was disrespectful to my family, including getting drunk and screaming at my grandmother in her own house at a Christmas party. His decision that he wanted to be a woman was way after we split up, I left him for entirely different reasons and had no idea that he had any thoughts like that. My ex's family wants me to tell my son that his dad leaving him to become a woman is a totally normal thing and that he should be proud of him for all the struggles he's gone through and for finally coming out about his desire to be a woman. Well, my personal views on gender aside, my ex brought all of his troubles upon himself and I'm not going to tell my son that going in and out of jail and being abusive to family members is just a struggle some people have to go through.
The things is, I want some kind of neutral explanation for my son. I don't want to try to tell him that what my ex is doing is good or bad, just that it is the choice he has made.
I'm not looking for a debate over whether changing gender is right or wrong. People have their right to choose, there's just no argument with that. The fact here is that my ex's decision affects my sons life. I want to help him understand why his dad isn't around without making my son think that his dad is bad or that his dad is doing a great thing. I just want to help him understand that his dad isn't around because of his choices.
It is one thing to have to deal with your ex deciding to change his gender and when your son is older that perhaps can be explained more in depth or if you feel it is strongly effecting your son and you start to notice his behavior is changing in way that concerns you I would advise considering seeing a counselor who can help both you and your son cope and deal with all the problems.
It makes no difference if your ex decides to become a woman that does not mean he will change his past behavior if he has addictions to drugs, alcohol or abusive behavior because those things need to be dealt with as well. The best you can do is let your son know that his dad loves him but he is having some problems that he needs to work out and just because he isn't around right now does not mean he does not love him.
As for your ex's family well you can't change their behavior or their opinions regarding their sons actions but you can point out to them that if they really want to be supportive to your son to not make up any excuses as to why his dad isn't around other then to say your dad loves you but is going through a difficult time right now.
I also think if it is possible and your ex is stable enough he should sit down along with you and your son and let him know that he loves him very much and is not abandoning him. However I do feel and hope your ex is seeking counseling. If you feel he is not then I would not allow any visits. I also think your ex's family should not get too involved here because it confuse your son even more. The problems need to be worked out between you, your ex and your son along with the the help of some counseling.
I can sense you are a good mom and only want what is best for your son so as difficult as this must be try not to let the pressure or your ex's family influence your decisions on how you should approach this. Again talk to a counselor as I really do think that would be in the best interest of your son and everyone else involved. Wishing you the very best and hoping things can be worked out in a positive way:)
I would say that unless there is a reason, your ex is visiting or your son has asked, wait.
Perhaps just say that he left to make some changes in his life. What the ex did or was in the past, how you or his family feels about it, isn't anything you need to tell your son about..
IF your ex in laws start 'giving his side' don't counter with your side, simply say, "that is their opinion" but nobody knows how he thinks or feels but him.
When he starts asking, I would state it simply, "he has a sex change". If your son asks why, say you don't know what he was thinking or feeling, no one knows but him.
IF he asks why, "I don't know why *ex* did it, but other people have said ... but I don't know what *ex* was thinking or feeling, no one does but him.
Explain generally as best you can, but make it clear that the only person that can explain *ex* actions or feelings is *ex*; so that when other people start explaining *ex* he has heard from you enough that only *ex* can explain *ex* and other people are only giving their opinion.