Hi

Do you think you may still be with one of these women had you not been engaged? Like, if you both weren’t interested in marrying?

I am going to suggest you read The New Codependency by Melody Beatty and do the exercises. This is the updated version of Codependent No More and I suggest the new version because it has the exercises at the end of each chapter and she's updated the newer styles of codependent behavior. See what you think about yourself and if it fits.

I recently heard a wise person say something like this: some people keep waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right. Lots of good enoughs come by but they aren't this perfect dream person we have in mind so they get rejected. No perfect Mr. or Ms. Right exists, all relationships have ups and downs. All humans have flaws. No other person can complete us, we have to complete ourselves. So we wait and look and never find this perfection because it doesn't exist.

You have to decide about you. You could be chasing a fantasy, or looking for someone to make you feel good or perfect within yourself. Some people stay unmarried, don't date, and are not in relationship with anyone all their lives. I have 4 relatives like this, some young, some now retirement age. Being alone is something that our minds tell us about, either we see it as okay and good or we see it as terrible and lonely. But one can be alone in a marriage. And many of us are going to end up alone in our retirement age as statistics are bearing this phenomenon out right now. Being alone is a not lonely. Being alone can be wonderful if one sees it as liberating.

I am going to suggest you do not live with this woman. I am going to suggest you see dating as a means to marriage, commitment. Living together is not the same as marriage no matter what anyone tells you. It can actually create more problems than it solves. There are statistics about how couples who live together break up at higher rates than our USA high rate of marriage failure! Its a fantasy thing in many relationships. So my suggestion is you date towards marriage and commitment and skip living together so that you can see this person as either wife material or not wife material. Don't decide to live together to "try out" potential marriage. Engagements have become a play thing for many people, not all of course. We get engaged because we are living together but we aren't in commitment - not really in commitment. Women tend to see living together as the next step towards marriage or the same as marriage. But men tend to think what? You've gone this route and are unhappy so its time to do something way different. Keep doing the same thing and you'll get the same results. You don't have to believe as I believe, but I think it is worth thinking about. And please know that even in good marriages, in real partnerships, there are arguments and problems. This is called life. Marry the wrong person, or someone with serious problems, and life can be hell. Marry a good person who is capable of true commitment and partnership and is not selfish and life can be grand - but there will also be problems. Life is about coping with problems, we all have problems.

I would just offer this: marriage is not a means to an end. I think as soon as we see it that way or comparing ourselves to others who found the perfect person, it creates all kinds of pressure, all kinds of doubts and all kinds of warped ideas of what we are supposed to do vs living authentically.

Figure out what YOU really want, independent of what you think you should want, what you think other people think you should want, or what other people have. Not everyone has to be married. Not everyone has to meet "the one" by a certain time period. There's no expiration date. If looks are important to you, then they're important to you. There is no shame in that. A lot of women bitch about men who value looks and as a woman I think so what. What other people desire is not about me or a statement about me. So I say own that if it's that important to you.

Then once you figure out what you really want for yourself, to be married eventually or not at all. or just dating, whatever, approach meeting people honestly with what you want in mind. That way you aren't clouding your own judgement and lying to yourself. You are also then being transparent with the women you meet. That way, you find women with similar values. So if you don't really want marriage, you'll meet women who feel the same. If you meet someone you connect with, don't get engaged, don't move in. Just cultivate a committed relationship independent of that stuff for now.

God if I made decisions based on where I thought I should be by a certain age, or what other people were doing, I'd have made terrible decisions. I married in my early 40s. All my friends were either married for almost 20 years by then or starting to divorce. Life is funny that way. No one is guaranteed a life with someone. The point is that whether we are with someone or not, we are ok, we are whole and we are fulfilled.

I suspect when it's truly the right time, when you feel totally comfortable with where you are in life, and with yourself, with not setting these measurements for where you should be or have by now, you may find the pickiness wanes and you are more open to taking chances.

rmb hit it on the head in so many ways. I second the idea that you not see marriage as an end in and of itself, and do stop comparing yourself to others. Live authentically as yourself and enjoy your time with your girlfriend without the pressure of worrying about an end goal. Personally I don't believe that there is a single "right one" but that there are many people in the world that we can connect with, and yet they are a blessing when you find one of them. Good luck.

Welcome nextstep.... You mentioned having depression for 15 years but didn't mention having professional help for it... Do you see a psychiatrist?

I am wondering if part of what you're looking for is a fantasy as well... You like the feeling of falling in love or lust but that of course doesn't last... the newness of a relationship

Perhaps some therapy could help with both the depression as well as what you're looking for..... Big hug....xo

If physical beauty is what seek, toss that out the window. The body, face, and hair change over time. Some women struggle with weight after 30, some 40, and some never! What happens after she has a baby? That is tough weight to lose, and if she has a csection? The stretch marks. What then, you going to leave her? My ex didn't care i had all that after our baby because he said I was beautiful inside.

What check boxes do you have? Sometimes our check boxes mean nothing because we over look the person inside.

It also sounds like you are looking for a lost soul mate and why you are unable to commit to these women?

I'm older than you, and still single, which I'm actually fine with. I've had depression since I was about 9 yrs old and didn't know I had it until I was 30. So from a little girl I was battling through every day thinking the way I felt was normal, when it wasn't. I'm quite proud to say that I've beaten the depression; been to 2 good therapists, become more career focused (I'm in the arts field), and done a lot of self-therapy. Depression is a Demon in my opinion, because with me it seemed to take the good things around me and somehow turn them into negative things. It stopped me from being interested in many good things, kept me away from people, stopped me even smiling, drained away most of my energy and spirit, and made my head feel really heavy. I think it was also the main reason why I dumped a couple of nice boyfriends....my mind turned nice things into bad things. As I couldn't really "give" love I don't think I was able to "receive" love? It could be that you're still in the process of gradually beating the depression? I think once you really feel it has been defeated, you will then be much more ready to settle. As for relationships, I'm not an expert, but one definitely has to be clear in their mind what they want, what is unacceptable, where they can compromise, and simply let their intuition tell them if it "feels" right or not. As soon as I meet my Mr. Right, I already know for a fact that it's going to be very different in how it feels....because I'm not dragging this awful demon around with me anymore. Hope that helps :-)