You/he needs to understand what the root of the problem is. My guess, he has control issues, trust issues, possibly some self hatred etc. You should try and get him to go to counselling. I don't think the two of you will be able to figure out what is going on with him on your own...likely goes back to his childhood. In the meantime do some research on-line on emotional abuse...sounds like you might be in this type of situation. There is also a board on DS called physical and emotional abuse if you haven't checked it out already. This might give you some insight into the kind of man he really is...not that he can't change, but the road won't be an easy one. Good luck!

"He says he has a fear of opening up and being vulnerable."

He doesn't want to admit that, sometimes, he is weak. This is especially obvious since, as you wrote, he feels the need to be in control all the time.

He also doesn't want to hurt.

Tell him that it's OK to admit that he doesn't know everything about everything, and that it's OK to admit that he needs help, and needs love. He's only human!

Also, tell him life hurts sometimes, and that it's OK to express hurt, to cry. Tell him that your love will nurture him through whatever hurt he may be feeling.

I think, if he allows himself to bravely plunge into your love, you two will achieve a much deeper love and level of understanding.

The ONLY good thing about all of this is that he is opening up to you by telling you why he is the way he is.

Unfortunately, this may simply be just who he is. I'm sure you had some idea of how he was BEFORE you married him. Most of us women know what we are getting into but we ignore the signs thinking (just like you said) that he would change.

Please don't expect him to change. You will only be setting up yourself for major disappointment & feelings of emotional neglect. You can either accept the type of man you are married to or TRY counseling (which can be a long shot) or find someone else who shares more in common with you.

Perhaps try counseling together?

Sunnyjax,

I'm so sorry to hear about this struggle you are facing with your husband. It certainly sounds like something in his life has prevented him from opening himself up to others. It's hard to try and speculate just what without the trained experience of someone like a counselor who could dig a little deeper into his life and try and find out what's holding him back. If he's willing to learn how to open up more like you mentioned, then perhaps he'd be willing to try and find a counselor who could spend some time getting to know him and just see what happens! I was wondering has he ever shared about any friendships in his life with other male friends or anyone that he's ever been close to? If so, perhaps you could contact one of them and see if they'd be willing to talk to your husband. Maybe some good conversation or hangout time with something he trusts will start the process of opening him up more so you two can connect. Just some thoughts. Let me know what you think!

We have talked about this - I feel and he says so too - that this stems from his overly cosseted childhood until he was 16 when his parents dropped him off at Cadet School to live and join the police.they then moved out of the country.
This is deeply hurtful and left him feeling abandoned. He also used to get bullied at school as he was an RAF child and always the new boy, he developed a stutter.

He goes along just bouncing in his bubble never really connecting, or wanting to connect and understand someone, as this may lead to pain.

He is very sensitive to any criticism so having this conversation with him was a breakthrough. He does cry at things on TV or cries when he had a bad dream about me dying once.

He also over-eats. Just can't stop, compulsive.

I feel it is the only way we will stay together, without a proper connection I feel I will feel empty and rejected.

We met while dancing but he is so riddled with insecurities we used to leave early very often, even though I tried to boost him up about it.

I know people don't fundamentally change but I just want him to feel safe and loved.
I do del sad in this partnership as I feel he pushes me out and treats me with indifference, but he says he doesn't feel that way. He just makes all the decisions without me. He even sold my car while I was out! His way, or no way.

What did you both put in place before you got married when you knew he had these hang-ups?

I have a male friend who is also emotionally unavailable and wants to overcome it. He has been reading the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved" by Matthew Kelly which was recommended to him by his therapist, and he reckons it is the best book he has ever come across regarding the issue of intimacy. You may want to see whether your husband would be interested in reading it. Hopefully it can help him too.

thanks for that book will try it.

Counselling is near impossible in the UK so self-help and understanding is the only accessible option!
xxx

Good luck, because I know how challenging it can be for you to be understanding with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Communicating your needs to him is key so that hopefully he can really work on giving you the emotional support and connection you need.

Sunnyjax,

I'm familiar with a group in the UK called Care for the Family - http://bit.ly/1iHDjfN. Looks like they offer marriage support through their resources and potentially counseling or befriending services. You might check them out.

Keep us updated, friend!

I say my husband is emotionally disabled because he's so afraid of intimacy and really telling me what's going on with him. We've been married 26 years so some times have worked more smoothly than others- and we've had at least two major times we separated or almost separated, and we've had multiple issues- but for us- for me- the real deal breaker has been this issue- he's not a control freak but he gets very stressed out and irritated if anything unexpected happens- especially with money. With me, I've just had to practically beg for attention, affection, involvement, and for him to even have sex with me. When he gets even a little stressed he pulls farther away and won't talk. One time we went to Jamaica and he was a complete ass the whole time- and I had gained a lot of weight at that point and he wasn't very attracted to me he claimed later his vision of going on the trip didn't mess with what I looked like- so because I wasn't an exotic model he wanted to pretend I wasn't there! When we got back I was crying in the car begging him to tell me what was wrong and he said nothing, and he kept doing that for months. When I finally had enough, I told him I wanted to separate and we stayed up all night talking and laughing and crying because he was miserable too and was proud of me for having the balls to admit it, because he couldn't. He had been having a couple of flirtations, online flings, emotional affairs maybe, but that didn't bother me as much as just lying and saying nothing was wrong- I thought I was going insane!
I've gone to therapy multiple times and drug him to a marriage counselor who turned out to be useless all because of my feelings about our marriage and the way he is. He's a nice guy, he loves his children, he tries when he's in the mood or has to energy- but he came from a very dysfunctional family and he didn't learn how to be a man or an adult or a healthy confidant human. He's so scared of everything and he's safe in his misery. I however, am not, and am starting to figure out how my life is going to be and what I want from life now that I've stopped fighting for him to be the person I know he can be. Unless there's a miracle, we're over and I'm mulling over my escape.

Sorry, so much, but I was just thinking about how sometimes the lack of intimacy can be interpreted as rejection- and when we learn it isn't about us it does make it a little more acceptable and easier to live with- if you can just joke and say something and he comes back- but with my husband he would get defensive or start some big deal about it or make me feel like I'm insane and he'd say he was sorry I felt the way I felt (but not apologize for his actions).
But also the emotional disconnection FEELS like dishonesty. If I ask you if you're okay but I feel like you're not and then you say you're fine- I start to question how I understand you- how I understand myself and our relationship, that's when it gets unhealthy and dysfunctional and there's some mind game crap going on- just from his refusing to tell you how he feels- and in my experience, if you stick around long enough, you find out there is some stuff going on in his beady little brain that isn't good for your relationship.
I tried to explain why I wanted him to get therapy but he refuses. I read books, gave him books and articles, I've pulled him out of his shell multiple times- but he's just broken me one too many times.
If your husband doesn't work on it- he will break your heart until there aren't even crumbs left and you'll be sitting in the same room with him like I am doing now not speaking looking up tips on divorce.

That's a big no no, marrying someone hoping they will change into who you want them to be. And a lot of us have done it. It doesn't work. Either you have to accept him the way he is, the way you married him, or hope and pray he wants to. Hange, or leave if you can't live with a husband who is emotionally unavailable. They don't change after marriage usually.