Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am 52 years old. Single, never been married, no children. I have lived outside of my home town for over 20 years. I have been employed, bought a home, a car and basically managed my life without any assistance from my parents. That is fine. They raised me well enough that I was able to get along very independently.
But now, since they have retired ( they are divorced and retired at separate times ) they now feel they need to manage my life.
They separated when I was 12 and when that happened, my sister and myself were basically left to take care of ourselves. My mother had to find work and my father was the one to leave the home and except for occational weekend visits, he wasn't much part of our lives. When I needed their parenting, they weren't there.
Now, I can't get rid of them. They hate that I live 2 hours away from them. They think I cannot manage my life because I am not married. Because I don't share every detail of my life with them, they are insistant that I have no friends.
I used to go home often to visit, but each year it gets worse and worse. They complain about my living too far away and that they worry about me being alone. I am not alone, I have friends and people who support me, but because they don't see it, it must not exist.
Now, when I go home its just a huge guilt trip.
These are people I love, but I don't like.
They aren't bad people, but if we met today, we would be polite to each other, but we wouldn't be friends. We have nothing in common, from interests to values. So, if we weren't family, we would never socialize together.
Again, I love them and while I have been up front and honest with them, that I love them but they need to back off, they refuse to hear it.
I only hear from them when they are bored. They do things for me that I don't ask for and don't want and expect me to be greatful.
Each year this gets worse and I am attributing this to age, but it makes me never to want to go home and see them.
Example - I told my mother not to get me anything for Christmas. This is not me being self depricating. I truly do not want her to get me anything. Even when I come out and tell her exactly what I want, she ignores it and get what she wants. Usually it is something I can't or won't use. She wastes money on it and she is on an extremely limited income. I gave her money this year so she can Christmas shop. So, when I say I don't want anything, I mean it. But she is hurt by it - like I am doing it to deliberately to hurt her. Since I was a child, even telling her what I wanted, she never paid any attention and just got what she wanted.
I don't want to have to pretend I like something I can't use and that has wasted her money. Its a relief not to get anything.
Same thing with my father. I ask him for nothing, but he doesn't listen. He likes to buy christmas themed things. While they are nice things, I have a closet full of junk I don't use. Last year he bought me a cell phone I didn't ask for. Every time I talk to him on it ( as its my only phone now - because I couldn't not use it ) he asks me "how's the phone" expecting me to all of the sudden rapsodize about this phone - which I didn't want and is much fancier than I will ever use - and sounds disappointed when I just say fine and don't expound on it.
Now - I know in the grand scheme of things, these are not huge problems, but they make me feel so guilty and terrible that I cry about it.
I know I just need to get over it, but I don't know how or why I can't just push it aside.
They make me feel a failure for not being the kind of child they wanted. Married with children and a husband that lives next to them and likes all the things they like.
They don't and never accepted me for the person I am.
It hurts
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
That is on you. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
If you feel you are a capable, successful adult, regardless of you marital status, that is what counts.
FWIW, there was a time I felt that my parents didn't respect my accomplishments. Granted, I did have a troubled past (alcoholism, mental illness, a divorce, financial problems) that influenced their perception of my abilities and competence. Once I actually "owned" my accomplishments and felt competent and capable, what my parents thought of me mattered less and less. "It's none of my business what others think of me." Including my parents.
Either, the less I cared what my parents thought and the more I accepted them and their particulars behaviors or perhaps, maybe they did change their perception of me, but my relationship with them vastly improved.
ETA - I'm 56 years old.
I would let my mom drive me bananas. She lived 4 hours away from me and she kind of saw me as a child as well. I think sometimes that’s how our parents remember us, sort of in this suspended adolescence. My dad was the same way. It’s because that’s probably the last time they really knew me in a deep way was when I lived with them. My dad died several years ago. My Mom is 72 years old with Alzheimer’s and is now completely bed ridden, can’t feed herself any more, can’t control her bowels or bladder any longer and doesn’t know my name any more. I think she still knows who I am in that she knows we are family, I think. She fortunately lives near me now with my brother and his family. I’d give anything to hear talk to me like I’m a child again, for her to buy me ugly clothes because “I saw it and just had to get it because it’s so you.” Or tell me I look like this actress on tv, only to find out the actress is butt ugly. Or to completely interrupt me to talk about herself. Honestly, it’s so hard to resent your parent when you see them ill and incapacitated, unable to communicate. The anger and annoyance and resentment that you carry all those years... it’s just gone. And you’re sort of left with this acceptance, which is kind of freeing. The slate feels clean.
So I’m just saying try not to sweat what you think they think of you. They love you but just don’t know you. Be a little forgiving of their nuttiness. They won’t be here forever.
Yard_Eggs and rmb have said it well. They won't always be here, so you just have to suck it up and put up with it. You be the mature adult you say that you are. All these "annoyances" and nuances will be much missed when they are gone, believe me.
Parents are all kind of meddling, isn't that their job?? It's their way of showing they care about you. I am pretty certain even if you had a husband and 2.5 kids, they would still find something to get on your case about. They are from a different generation and expect to see different things. And it seems they have more time now that they are both retired. You are their new "job" (for now).
No, they don't know you anymore because they don't live near you or see you all the time. Sounds to me that they really care about you. They enjoy giving you Christmas gifts.... so let them do it. Accept the gifts graciously. It gives them happiness. That is really the right thing to do.
"Now - I know in the grand scheme of things, these are not huge problems, but they make me feel so guilty and terrible that I cry about it."
Pain is pain, MTM. It exists to let us know something is wrong. Fix it, preferably before it escalates into something much harder to fix. Please be gentle with yourself while you are looking for solutions. You are not horrible for having pain. Just human.
"I know I just need to get over it, but I don't know how or why I can't just push it aside."
I like the Serenity Prayer to help me with this task. In addition, I add visualization while I am looking for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. My most used visualization is to imagine the person who is driving me crazier looking through the bars of a psychiatric hospital window. It reminds me that the person is sick, not cruel. They did not acquire this illness just to inconvenience me and their symptoms are even worse on the inside than they are to me.
Gentle support while you find what works for you, MTM. Keep venting. Your own answers are in there. Welcome aboard.
That said, I suspect that my children know me better than anyone else in the world.
But as much as I adore them, at times, my children are strangers to me.
I just wonder, if it's possible, that it's your parents who feel useless and are trying awkwardly to be helpful to you?
((( I have a friend, who was married with 3 kids. Her mother bought so many things for each of the kids (10-15 presents apiece...that you could hardly walk in their small house for all of the TellyTubbies, dolls, doll houses, and action figures...it wasn't pretty. Just saying married with kids might not have made things easier.)))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq6rusc_EjM
Heartfelt hugs...it's a tough issue
If they enjoy Christmas and always have I can't imagine them not wanting to buy their daughter a gift even if they do have a limited income
They would probably feel awful if they didn't..... They do it partly for themselves as when they go out to shop for something that they hope you'll like it makes them feel good
I would try and accept it with the spirit it is given in..... a gift from your mom and from your dad
You are a forward thinking woman and I think it's grand...… They are maybe thinking from another time and just want to know that you're okay
Their prodding may be their way of stating that they do care in 'their' way..... If you find what they're asking or stating offensive I would tell them that
Let them know that you've told them that you are content the way things are and that you feel insulted that they keep rehashing what 'they' think you should be doing
I would say it in a kind but firm way
I agree that they won't be here forever.... I've lost my birth family and I miss them a great deal.... I would give them the gift of trying to enjoy your Christmas gifts...
Big hug......xo
I think many of the responses you have recieved hit on this notion of acceptance of who one is, not how we would have them to be. Perhaps applying that acceptance to your parents will result in their more fully accepting you.
I learned an invaluable lesson in AA. "I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world (and others) as on what needs to changed in me and in my attitudes. - Alcoholics Anonymous pg 417
There are so many thoughtful responses on this thread. I find it kind moving. Maybe I’m a little emotional with the holidays approaching and just thinking about my own mom... .
Trust you feelings there is a reason you feel like you do around them. Are either of them narcissist? Perhaps do some reading and see if that is the case.
I was told by a good psychologist to stop parenting when they are 18 and be their friends, it has really helped my relationship too and sounds like they don't see the "adult" in you
My father still treats me as if I am 15! I recently moved close to them, bit mistake, he wants to know where I am 24-7...driving me batty. I am thinking of doing the same for him constantly ask where he was and is going. I even had to block him on my iPhone as he calls 4 or 5 times when I said I would be home after dinner. I arrived at 7:30pm!! OMG it drives me batty
The other posters are right, you can give up the expectations that they're going to understand you. But It's still going to make you 'feel' inadequate...them being around you will trigger that feeling in you...it's annoying and not a fun time to hang out with them. You could though take it as a compliment, you say 'you can't get rid of them', obviously they love you and want to be around you, it's not that they disapprove of your lifestyle choices they just don't know because of their own upbringing how to express their love for you positively. If they assume that you're alone and lonely as you're not married then you could ask them then why are they divorced and not married then?!?!
My grandmother used to be the same with me all the time growing up from about age 18...she told me I could not leave my parents home at age 21 as I was not married, at the age of 30 not being married she called me an 'old maid.' (my grandmother was a widow for most of my life) At age 30 when she made that old maid comment I said 'you're the oldest maid of all!' she was shocked and appalled but she shut up after that comment.