Healthy Relationships Support Group
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We have been married 25 years, I have lived through his porn addiction, the countless lies, an affair, almost loosing our business of 23 years because of his depression and then immigrating across the world to start all over again, through all of the above I have stuck by his side!
The older he gets the more insecure, difficult, moody, irritable and super sensitive. I find myself constantly avoiding him, it’s draining being around him. He’s a homebody, does not have friends, watches TV from morning till night on his days off and gets offended if I don’t spend time with him while he watches TV. He complains a lot and about everyone.
I walk around on eggshells, I have to watch what I say and how I say it otherwise he gets angry and ignores me for days. I am not allowed to disagree with him, I am not allowed to tell him if I think he did something wrong, I’m not allowed to ask him to do anything around the house, I am not allowed to get angry and if I do any of the above he will get upset with me and sulk and not speak to me at all.
He is constantly telling me what I do wrong and how to do everything his way. I don’t get upset easily and when he does upsets me, I get over it very quickly. I always apologise even if I know I am not at fault and he is being ridiculous, I do it to just to keep the peace.
He knows I hate the silent treatment, I think he does it to punish me. There is so much tension in our home.
When he is in a good mood, everyone is relaxed and happy, he can be so kind and loving at times and then I forget is manipulative ways but it's not long and we are back to square one.
When we try and discuss our arguments and I explain how he makes me feel, he says that's how I make him feel. If I tell him that he said something and it really hurt my feelings his reply is always " but you say the same things to me" it's like playing a game of tennis...... According to him, I am the problem! I am the one who does and says things to annoy him so I am constantly blamed for 90% of our arguments.
An example of the kind of things he gets angry over, we went on holiday, we were laying out at the pool, we had not been there long and he wanted to go back to our hotel room, I said I would like to stay at the pool a bit longer......he never spoke to me for 3 days!! He then told me if I had just said yes he would have not become angry so it's my fault.....this is just a tiny example, this happens weekly!
I feel so stuck! Am tired of apologising, I am tired of him getting upset over the most ridiculous issues, some too pathetic to even mention. I don't have the guts to leave him and he knows I never will.
I am trying a new tactic, I have now decided to ignore him when he gives me the silent treatment and act like his sulking is not bothering me in the slightest, it's very difficult because I always give in to keep the peace and feel sorry for him! It feels like he plays games with me....
I personally think that he is so used to me apologising and running after him that subconsciously his behaviour has become a habit, in some sick kind of way he enjoys my grovelling.
Do you think he knows this? Do you think he treats me this way to gain attention? What is his reason for behaving like a spoilt child who can not get his own way? Boggles my brain!
It is such a sad situation it leaves you feeling so empty inside, worthless at times and not good enough.
My self confidence has disappeared, I feel like my life is wasting away but deep down I know I am worth far more, I deserve to be happy.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and any advice
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
My hope for all of you is this book will give you the firm knowledge that You Are Worthy and Are Sane! The emotional abuse of a gas-lighter is so far beyond horrid....just because you are not black and blue the emotional pain is real.
Thank you again for your messages!
BkindBthoughtful, I am too sorry that you have to go through this, it is an everyday struggle and I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice because I don’t know what to do in my situation either, we can only be here for one another and offer support!
I did a bit of research on Gaslighting, Narssacivsm, Manipulation & Controlling behaviours to see which one my husband falls into.
He displays many of the Gaslighting and Covert Narssasist qualities.
I have been tolerating with his behaviour for over 25 years, only now am I starting to realise that I have been dealing with an emotional abusive person. I have had thoughts of maybe in the past but always tried to play down his behaviour, make excuses for him and apologise to keep the peace.
As I write this I still have my doubts even though he has all the characteristics of an emotional abuser.
He definitely is more of the covert narssasist. He very seldom shouts or speaks down to me. The last 5 years he has been very critical of everything I do which has led me to second guess myself constantly. He does this all in a subtle way, he knows what buttons to press.
I have worked very hard on areas of my marriage where I felt I was wrong and I knew I had to try and change my ways if I wanted my marriage to work.
I was always taught to speak up if something was bothering me, I was a very outgoing happy go lucky kinda girl. I loved the idea of marriage, white picket fence & family and couldn’t wait to find my Prince Charming. I married someone who had old school Christian values, I loved this about him! Unfortunately I did realise his old school values were a bit controlling.
I in turn stood my ground in arguments and would have my say. When he gave me the silent treatment, I would apologise for becoming angry and raising my voice. I have ALWAYS been the peacemaker in our relationship. He always said I had no respect for him, and the tone in my voice was disrespectful towards him.
So I worked long and hard on these flaws, it’s taken me years to learn to walk away, keep quiet, and watch my tone and words around him so I don’t disrespect him.
The last 5 years I have become more submissive because I thought that would help our marriage and he would be happy.
OMW just reading everything I have said sounds crazy!! I see the red flags, I feel the gut feeling, I know a lot of what I tolerate is not normal but I can’t let go, I have thought of leaving so many times but deep down I am too co dependant on him, I can’t see a life without him so just continue to suffer!
I am my own worst enemy.
He is giving me the silent treatment at the moment it’s been 3 days.
I am trying the Grayrock method and he seems to be getting more and more annoyed with me the longer I ignore him.
I am praying I don’t cave in again and be the peace maker, it’s so hard because I hate the tension in our home!
Sorry for rambling on, I just had to get this off my chest.
Why he does all this is another story.
He is not going to change. If the silent treatment no longer gets your attention and makes you react to him, he will find another tactic to control you.
So if you don't want to be upset all the time or controlled all the time or demeaned and diminished, the only option I see is for you to change how you think, act, react, deal with him. What that means to you is up to you.
The tension in your home will not stop until your home is without the person causing the tension. You can not make him change but you can change how you react. Fix your codependence if you want peace and a happy home. When we don't fix ourselves, we attract another mate/partner just like the first one. I might suggest you read The New Codependency or any book about narcissistic tactics as others have discussed.