I certainly hope that's attainable...because the pain of a failed relationship really sucks, and I never want to get hurt again after this.

Is it just the breakup, though, that is painful, or were you in pain when you were in love?

I haven't been experiencing pain with mine. I have actually been pretty happy.
Maybe for some there is a certain level of pain?

I was actually in a little bit of pain during the relationship (the last couple months or so). Reason being, I knew in my GUT that it wasn't going to work out, but I lied to myself. He wasn't right for me, and even though it was abundantly clear in so many ways, I stayed with him for comfort, and because I was incredibly attached to him. He did not meet my basic needs--which aren't complicated--they are what MOST women want and need and deserve in any relationship. Love, connection, cherishment, appreciation, etc. A lot of times he left me feeling extremely empty. I would ignore it though, because most of the time I didn't want to start a fight and make him want to leave me.

All I did was put off the inevitable. I sacrificed my happiness to be with him. That kind of "love" brings you pain. To be happy in a relationship I suppose you need to find someone who fulfills your basic needs, and you fulfill them in return; you need to find someone who will allow you to grow, not hold you back.

I'm sure it's possible, as I've read many posts in this group about people who HAVE found that. I have yet too.

It is only pain-free if both people speak the same love language. There may be mutual love but if you give it and receive it differently, it's gonna hurt.

I think it's completely realistic that any relationship, at one time or other, will cause hurt. Someone offends, someone forgets, someone gets angry, someone misreads a situation. It doesn't mean there isn't mutual love, but we are all human. We make mistakes. We cause hurt, even to those we love the most.

But, when it comes to love, I think the question is -- what is the root of this hurt? Is it pain or is it suffering? There's a big difference. Pain has a purpose. Suffering is true torture because it has no meaning. Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is devastating.

Ask any woman about child labor. How was it?
Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It was painful, but I didn't suffer. I would do it again.

If you think there's no purpose to your emotional hurt, you'll just want out. You'll run from your responsibility, your vows...you'll run from it all just to get relief from an unbearable suffering.

But if you can come to understand why you're in a painful situation, then you'll succeed to make it through. Why is this happening to you? What are you supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you see how your relationship problems are really an opportunity for you and your partner to become closer and even more in love?

So, to answer your question in a long-winded way(!), Koolman, I think it is a given that love cannot be pain-free. We just need to figure out where it's coming from and does it have a purpose.

I'm deeply in love with my guy.... but i have experienced a lot of pain but it is due to his medical condition. He has been through so much and it hurts both of us that there is nothing we can do to help him. I go through pain everyday thinking that there is a possibility that I will never see him again... panic and fear rise up and choke the life out of me on a daily basis. But I love him and he loves me and we would never hurt each other on purpose. this is something we have no control over. yet thinking back on the last 6 months since he took a turn for the worst I still wouldn't change anything. I have learned and grown with him and we have turned our love into something that nothing can break... not even death. I will love him into the next life (if there is one for us) I will love him just the way he is whether he can provide for me or whether I have to go out and take care of him... nothing will stop me.

It still breaks my heart on a daily basis to think about a life that maybe without him.

hope: I honestly have no idea why I suffer. I had a good family life growing up, but school was hell from the 4th to 8th grade, when a few jocks picked on me, and my retreat was to introvert and turn my rage into passion for hobbies like moviemaking and photography, beautiful pursuits but frequently isolated ones. When I hit puberty, I had no idea how to deal with my own raging hormones toward girls and whether their needs matched mine, which were mostly just sexual, was terrified to talk about it with any of them, so I turned to masturbation, which fulfilled my sexual need, but, again, is an isolated pursuit. Haven't quite gotten to that place where we can combine love with sex, which is what I desperately want to do. Maybe I've been "behind the times" my whole life. Maybe I doubt my own ability to SUSTAIN love, or at least that romantic feeling (I run dry sometimes and don't want a woman to see that I'm dry and therefore unable to fulfill her need to be loved)--I believe true love is a conscious decision independent of a feeling, that involves sacrifice but also allows me to grow in a deeper way. Maybe it's meant to happen in God's time, not mine, and I simply need to relax, put myself in situations with a healthy, like-minded woman where love, if it's there, can grow. I'm steering clear of bars and going to church regularly. Maybe this will help, not only put me in the right mindset, but attract another too, the right one at the right time in the right set of circumstances. Thanks, you all! Very enlightening.

Koolman - Firstly I would like to say your contributions from what I have seen in my limited time being 'semi active' on this web site have been stellar.

I want to share with you a piece of poetry from one of my favorite books Kahlil Girbran's - The Prophet: this is his piece on LOVE

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.

And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I believe that in every relationship some issues or troubles may arise. But if you ask me, I have had my share of pain, When I see it coming, I go the other way. Life is too short. The breakup is painful but the relationship should not be!

Koolman - Firstly I would like to say your contributions from what I have seen in my limited time being 'semi active' on this web site have been stellar.

I want to share with you a piece of poetry from one of my favorite books Kahlil Girbran's - The Prophet: this is his piece on LOVE

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.

And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Sounds Biblical, George (even though it's not). Thanks!

Relax and accept the sweetness of love as it rolls over us, try to sleep through when it's not so sweet-?

I am so glad you shared that poem George. It is one of my favorite descriptions of love.
In my case, I have not found love to be without any pain. Even if it's just the pain of not knowing what the future will hold.....
I have found, however, that out of most pain comes self awareness. It's the lesson we need to be searching for. I believe God has a way of placing two souls together that need just the healing that the other can bring. Often, that healing comes from truths revealed about ourselves that are not easy to hear, or admit to. If it's a true and deep relationship you desire, there will be some pain that comes along with it.

My own relationship with God (and, yes, I believe there is a God) has been a rocky one, and there is some pain there in that relationship. I find embracing pain and pushing through it (or against it) is the only answer to build spiritual strength. I cry my eyes out in Christian church, then feel totally empowered and invigorated. Perhaps beneath pain is true power-? In our creator?