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Do I stay or break up?

SocalStarfish
SocalStarfish
I've been with my BF for 3 years. I don't doubt our love. He is a good man. He has been single all his life with some avoidant tendencies. I had been previously married for 14 years. We used to enjoy spending nights at each other's houses until he pulled away from it a couple years ago. It makes me feel rejected and has been an issue between us for a long time. I feel he has an "unhealthy attachment" to his house or I'm just in denial. This is the first house he has ever owned. Sometimes I feel he would rather be home alone then with me. We talked about renting our houses and moving in together last year but he backed out when it started to become a reality. Now we are here again. It seems the only way we can spend the night together (other then travel) or move in together is if we are at his house. I feel like his house is the "other woman" or maybe just a cover for his avoidance behavior? What do I do?
zoidberg
zoidberg
Maybe I'm missing something here but if you were willing to rent your house out then why don't you just move in with him.
SocalStarfish
SocalStarfish
He has a tiny house. We have to take out a loan of over $100k to add a bedroom and bath to his home. If he were to rent out his house as is and move into my house (which is double the size of his), there is no financial cost.
Aronia
Aronia
Obviously this is something that is important to him.
Idk his situation, but I never had a stable place to live since I was a baby and when I got married and lived in a home for 13 years I felt like I was finally grounded, it was a symbol of everything that I ever wanted - to belong somewhere instead of wandering like a ship in the ocean. Now I am divorced and I had to leave that house. My ex and I may end up selling soon and the thought of getting rid of it makes me hurt.
Idk what his issue is, but whatever it is - it is important to him. What has he said to you about it ?
On top of it, does he actually leave the house without any problems or is he always inside? Maybe he has a mild case of agoraphobia?
SocalStarfish
SocalStarfish
Thank you Aronia, that makes sense. Growing up, he didn't have a stable family as his dad left when he was 10. His family never owned a house, they always rented. I think you hit on something. This house is his stability.
Quietstorm17
Quietstorm17
You said he's been single his whole life so PRETTY sure there's some fears about selling the house, moving with you, and worst case scenario it doesn't work out. He'd potentially be left with no home. I'd be scared too! Haha.

Not to say he doesn't want to make a life with you of course, it probably just some deep rooted issue making it difficult to let go of that stability, possibly the only stability he's ever known? I know it'd be that case with me.

Idk about him not wanting to stay the night with you, how does he explain this?
koolman
koolman
It totally sounds financial. I totally agree with Quietstorm. With regard to him not wanting to spend the night with you anymore, sex has a tendency to create a baby, if you get pregnant, he'll then be FORCED to take out that $100k loan to add that spare bedroom or move in with you, in both cases giving up his autonomy and possibly go bankrupt or be homeless. I'd be scared too!
theresabb
theresabb
I'm sure this situation is eating at you, especially if, like you said "He's a good man". I totally get it. I was divorced 18 years after my first marriage. Second husband passed away after 17 years. Through both relationships we resided in "my house". After all I helped build it. I know where every nail is in it.

Today I have a wonderful boyfriend. The kicker......yup he also has his own home, next to his parents. It's small, really only good for one person. We both have animals that are very used to their own homes. His parents, at 79 years old, need him around. He told his folks that he knows I would not want to move into a village after residing in the country for so many years. And we have talked about marriage down the road. To date we have not spent the night at each others home. We've camped together but with nephews and my grand son.

We both know we are attached to our homes. So what can we do? We enjoy each other as much as we can. He knows I'm there for him and I know he's there for me. Time will have to work it's magic I guess.

So my suggestion to you is this....enjoy the time you spend together, his house, your house. If it seems that he prefers you together at his house ask him why. We have talked about our issues. Maybe you need to come right out and ask him.

Hugs and good luck