Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My significant other and I were the bestest of friends for 5 years before we took a dive into deciding to be in a relationship. We had made it to nearly 2 years together. He was burned really bad in his early 20s so he decided to remain single for a long time. Outside of casually dating a girl for a couple months before we met, he hasnt been in a relationship. He hasnt had to be there for someone else and make time. He also works close to 70 hours a week (not always by choice, but because of the field of work he is in).
Anyways, I tell you all of this because I think its important information to have when asking what I am about to ask. Almost a month ago, my significant other had a complete meltdown and said he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. He said some very hurtful things to me too, saying it felt like a burden to have to call me to see how I am doing, and how he is not in love with me anymore and he knows I am not happy with him. I was completely shocked, and couldnt believe the words that were coming out of his mouth because out of our 7 years of knowing each other we had always been there for the other no matter what ups and downs we went through. It broke my heart and I left. I didnt believe that he meant what he said, but thought he had to be going through something, but the words get stuck in your head and they haunt you.
Anyways, he finally reached back out to me this past Monday. He called me crying and begging for my forgiveness. He said he knew he broke something that he had that was really special and he took it for granted. He said he knows he doesnt deserve anything from me now, and he knows that he hurt me badly and wish he could take it all back. He said he was just emotionally exhausted from all the stress of his family and work and he lashed out at me. He said he thought he wanted to be alone, but then he realized that he didnt and all he wanted was for me and my daughter by his side and that he was completely in love with me.
I am all about second chances and everyone is human and deserves forgiveness. I know he struggles in the relationship department and is trying to learn. I love him very deeply, as we have been there for each other for the last 7 years of my life. Part of me really wants this... I really want to be with him and have a life with him. He told me he wants this too. But this is the second time he has just completely shut me out for weeks out of the blue and I have had to deal with heartache and brokeness of feeling like I did something wrong when I know I didnt and that this is his mess he has to fix. I want to go back, but I am now scared that this will happen again... Plus, I have words in my head that he said to me that can be forgiven but wont be forgotten. Every time he calls, I wont feel like he wants to hear my voice and see how I am doing, but that I am an obligation he is having to fullfill.
We havent talked since monday, though he did send me a good morning text today. I am really just taking the space to decide if this is what I want and hopefully we can talk some more because I had thought I had said everything I needed to say on Monday, but I realized there is alot more that still needs to be said.
But I wanted to get advice. Do I go back? Do I give him a second chance? The times we do spend together are very nice and loving even though its so little. I think I want to go back, but do I give him that chance to potentially do this to me again? Becuse that is what I am most scared of right now.
Anyways, I tell you all of this because I think its important information to have when asking what I am about to ask. Almost a month ago, my significant other had a complete meltdown and said he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. He said some very hurtful things to me too, saying it felt like a burden to have to call me to see how I am doing, and how he is not in love with me anymore and he knows I am not happy with him. I was completely shocked, and couldnt believe the words that were coming out of his mouth because out of our 7 years of knowing each other we had always been there for the other no matter what ups and downs we went through. It broke my heart and I left. I didnt believe that he meant what he said, but thought he had to be going through something, but the words get stuck in your head and they haunt you.
Anyways, he finally reached back out to me this past Monday. He called me crying and begging for my forgiveness. He said he knew he broke something that he had that was really special and he took it for granted. He said he knows he doesnt deserve anything from me now, and he knows that he hurt me badly and wish he could take it all back. He said he was just emotionally exhausted from all the stress of his family and work and he lashed out at me. He said he thought he wanted to be alone, but then he realized that he didnt and all he wanted was for me and my daughter by his side and that he was completely in love with me.
I am all about second chances and everyone is human and deserves forgiveness. I know he struggles in the relationship department and is trying to learn. I love him very deeply, as we have been there for each other for the last 7 years of my life. Part of me really wants this... I really want to be with him and have a life with him. He told me he wants this too. But this is the second time he has just completely shut me out for weeks out of the blue and I have had to deal with heartache and brokeness of feeling like I did something wrong when I know I didnt and that this is his mess he has to fix. I want to go back, but I am now scared that this will happen again... Plus, I have words in my head that he said to me that can be forgiven but wont be forgotten. Every time he calls, I wont feel like he wants to hear my voice and see how I am doing, but that I am an obligation he is having to fullfill.
We havent talked since monday, though he did send me a good morning text today. I am really just taking the space to decide if this is what I want and hopefully we can talk some more because I had thought I had said everything I needed to say on Monday, but I realized there is alot more that still needs to be said.
But I wanted to get advice. Do I go back? Do I give him a second chance? The times we do spend together are very nice and loving even though its so little. I think I want to go back, but do I give him that chance to potentially do this to me again? Becuse that is what I am most scared of right now.
You have a daughter - is this an environment you want her in? Is this behavior you want her exposed to, and the type of relationship you want her to grow up thinking is healthy?
"Every time he calls, I wont feel like he wants to hear my voice and see how I am doing, but that I am an obligation he is having to fullfill."
This is not an effect that someone who loves us has on us. This feeling is not likely to go away any time soon, and you will likely increase the rift between you two by going back to him while feeling this way.
It does sound like you really care about him and there is a lot of potential there for you two to be happy together. I am by no means suggesting you should run for the hills...
But weigh out each possible outcome of staying together and staying apart. Which outcome cant you live with?