Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Ok, so my wonderful hubby (26) and I (21) have been married for just a few months, but we've been together for almost three years. I recently found out I'm pregnant, and we are both nervous and excited. My issue is this: I feel like he controls when we have sex. About a year ago, we would go at it at least a couple times a week (he claims that's heroic). He's kept the same job the last few years as well, being a teacher at a technical university, so I know what all that entails. He's out the door by about 7:30 in the morning and doesn't get home until 5, sometimes 6. I usually have dinner almost done or ready and waiting when he walks in the door, and I'm usually the one to do dishes afterwards. We eat and watch TV for a while, sometimes he'll take a 30 minute nap while I do dishes or homework (I go to school as well, as a student), and then he gets to work grading or getting stuff ready for the next day. I've tried showering while he's asleep (he likes a clean wifey), I've tried groping, I've tried flat out saying I want it. Usually he gets annoyed with my timing in some way 'I was asleep, why not earlier' etc... My biggest issue now is that I don't really try to initiate sex anymore. I've been told 'not now' so many times, I just quit trying. I pretty much wait for the weekend when he feels he needs it and take what I can get. Sometimes I'll try to get an extra round out of him, but he gets annoyed and says that he just gave me something. He also gets mad when he DOES want something, and I'm already half asleep and don't give him any. (I work a weird schedule on the weekends) In all other aspects, he's a wonderful husband. He helps out with the cat box, he usually takes out the trash, he does the vacuuming, looks after both our cars... It's just that I feel like when we have sex is totally up to him!! I'm not exactly fit, I've always had a bit of a stomach and I'm DDD in bra size (not always a blessing). I've never thought much of my physical appearance and I've always lacked any self-confidence, but now I'm beginning to think he just doesn't find me attractive anymore. I get so angry about it and hurt that I blow up at him and that doesn't fix anything, but I don't know what else to do!! What can I do to get him to realize I feel like I pretty much wait for him to find time for me?
here is what Id do (which may or may not work for you, not worked for me-but I do think it worth it as a last ditch effort).
Butter him up, tell him you love him (give examples what you love about him), then tell him you find him extremely sexy (again give specific examples why).
Then tell him you want more sex more often. Ask if he wants more sex too, if he says yes, then ask when is a (general) good time to have sex (doesnt need to be specific, date/ time, at this point). Then tell him, when is a good time for you (I dont think its unreasonable to not want to be awaken for sex).
Scheduling when to have sex (time/ days of the week), Ive heard works well for some couples, but Ive not done this myself, and honestly I suspect it works better, if the man is wanting more sex (versus the other way around).
I would also consider reminding him, in a non-accusatory way, that you find him attractive, been approaching him for sex, but hes been rejecting you.
Remind him that youve approached him for sex in the past, and he declined. Some guys, yes, are clueless. Give example, that youve saved it up for after his nap (not wanting to bother him), or primped yourself (shower)-to make yourself more attractive.
Having said that, ugh, I hate to say this, but now that youre newly pregnant, but you may or may not be in the mood, for a while. I was not! Mostly due to hormones, tiredness, and body issues (in that order).
If body issues are a problem for you (it was to me, but not as much as the other stuff), tell him that you need to hear a compliment now and then, you may need to give examples what you do or do not want to hear .
Example of what I wanted to hear when pregnant, your belly is beautiful, Im so lucky to be having a baby with you".
Examples of what I did NOT want to hear, youre belly is huge (fat), or those stretch marks are really popping out now, ruining your belly . Last comment I heard with baby number 2...I didn't get stretch marks with my first.
Yes, my ex-h perhaps thought he was being cute, funny, maybe even motivating, saying such things. But it wasnt for me.
How can one feel sexy after that?
Best wished to you!!!
I dont think it is about you, it is about him. What's happening is that you are growing up and starting to notice things you havent noticed before. More change will come when you have a child.
" growing up" is part of being young and i see that we still keep growing well into our 40s. I think the trick is to have the right partner who will go through changes with you, stick by you and continue to love you during and after.
Hope it works out for you.