Hole......
Did she really say "little princess"? That's kind of harsh. :0/

She knew that you had a child going into your relationship, if she thought that this was going to be an issue then maybe she should have thought twice about marrying you. (Nothing against you personally!)

IMO she has a certain obligation to your child. No, she shouldn't have to be the sole disciplinarian, but she should help you with your daughter's parenting.

I used to have stepchildren. My opinion was that they should have fun when they were with us. It's important that you spend quality time with your daughter, rather than having her there for a couple of days and giving her a bunch of chores to do. I'm sure she has enough of that at home. And really, she's 13...... Most 13 year old's aren't all the responsible.
As long as she picks up after herself when she's visiting, I don't see why your wife is complaining.

In answer to your question, if she chooses to disengage, then No, she doesn't have the right to bitch about anything. And rather then spending her time bitching and being resentful of your daughter, she ought to be trying to build a good, solid, lasting relationship with her.

Just my 2 cents......

I appreciate your 2 cents. I'll even give you a nickel for it

I think its important for kids to have responsibilities. I am not against that. And in her defense she has tried and done many nice things for my kid. She still buys her cloths etc. But as I have tried to address the things she thought were bad parenting, it is still never enough. And she lashes out the only way she knows how. I know counseling is not a comfortable situation for her. Opening up and admitting you might be doing something wrong is NOT her cup of tea. But I just dont understand the fact that I try to resolve things that are bothering her and it gets worse.

I think that step daughter stepmother jealousy issues are at play here. On her part, because my "little princess" doesnt show signs of that.

Seriously.... where did the response I just wrote go????? UGH!!

Blended families are hard. And nobody likes to admit that they may be doing something wrong.

That being said, she's going to have to meet you in the middle somewhere. You're daughter is still young and she's going to be around on a regular basis for many more years.

Is there a lot of tension in the house when you're all together?

My ex and I had issues with the whole blended family thing, It wasn't so much the kids as it was their mother and the amount of child support he had to pay. If the money had actually gone to taking care of them, that would have been fine, but it was her "fun money" and we still had to buy all of their clothes and everything. But that's a whole other story. lol

How long have you been going to marriage counseling? Maybe with more sessions your wife will come around and realize that she has to make more of an effort to communicate with you?

To me these types of situations are sometimes so very difficult to work out because of all the people involved. You of course have a precious daughter that you love very much and truly want what is best for her and also want to be raised in a happy environment but also help her learn to be a responsible person and be accountable for any actions when she does not behave or does things that are not the best behavior.

You also have a new wife that has to adapt in having a child in her life and find ways to work on having a good relationship between herself and your daughter. And I am not sure how your former wife feels about the relationship between all of you either.

And then there is you. Trying to keep a happy medium between everyone without showing any favoritism to anyone but only to be fair and hope that everyone can at least get along. Lots of stuff to work through.

Your daughter is 13. Lots of hormones changes going on during those teenage years. Some will make sense some will not to both you and your wife. She can be an angel one day and total brat the next day which is perfectly normal.

I do not know your wife but i am sure there are a lot of things and feelings she also may be having that you have not mentioned. Anyway the bottom line here is that everyone can come to some mutual understanding and work through each problem through communication, compromise and trying different sets of rules. Much easier said then done.

Every situation is different for each family when it comes to relationships with step moms, stepdaughters, step fathers and so on.

In my opinion something I think a few things you might consider trying are of course continue on with counseling. I also think family counseling and individual counseling for each one of you would be helpful. Jealously is a normal reaction to have between mom and daughter and to me can bring up a lot of the behavior you are describing.

Sometimes for you being the father here I am sure feel like you are put in a situation where you feel you have to take sides and that is normal too. The big question is how you handle it and also know how to communicate with both of them in a way that is not blaming anyone specifically but to get everyone to acknowledge that the problems have to be worked out one at a time and the behavior has to change for everyone. New rules and new ways of doing things are a start.

So venting to the counselor by each of you is just the start to what I call breaking the ice. At least once everyone has had their fair chance in expressing their feelings and frustration as well as wants and needs that is when you all start to experimenting on the many different ways to becoming a better family unit. It is going to take a lot of patience and of course mistakes along the way to figure everything out.

I can only say the best way to deal with it all is to tackle one problem at a time with your wife and daughter and to me that means a whole lot talking between all of you and using the time you do have together to make it productive. Everything in moderation is usually the best effect. Knowing who is being unreasonable and who is not are never easy things to work out but they are also not impossible as long as everyone can be able to sit down face to face and really express how they are being affected.

Anyway all I can say is that it will take a lot of effort from everyone to make things better and it may take a lot of time before things can get better. Not all situations like this do work out but the best you can do is like I said tackle one problem at a time and get it solved so there are no repeats. I hope some of this advice was a bit of help to you and that in time things will improve for you all. Wishing you the very best:)

Thank you Katie

I can see the disengagement part since she may feel it's not her place to discipline your daughter. However, going off about how you are a shitty father and 'that's not how she was raised' might say a lot about her issues with her parents. I can't say for sure, but if you're a reasonable good parent and if she shows other signs of unresolved issues maybe there's something else going on. Sometimes people who were raised harshly think that's normal; I once was talking to coworkers about false abuse claims, that disciplining children was normal and one or two coworkers said "Yeah, my parents used to whip me with extension cords" like it was no big deal! And I was shocked because I was like, um, yeah, that actually IS abuse. Also, they were substance abuse counselors and it's pretty clear that their abuse affected them as they were former addicts.

I'm digressing a bit, but my point is that sometimes people's perspective of what's 'normal' can be pretty off.

Also, 13 is generally the age when adolescents sulk or are self-absorbed, right? I know I was at 13. So your daughter's behavior doesn't sound too abnormal.

I think that if your wife can't be reassured by your simply saying that you'll ask your daughter to do more, then maybe she's got some issues of her own that she is bringing to the situation.

Either that or if she truly is forced to be sort of your daughther's maid, then I could see why she would really resent that. If that's the case, and it might be, then you'll need to work on it with your daughter and let your wife know you're working on it with her.

I know my dad was not close to me and expected my mom to do all the disciplining, but in your wife's situation, she probably doesn't feel that's her role since she's not biologically her mom. Plus that kind of gender role type of parenting is sort of outdated.

To be honest zsa its not that I want my wife to believe I will ASK my daughter to improve, but we have actually DONE that. She doesnt pick up or clean up after my kid either. My kid may not wash her hands before dinner, wife syas, "did !@#$@#! wash her hands, and I ask child to do so. Stuff like that.

Thing is, she is REAL close to her father. REAL close. He's a good guy for sure. Self centered and ornary like my wife but very good to me and my kid.

But my question is, if she chooses to disengage like I described, is it right to bitch if I dont get it right in her eyes. Especially when I dont see THRU her eyes?

Well then if that's the case, then it sounds like she's being pretty unreasonable. She sounds very perfectionistic and demanding. If it's not putting her in any way, she needs to let it go. I would point blank ask her to get specific or just drop it. If she can't identify what exactly needs to be done then she needs to get a life and quit focussing on the kid if it's not directly affecting her.

Otherwise it's almost like some kind of weird triangulated communication, like if she's talking about her to you but won't talk to her? That's kind of bullshit behavior, actually. If she can't speak directly to her calmly, then she needs to shut up, I would say. Of course, easy for me to say- I'm single with no kids!

But the triangulated fighting about her in her presence sounds a bit much. Does she have a job, social life, etc? Do you think she's just got too much time and energy on her hands? Or that maybe she uses the daughter as some kind of excuse to lose her temper about nothing? The handwashing thing is pretty silly- that's so minor. It doesn't sounds like your kid is some kind of delinquent or anything. She sounds like she's overreacting a bit. Lashing out over that's kinda psycho, in my opinion.

I would tell her if she doesn't want to be involved in parenting, then to drop it altogether. Otherwise she's just being an annoying backseat driver.

I hear you on this topic...My daughter is 14. She is a good kid too. Her step mom sounds a lot like your wife. My daughter feels the tension everytime she goes over there and has since stopped going. The only time she sees her dad now is when she is with her grandma (his mom) at a family function (birthday party etc...). Her dad is not a bad guy, but he lets his wife run everything and she has a lot of jealousy towards my daughter. My daughter has cried to me about how she feels she has no place in her father's life. I am not saying it is that bad between you and your daughter yet....but please don't let it get that way. My daughter's father lives 15 miles from us and she has not been to his house in almost a year and has only seen him 4 or 5 times while with her grandparents. Around her dad, she would never show that it hurts her.

If you have made changes, you daughter has responsibilities, doesn't create more work for your wife and treats your wife with respect- then it's time for your wife to take a look at what it is that SHE is expecting of you and your daughter. Calling her princess- is out of line, and it sounds like she is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter. I am guessing your wife doesn't have children of her own?
You and your daughter's mother have to co-parent, you two decide how your child is raised and what rules apply in each home. It's your wife's home as well and she should have some say in things that happen at your house- within reason- what is it that she is wanting from your daughter? To set the table at meal time and clean up afterwards? Your wife needs to approach things with a positive attitude and it doesn't seem like she is able to do that right now. It would be best if she did step back and stay out of things. It sounds rather over the top to say "I am disengaging" not sure what she exactly means by that, is she planning to ignore your daughter completely? Sort of sounds like a bit of a temper tantrum and also like your wife is a bit controlling- wanting everything to be done her way.

I appreciate your insight Kira. I guarantee I will not stop seeing my daughter. I dont think thats what my wife wants either. She can be good to my kid, always buying her stuff. I dont think my daughter is nervous over here either. And if she said anything to my ex about possible danger here, my ex would be all over that shit.

Lianna, I agree with a lot of what you say, although the rules over here are for me and my wife, not me and my ex, to decide. I agree about the possible jealousy issues also, but trying to communicate with her can be quite volatile at times. Every time she uses derogatory words to describe my kid, it takes time before I can even look her in the eye, let alone talk to her.

Holehearted, it might just the wrong choice of words, I would ask her what exactly she means with "disengaged." Then you can go from there. I am a step mother and the kids are very spoiled, I have been married for almost two years and I can say that the first year was very crazy trying to find where my place in the kids life. I used to complaing with my husband about the boys pretty much about everything untill I realized that I was making my husband's life miserable so I stopped and decided to help him in whatever he needed help with but not to expect the boys the way I wanted him to because he can't really read my mind. So, in that sens I disengage and started enjoying the time with the boys and let my husband enjoy them when they are with us. I love those kids like they are mine so I now try to teach them things and make sure they eat well and that sort of things but I let go of trying to control how my husband interacts with them. I have to say that those boys are very loved (and also spoiled) but I enjoy that part as well now...it was a relieve for me when i finally let it go:)

Good Luck and don't let this getting in the middle between you and your wife or the kids!!

What I meant about you and your ex co-parenting is that kids need to be raised with consistency- your ex has rules at her house- you don't tell her what those should be, but your daughter is expected to follow them and the same at your house. Your ex wouldn't/shouldn't be saying "you don't have to listen to your father or his rules- you only go there to visit, and you certainly don't have to listen to his wife or do what she wants you to do" that doesn't work when it comes to raising kids. The big decisions about your daughter are made by you and your ex- like when she can get her ears pierced or start dating. Your wife can offer her opinion on these things. When your daughter is with you the three of you are a family and there's nothing wrong with the three of you sitting down and discussing rules and expectations etc. In fact it's a better idea to do it together than for your wife to tell you what she wants. Have a family meeting and talk about it. These are the chores we'd like you to do when you are here, maybe it also comes with an allowance for doing them. There also has to be respect all the way around. Your wife calling your daughter names is completely unacceptable. Talk to her and ask her how much it would hurt her if you were to call her father nasty names. It hurts when someone says bad things about those that we love, let her know it would also hurt you if your daughter was to call her nasty names- that you love your wife and wouldn't accept your daughter talking like that about her. It's never an easy thing to raise kids, but she can choose to do things the easy way or to make things harder than they have to be too.