I think it’s normal for teenagers to be moody and cranky and want to separate from their parents. Some of it might be hormonal. I think it’s ok to sit her down when she is not in one of her cranky states and just tell her directly that when she lashes out at you it’s disrespectful and hurts you and you and your husband won’t tolerate being talked to that way. I am a step mom which I understand is different from a child being your own but when the oldest was in her teens she was a real jerk. I finally said to her, hey you want to talk to your friends that way, that’s fine. But you are not talking to me that way. We still had a good relationship when she was young. She just needed my “guidance” on what was acceptable in my house.

I think that rmb is spot on..... I can remember a million years ago back to my teens and I spent so much time in my room contemplating life...smile

I think a 'talk' during a calm time is a great idea..... Big hug.....xo

Completely normal. I remember having a great childhood, that didn't stop me from being a moody teenage girl. Looking back now I can't believe what a little a*hole I was being for no reason. She'll grow out of it. What you can't do is get lost in it. I understand having your life revolve around your family but to be a healthy person you need to be emotionally healthy. Find a hobby, enjoy some alone time. Be your own person.

May I suggest that you learn to not take her behavior personally and learn that other people don't have to like you? I am the mother of 3 kids and some of them were difficult in the teen age years. Others were difficult in the college years and one is very very difficult and mean in her 30"s.

When she is saying ugly mean things to you, have a practiced sentence that you say right then. Don't wait until later when you are more upset and she doesn't remember. Call it out in a way that isn't aggressive or showing your anger. I used to say things like "ouch" or "that is mean". She will learn how to treat you by your allowing or not allowing her disrespect. She is not your friend, she needs you to be the mother. We can't look to our kids for our self esteem or to feel good about ourselves. This has to come from within. The poster is very passive and likely won't work on its own (sorry). If you and husband use it to reinforce your expectations of her behavior, it might help. You must speak up for yourself. Your husband MUST tell the daughter in a nice way that her words are unacceptable and she may not disrespect her mother. When she is disrespectful towards dad, you say the same.

Yes, you have to start to have your own interests and life. Your kids need to detach from mom and dad. For our own mental wellness and happiness, we have to let go of our codependence. People just do not respect someone who is weak or allows abuse, not even our kids. Stop over giving and over doing. I learned all this the hard way, believe me! My ex-husband would not tell my kids to be respectful to me, so they learned it was okay to be ugly and mean to me. Much later, when they were adults, I have had to attempt to retrain them as I learned to assert myself. I learned to stop needing love and validation from other people. As long as you look to this daughter to validate your need to be okay, she will control you. Learn to be okay setting strong boundaries with her because she really needs to learn how to treat other people or she will have a miserable life. Consider reading The New Codependency.

Yes there is some truth on what everyone said.I do need extra validation. It is just I love being a mom... and my children are my everything. Moreover, my relationship with my mother is not great, she was so harsh to the point of being mean.She put herself first and made herself feel better by putting others down. So I took a diffrent approach on how to raise my children.
I do have a carreer but I also would try to find a hobby or something to do so I focus a little less on the way my teen looks at me or other minor things than in the big scheme of life are not so important.

I was going to ask you if you over compensate because your stuff your parents did.

I think it’s finding that line where letting some stuff she says go because it’s just her age and then really having a heart to heart with her when it crosses a line. It’s not overbearing to teach your child how you expect to be treated. You are preparing her for when she is no longer in your house, when she has her relationships and her own children. Teach her how you expect to be treated so she can know how she should expect to be treated and how she should treat others. This is a lesson for life.

You got some really good responses to your post and I echo the boundaries. It is never good to let anyone treat you disrespectfully especially family. Parents should draw the line clearly and model respect for their children. My children only had rooms of their own until their siblings came along. They had chores and were a part of the family and all that the family did including mealtimes together and family discussions. I really can’t say this was much of a problem for us but my son handles this in a manner that seems to work well for his family. His children are allowed a minimum of time alone in their rooms. The family sits down to eat, plays game, works on projects etc. Whenever we go over the kids may be in their rooms but they are called to come out and treat their grandparents with respect. They use this to teach social skills also. Family meetings are also a good family thing. When my children were growing up ours were very informal and usually came about naturally after meals and as everyone was stalling on cleanup. I am praying for you and your family. God bless you. You sound like a great parent.