Well what if you go on a few more dates with this woman... get to know each other better, and then save the sex for later, or until she is ready?
I think you can be in a relationship without sex, but of course eventually you will want it!

It's up to you if you want to wait for her.

Thanks, jayden. I tried that but she said she has some "issues" with her own body. With respect to her privacy, I won't mention them. Maybe she was just trying to turn me off, but she really WASN'T doing a very good job of "selling herself". I think this one is just a friend, if that. I had a problem dealing with her mood swings throughout the course of the meal anyway, which never really elevated between tears and anger. I think I made her laugh once or twice...

True, that was a bad thing for me to say, but I felt the need to be truthful, rather than have her get her hopes up and then, a few months down the road, her finally becoming the person she wants to be and then seeing me with someone else-!

Honestly, I don't think this girl is going to get herself together. She seems to like hurting and being the victim, in which case, I really don't want to be even friends with her at this point (it makes me angry). And, no--she hasn't spoken to me since, to which I'm almost relieved. I was just getting this out there in a general philosophical sense. The next one I won't mention "another" to if I'm interested in her. Thank you all for your comments.

If you two are just friends, there should be no problem if you find someone else to date- whatever dating entails for you sex or no sex. You said yourself that you see this one as "just a friend" meaning that when you two share a meal or catch a movie or whatever, you don't look at it as a date. It's more of a hang out. A good friend wouldn't get upset if you had others in your life, friend or sexual partner or girlfriend.

Koolman, usually I agree with you, but on this one, I have to side with BobbyJ. The way this is written, you're on your first date with her, deciding if there is a connection and she says "not ready for sex." Now, instead of being cool with her boundaries right now, you issue an ultimatum of sorts...if you don't with me, then I'm just letting you know I'll continue to look elsewhere. I do believe in honesty not necessarily "full disclosure" so early on. This friendship is in its infancy stages. Neither of you are at a commitment stage, so why even bring it up?

To answer your philosophical question, I don't think it's a full-on relationship until you both say it is. Most often that's at the "I love you" stage, or close to it. I know plenty of people who have sex and aren't in a committed relationship. (BTW, is she still talking to you? LOL!)

kristi: This is where I'm confused too. She's "just a friend" TO ME. But when she says "it would hurt if you moved onto someone else", am I just a friend TO HER?

hope: Agree to disagree, I don't consider what I said an ultimatum of any kind. I did respect her boundaries. AND I explained my own wishes.

There's no sense in embarking on a "relationship" where neither one of us is really feeling the way we want to feel (we're better off alone), where I'm feeling suffocated and she's feeling unsure. And, like I said, in our brief meal, I didn't really feel like we gelled very well anyway (on SOOO many different levels), so, frankly, I don't care if she ever calls me again.

my thought on this, is that a relationship is not *supposed* to be based on sex...sex is a "bonus" if you will...because when you take the sexual part out of a relationship what do you have left?? There should be many many things left.

so to say you would continue to search for another...tells her that she isn't worth waiting for....regardless of what her issues are...

my .02

kristin: If you'd met this woman, you'd know what I'm talking about. I think a relationship on ANY level is a moot point with this one. I'm generally a happy-go-lucky guy...I have my moments of depression but I choose to exercise, get out and interact with people socially. She has a knee problem that isn't accepting any form of treatment, is severely depressed all the time, some other issues that I'd rather not go into out of respect for her wishes that the stuff remain confidential, and I don't see myself being happy in her. So I guess I was sex as a way to put some pleasure into the equation to make the pain and emotional torment worth the ride. Devoid of sex, the relationship sucks.

I'd like to add that I felt like absolute crap after we went out...told me everything I need to know...no repeat performance for me.

I have known this woman in bits and pieces socially for about a year now, but this was the first time I ever really had a long conversation with her and really got into her psyche, which, from what she told me, was only a glimpse into the hell of her existence.

OK, I'm going to ride against the group. I think it's a good thing to be clear with someone about your intentions. I don't like to guess about where / what the relationship is. and, for me personally-for me to be in a "full-on" relationship I would expect him to put out! If I am ready for a committed relationship, I'm ready for sex-but that's just me. Don't stone me. I'm not shallow!!

you know, koolman, you bring up a VERY interesting point! What you felt like after the "friendly date" is huge!

and OMG after reading your responses to others' posts, I would have to say....carry on....that feeling in your gut is what led you to be so upfront about continuing in your search....

good luck with that

It takes two of you to agree what is appropriate behavior given your situation.

I say I am not in an exclusive relationship till we both agree we are.

You can be polite, but stay firm. If you are intersted in sex and she is not, well ... she has to make a decision. And if she has to say no, then it is what it is. She doesn't get to have unilateral say over what you do.

I would say just continue to be honest, and that you have needs you need to manage.

use porn as an outlet till she is ready

Thanks, all, especially aloneinutah-! Yes, my personal value system is a man and a woman are not really in a "relationship" until we're having sex. Otherwise, it's just a friendship, and neither one of us should be "hurt" or "offended" if we "hook up" with another. And, no, I don't think this is shallow, merely a fulfillment of some of our own innately animal human nature. But, from the responses to this post, everyone has a different value system, and that's fine.

And, as I said, spending a lot of time with this woman will taint my attitude negatively towards other women in general (thank God you're not all severely depressed), killing my mojo and desire to be with ANYONE, so, yes, better off that we went our separate ways.

Koolman- I don't see anything wrong with your value system. Heck, I'm someone who is criticized for thinking that a relationship needs to be established between both people. IE a conversation needs to happen in which both people are on the same terms. To me, sex doesn't matter because it's very possible to have sex with somebody that you are not in a relationship with (or just friends or something).

No offence, but this woman sounds like sort of a nut. Even if it wasn't just a friendly date, you went out once. Everyone knows (or should know) that going out on one date doesn't make you in a relationship with that person. If you've been out a few times, more than just once or twice, then I can see how someone could misunderstand and think that they are dating. But once and she thinks you are going to never see other people again? WOW.