Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I started thinking about this on the way home, and hope I can find a way to phrase it correctly. I'm curious how couples handle different approaches to self improvement (for lack of a better term) and/or work on the relationship.
In general, I find that many men I know, boyfriends, dad, friends' husbands deal (and sometimes don't deal) with life as it comes. They don't seem have an interest in rooting out past pain that might be affecting them, discovering patterns in behavior, taking the time to self reflect or meditate. I'm sure there are women out there who do the same, just the men in my life have given me more examples. As someone who has gone to therapy as needed off and on over the years, and spent a lot of time on personal analysis, I'm always surprised when people don't avail themselves of those types of opportunities. For instance, I'm a recent fan of Pema Chodron. I find her teachings can speak to almost anyone. Her writing on fear can be applied to almost every challenge in life, as it's often fear that causes anger, pain, loneliness, etc.
It hit close to home recently, when I wanted to seek couples counseling for my struggling relationship. It was so frustrating to know there was a potential solution, but have my boyfriend refuse. I see it in my friend's marriage too. She is someone who is constantly seeking healing, and is currently in 12 steps. And her husband, who has experienced trauma and pain and says he is unhappy, will not seek help, or even read books to try on his own.
While sometimes very painful, I find doing work to discover and/or heal, and have a happier outlook to be very rewarding. I get it's easier to not deal with things, and that's why most people don't... that's the obvious and simple answer. But as we get older, and life doesn't get easier, doesn't it also become obvious that life is going to be painful anyway - why not suck it up and endure a little discomfort in order to see your patterns and find a path to a happier life? I know it's not a silver bullet. I forget what I learned all the time. But when I do remember and apply it, life is sweeter. If patterns of negative thoughts/behavior can become habit, they can be undone, and also replaced with positive ones. Our minds are so powerful.
I guess I have two questions:
Any opinions on why people wouldn't want to spend time on something that will almost inevitably improve their life?
What do couples do when they are on two different plains in regard to this?
In general, I find that many men I know, boyfriends, dad, friends' husbands deal (and sometimes don't deal) with life as it comes. They don't seem have an interest in rooting out past pain that might be affecting them, discovering patterns in behavior, taking the time to self reflect or meditate. I'm sure there are women out there who do the same, just the men in my life have given me more examples. As someone who has gone to therapy as needed off and on over the years, and spent a lot of time on personal analysis, I'm always surprised when people don't avail themselves of those types of opportunities. For instance, I'm a recent fan of Pema Chodron. I find her teachings can speak to almost anyone. Her writing on fear can be applied to almost every challenge in life, as it's often fear that causes anger, pain, loneliness, etc.
It hit close to home recently, when I wanted to seek couples counseling for my struggling relationship. It was so frustrating to know there was a potential solution, but have my boyfriend refuse. I see it in my friend's marriage too. She is someone who is constantly seeking healing, and is currently in 12 steps. And her husband, who has experienced trauma and pain and says he is unhappy, will not seek help, or even read books to try on his own.
While sometimes very painful, I find doing work to discover and/or heal, and have a happier outlook to be very rewarding. I get it's easier to not deal with things, and that's why most people don't... that's the obvious and simple answer. But as we get older, and life doesn't get easier, doesn't it also become obvious that life is going to be painful anyway - why not suck it up and endure a little discomfort in order to see your patterns and find a path to a happier life? I know it's not a silver bullet. I forget what I learned all the time. But when I do remember and apply it, life is sweeter. If patterns of negative thoughts/behavior can become habit, they can be undone, and also replaced with positive ones. Our minds are so powerful.
I guess I have two questions:
Any opinions on why people wouldn't want to spend time on something that will almost inevitably improve their life?
What do couples do when they are on two different plains in regard to this?
Do we live for ourselves and be the best for others we can be, or do we try to get others to see things the way we do?
If someone is resistant to an idea or concept, pushing it usually stiffens their resolve. It probably creates frustration for the pusher too! ;-)
Ego and identity preservation is a likely theory
I know a couple of guys went for it but their wives refused. I think this was some exception, I have noticed that usually is the other way around.
I guess we'd rather pretend the big battle is external, not internal. Blame is better to give than receive.
I also see that it is mostly men who refuse to do this.
I guess they have bigger egos then women do.
Men are commonly brainwashed into thinking that being a "MAN" means no crying, no vulnerability, no weakness. Its just not manly. Many women feel similarly, that showing weakness is a symbol of failure.
Its a bunch of crap.
In the past year, I've really absorbed the concept of fear being behind most negative reactions or feelings... fear of failure, judgment, loneliness, anger, unknown... etc etc. I feel like so much opens up once that is grasped, and managed by being in the now.
I guess it's like taking fish oil... once you realize how good for you and relatively painless it is, you want everyone to try :)
But I was also curious to hear from couples who were maybe successful in getting through things, despite different approaches.
In retrospect, my dad and big brother were insecure. They needed approval and validation...from me. That's weird. I thought it would be the other way around.
And the refusal to go to counseling is a straight up control game. It is passive-aggressive behavior at its finest. He knows you can never "make" him go, so he says no. That gives him a permanent position of power. In the realm of possibility, if he were going to therapy someone could forcibly stop him. And by "stop" I mean physically prevent him from going. And yes, some men consider whether or not someone can physically stop them from doing something when they think about making decisions. It's a control thing.
And maybe...just maybe...he says no to therapy because no means no and he does not want to talk about it or he is afraid you will try to come at him from different angles and try over and over to convince him. He may imagine if he does not say no, he will be harassed until he finally goes to therapy.
One, is the way women and men brains are wired differently. I'm reading What Women Want Men To Really Know. I don't typically relate to these types of relationship books, but this book is so very true. I see communication as a big key. Anyways, the book can explain your question.
Two, there is the Ego and living in the present and being mindful.
Being able to communicate so the other person Really knows what you are asking/wanting is the key.
That most of the people who where self aware in my life had been men.
I have to wonder if it is whom we attract in the opposite sex.. or possibly that the importance of it to us is um... bigger? losing my words here. Because the opposite sex is a potential love interest, or in the case of family, the archetypes for future love interests.. or the model we base our relationships on.
I think, for men that buy into gender stereotypes.. .and I have little but pity for them, poor silly, stupid men....anyhow.... We are taught by mass media in general that we are supposed to be without emotion. These stoic silent pillars of strength. it is terribly unhealthy.
For women, I see a somewhat similar thing happening, where society seems to teach them that they are victims... and therefore they get stuck in a victim mentality, unable to take ownership of their own lives.
Opposites, in many ways, but with the same inevitable outcome.
Thankfully, I have never given a s**t about what the world thinks I should be.