Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi guys any help would be appreciated. Sorry if this going to be longgggg rant.
Just a little background. I'm from a regular well adjusted family and somewhat conservative, I'm easy going and very chill unless provoked. Which is when the floodgates flow. I'm into geek culture (video games and such) but I am also in the fashion business. I am active during the day and I am very pro life but I do love the occasional hedonistic late night parties and hard drinking.
My girlfriend, Rainier, is from a broken family, with former gangster connections (she's clean tho). She's very level headed and rational thinking but also very hot tempered and can be rather disconnected at times. My girl on the other hand spends her idle hours, lazing around when she is not at work (at a rather stressful corporate environment) and she drinks every other day at the local bar.
She's a night owl and I'm solar powered.
We are both about as different as night and day but we both love each other but recently my girl expressed that her feelings are waning because she feels our differences will catch up and in the end will tear us apart. I totally understand her concern and I have reassured her through actions and words that we will overcome this through communication and compromise. And usually she would be ok after we have a chat but not this time.
So here is what my side of what I think, I feel she is looking at things rather negatively and self prophesying bad things that hasn't happened. At present our relationship has been good and loving with some minor couple hiccups. She told me she would rather we just stay friends so that we won't have to face a rather dramatic break up but I feel she is looking at things too negatively and fearing about our differences.
I know partly she is doing this because she loves me and she knows I am compromising a lot to fit into her lifestyle and she is sensitive to see that I am tired. I have no complains about this I am more then happy to accommodate her. She does also her part whenever she is at my family home and is generally well behaved around my conservative family. She is not a difficult person to love but she is very stubborn and has repeatedly asserted that our relationship is doomed.
I don't know how else to convince her that we will be ok so long as we stay the way we are now which is to learn about each other, communicate and compromise. As I am typing this I have taken the liberty to give her space and time to think.
I want to fight for this but I know once her mind is set on something its irreversible.
Also considering other factors, her best friend has been telling me her mood swings are bad lately this is partly due to the difficult hours she has to work in her new job.
Help what can I do?
Just a little background. I'm from a regular well adjusted family and somewhat conservative, I'm easy going and very chill unless provoked. Which is when the floodgates flow. I'm into geek culture (video games and such) but I am also in the fashion business. I am active during the day and I am very pro life but I do love the occasional hedonistic late night parties and hard drinking.
My girlfriend, Rainier, is from a broken family, with former gangster connections (she's clean tho). She's very level headed and rational thinking but also very hot tempered and can be rather disconnected at times. My girl on the other hand spends her idle hours, lazing around when she is not at work (at a rather stressful corporate environment) and she drinks every other day at the local bar.
She's a night owl and I'm solar powered.
We are both about as different as night and day but we both love each other but recently my girl expressed that her feelings are waning because she feels our differences will catch up and in the end will tear us apart. I totally understand her concern and I have reassured her through actions and words that we will overcome this through communication and compromise. And usually she would be ok after we have a chat but not this time.
So here is what my side of what I think, I feel she is looking at things rather negatively and self prophesying bad things that hasn't happened. At present our relationship has been good and loving with some minor couple hiccups. She told me she would rather we just stay friends so that we won't have to face a rather dramatic break up but I feel she is looking at things too negatively and fearing about our differences.
I know partly she is doing this because she loves me and she knows I am compromising a lot to fit into her lifestyle and she is sensitive to see that I am tired. I have no complains about this I am more then happy to accommodate her. She does also her part whenever she is at my family home and is generally well behaved around my conservative family. She is not a difficult person to love but she is very stubborn and has repeatedly asserted that our relationship is doomed.
I don't know how else to convince her that we will be ok so long as we stay the way we are now which is to learn about each other, communicate and compromise. As I am typing this I have taken the liberty to give her space and time to think.
I want to fight for this but I know once her mind is set on something its irreversible.
Also considering other factors, her best friend has been telling me her mood swings are bad lately this is partly due to the difficult hours she has to work in her new job.
Help what can I do?
You say you are from a well adjusted conservative family and you're easy going and very chill, but that when provoked, the floodgates open. This tells me that as long as you're not provoked, you're chilled, but if you are provoked, look out!
That is something to be concerned with for someone like her, who comes from a broken family, as they usually want to be with someone who does not lose their temper when there is conflict.
She seems to be pushing you away gently, and you seem to be doing whatever you can to keep her around. She may be trying to let you off easy by saying you could be friends.
Have a conversation with her and listen to what she says. Don't interject your solutions and accommodations to her every concern.
@betrayed Ok I meant to say its takes a really hard and long knock to get my provoked but this issue is very worrying and I usually can't hold back my tears which annoys her cos she hates seeing people cry.
I have already had a good conversation with her and she is very fixated on the idea that we will not make it as a couple as she thinks our differences are too jarring.
Introspective, I think it could be her who is unwilling to change her lifestyle to accommodate mine even tho I have no complains but whose to say right?
Update: I just texted her that perhaps me and her should just not talk and give each other space for the next few days and she said ok.
In her defense, she can't stand seeing people cry only because she doesn't know what to do to rectify the situation
The last time i remember you were starting to date some business girl again, is it this girl or a different girl?
I feel like when someone tells you these things, it is like they are trying to back out of the relationship. At least it has been my experience.
Idk if i could handle someone thinking this way and still be a team with me. Of course, alcohol is a downer, so i am not surprised she is feeling down. Maybe the frequent drinking is a problem?
She sounds like she's not into it right now, but wants to keep you while she figures out what her next move is.
I don't particularly enjoy seeing people cry (I imagine most people don't) but I wouldn't NOT allow someone to cry and express their emotions if that is how they are feeling.
She's clearly got a lot on her plate with work, in which case, yes, space is what she needs. Give her necessary space so she can assess whether she is even indeed relationship material, with anyone, at this point. Whatever she decides is OK, and you'll live either way.
To add more details, lately its been hard having conversations with her sometimes at social events. Like I would say something and she just acknowledge that I said something but nothing further than that to add to the conversation.
Or whenever I go out to meet her, she would be silent and looking at her phone. I believe this problem is caused by our different history and background. We hang out mostly with her friends and most of the time they would talk about things in their local dialect which I have a hard time understanding or they would be talking about topics related to their on inside circle. This gives me trouble trying to get into the conversations and I don't wish to appear anti social.
I get the feeling she senses this disparity too as the things I get excited to talk about are usually fashion or geek culture related. And on a final point, I do try to suggest that me and her do couple activities together so that we can have some commonality. However she doesn't seem to want to do these things with me.
Whatever you do, I wish you peace and strength...