Hi All!

I was hoping to get some feedback on a problem that has been (and is currently) keeping me up at night. First, some background:

I like to keep an active presence on twitter. I thought it was benign; I'd follow some celebrities, tweet funny things. Then one day, around this time last year, not only did I get a tweet back from one of these celebrities that I followed, but a flirty direct (private) message as well. I couldn't believe it. This actor/comedian who I had been a fan of for years wanted to talk to me. He was kind, smart, funny, and respectful. He didn't push anything on me and we went and got drinks. When I began reciprocating and pushing the flirtation, he made his intentions obvious. He was in a relationship with a live-in girlfriend. He had no plans to leave her, but their sex life had stalled and he was looking for something on the side. Despite my better judgment (my parent's marriage was broken up due to infidelity--no kids involved in this situation, thankfully) I decided to go ahead with it. Wow, what a rush! Looking back, it was obviously a self esteem thing. I felt powerful by having sex with someone who is perceived as powerful by the public. We would meet up about every other week. We also talked a few times a week and I was just taken by his charisma. After about 4 months, I emotionally couldn't take it anymore and I broke it off. He did exactly what I (subconsciously) wanted him to do. He became very upset, came to my home, and talked it out with me, showing me he cared and that I was important. We never had sex again, but with sex off the table, we actually became closer. He told me a lot about his life--past, present, and future. It was definitely not as rosy as the media would have you believe. I became his main confidant, his "go to" person in the time of crises. He consistently told me how special I was, how much I meant to him, how smart and beautiful I am, everything you want to hear from the man you are falling in love with. He was actually more affectionate when we were on a friends basis. We still met up for lunch every other week, no sex involved. After another 4 months of confusion and frustration from all of this (4 months seems to be my breaking point, obviously) I expressed to him that I needed a little distance to sort out my feelings. His response, as opposed to the previous time, was cold and uncaring. I became angry and said some choice words (no threats or anything psychotic, but I definitely got my point across.) I kick myself for that moment every day. He basically became a ghost. I never heard from him again. Despite my apologies and pleas, he was gone.

It's been (you guessed it!) 4 months and I am still kicking myself and feeling as depressed as ever. While I have dealt with a break up before, this is on another total different level. I know exactly what it means when people say they feel "haunted" by a past relationship. He creeps up when I least expect him to, either on television or on the radio. Light conversation with others about entertainment has the potential of becoming triggering if someone innocently talks about him or his projects. My mind strays to him often. I wake up from nightmares about him. I recognize my own fault in all of this. It was extremely dumb to get involved in a situation that was doomed from the start. I can't ever say he was dishonest, because he told me from day 1 what all of this was. I was also impulsive for ending things the way I did.

So, my question: Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do about battling my depression over this? I will be honest, I have a psychiatrist but she hasn't been the best. I feel she is very judgmental of the situation, and I don't need extra judgment on top of the pile I am already giving myself. I feel better just sharing about it on here :) Hope this wasn't too long and too boring!