Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
(Part 1: Denying Jealousy)
Dear all I am new here or rather I've been here for awhile but mostly lurking. To get straight to the point. My partner (let's just call her Ally) and I have a great relationship, she has many qualities that I seek in a life partner. However there is a large issue that always seems to hit a sore point in our relationship. I suspect or rather I strongly feel that she is somehow jealous of my ex girlfriends or people I have dated in the past.
In the early parts of my relationship, Ally would often ask me about my past relationships and I would be open to tell her about the girls I dated before. Some of my exes were pretty nasty and I would explain why I dated them. I would also reassure her that I am no longer in love or in touch with these women. I only want her and that's that. However things got really uncomfortable when Ally started digging into my exes Facebook profiles and making very nasty comments about them. Now I have no problem with her saying bad things about them as it was true that some of them are really bad to me. What made me super uneasy was that Ally spends alot of her free time look into what my exes were doing and dissecting their photos and telling me how toxic they were. Soon my conversations with Ally were half the time about tearing down my exes. I have expressed a huge concern about her behaviour because it has gone beyond trash talking but like a strange obessesion. I have left my past behind and would just like to leave it there but she keeps talking and talking about what my exes are doing all the time.
So finally I couldn't take it I told her that she was really jealous of them and she shouldn't have to because I don't think of them nor do I miss them, want to get back together with them...etc That sent her to a flying rage of denial or at least that is what I think it is. She explained to me that she only trash talk about my exes because she enjoys it and its just entertainment (her exact words). However I cannot shake off the feeling that its more then just frivolous trash talking gossip and that she is really jealous.
1. She talks about my exes daily (its been a year)
2. She goes to their facebook and analyzes their photos and tell me that they have bad vibes.
When I tell her why I am uncomfortable with her jealous behaviour she says I am defending my exes. I say this again I do agree with her that some of my exes were really really terrible people. So my question is am I right to think that she is jealous. And if she is, how can I make her not feel jealous besides reassuring her alot.
(Part 2: Being Threatened)
Sorry that this is such a long thread of text. So 3 days ago Ally was at it again, about a certain girl I dated before. She had been going on and on about this girl the entire day on text messaging and when Ally and I met up for dinner the same night she was still talking about that girl. She pulled up a photo of that girl and started dissecting photo and saying how evil and nasty this girl was. Btw I only went out one date with this girl and nothing happened because the girl wasn't someone of a good character. With that said, the photo Ally was analyzing, I could have said this better but I told her 'Ally, look I know you already don't like her but to me this is just normal photo of that girl and her colleagues'.
Ally immediately flew to a rage, this would not be the first time she got upset when I disagree about a minor thing about the exes/former dates. In fact she gets upset with me every 2 or 3 weeks (I kept a diary of things) . She shouted at me to leave her as I was running after her to explain things. So i left, minutes later she called me up and said she wanted to meet. I wasn't sure if I should as it would be hard to talk through her anger and my tears. In summary she told me on the phone either I meet her that night and we talk things out or we break up and she will do something that would humiliate me.
She has publicly humiliated me once last year when I called her out on her jealousy. I've forgiven and tried to move on since, but it hasn't been easy as the humiliation was seen by many friends and even some colleagues.
Eventually I decided I should just turn back and talk to her. She apologised profusely about her behaviour and about threatening me but still she denied about being jealous. Normally I would have accepted the apology and moved on as with other times. However this time as much as I love her, my feelings prevented me from accepting her apology. I don't know if I was being too sensative, but you know the moment when you look into someone's eyes and tho their mouth say sorry their eyes are fiercely indignant. Perhaps she was really sorry...
(Part 3) Final Thoughts.
So this morning, she texted me that she loves me and that perhaps she hasn't been mindful of her behaviour and that perhaps it would be best if both her and I took a break from each other. I told her I love her too and also that her frightful temper and threat was seriously undermining my trust in her not to ever lose her temper and threaten me again.
I am now at a crossroad on whether to walk away or stay and make it work. To her credit, she really has been very kind and caring towards me for the most part of the relationship. I'd say 65% good and 35% bad. The 35% being the once or twice a month sudden blow up about some ex of mine.
Thank you so much for reading. Any advice would be great.
P.S I'm lesbian btw just in case cos i think most of the participants in this group is straight.
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Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day. Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day! Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know." :D
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Woke up feeling very emotional and about to clock in at my place of employment. And can't place it all in writing but not been a good experience with my store manager or his boss. Defamation of my character is a concern. I've been losing appetite and weight. Trying to perform at work to keep myself from hospitalization as a result of toxic masculinity.
Jealousy and concern over a partners past relationships is such a turn off, but outside of that, discussing past partners in detail with each other doesn't serve much purpose, really.
I m glad you posted... while there are differences between gay and straight relationships, I think when it comes down to basic human nature and doing right and wrong , it doesn't matter what the genders are.
So... the girl. Her behaviour is not normal. Moreover, I think it is something like a bad case of OCD.
Here is why I think she "loves" you in a very cruel and twisted way:
1. Although these women were not good for you, they are still a part of your past and and some point you had feelings for them. It is extremely nasty, selfish, inappropriate .. I can go on and on.. to continuously insult people who meant something to you at one point and she has no consideration for that.
2. She is not allowing you to move on in your own mind. She makes you relive these people over and over. Again, no consideration for your feelings.
3. She is getting off on making herself look better over them instead of putting her energy into thinking how she can make YOU feel better being her partner.
Generally a person who truly loves the other has a mission : empower that loved person , care for her/him sexually satisfy her. This behavior is not empowering to you in any way and I hate to throw out psycho babble, I m not a certified counselor to diagnose personality disorders, but her actions resemble those of a narcissist.
4. " I love you are only words"
If you do not feel loved in this relationship, you probably aren't no matter what she says. You strike me as an analytical and logical person, so I trust that you have a definit answer on how you feel.
5. It appears to me that this girl endured some serious psychological trauma, likely childhood abuse and neglect. There is no magic pill that can solve this only
Years of therapy. Do you lover her enough to stick through this process if she even admits she has a problem?
5. I would encourage you to re-evaluate your own boundaries. You are enabling her behavior by allowing her to keep doing what she is doing. If she doesn't get the verbal warning when you say : " I don't like this, you have to stop", then you have to show her that her actions have consequences. I think you would have to pick the method of how to do it - like.. not see her for a few days or say - please don't call me anymore today. I am upset and need time alone. Whatever you think is best.
Anyway... I am really sorry this is happening...it sounds like SHE is going to become the toxic ex she is always talking about unless she gets help... even so, I am worried that counseling may not teach her how to be a considerate person. I am a true believer that empathy is something we learn in infancy.
Hugs
For a moment I was starting to doubt myself. Because she kept saying that she only digs into my exes for entertainment. I too found it totally bizarre.
As I've said. I'm at a crossroad, on one hand I truly see her as someone I would like to spend my life with and I could see it. She does many things for me like pushing and encouraging me to be a better person. We normally laugh alot together and enjoy each others company very much.
I don't mean to paint her as a villain, so here is a bit of background. She is under a tremendous amount of pressure now to provide for her son and parents. And she hasn't been sleeping much. Perhaps this is also one of the main reason she gets snappy and angry so easily. What I don't get is why she would want to spend all that little energy in her spare time to look at what exes are up to. :/
As for me, I'm not getting any younger and feel more and more jaded with each relationship I've been in. I have been faithful and loyal with no history of cheating or misbehaviour. In fact you could say I'm fairly boring.
I feel like if it doesn't work out with Ally, I should give up on romance altogether.
My husband has type 1 diabetes and his moods are all over the map and he can get really hostile and angry, quickly. It's not pleasant and while I know it's his illness that causes this most times, sometimes I don't care what the reason is, it is not cool. We've had many discussions about this over the years and he does try harder to keep it together. Sometimes, he can't because it's a blood sugar thing that is not resolving and so he really can't help it. I choose to put up with it, but it will suck me dry sometimes. So if you can live with the occasional outbursts, snippy comments and anger, and you don't feel like it's costing you too much emotionally, that's ok.
For me, I'd have a harder time with the obsessing over my past and my exes. Like you, I don't really get that. I mean, there's no real rational reason a normal person should be doing that. It's kind of effed up, kind of creepy and a little ugly.
What worries me is that - imagine if for some reason she decides that she needs to investigate YOU. Can you imagine what she is capable of? This would scare me.
As far as failed relationships - I hear you... mine have all failed. Last one - I was engaged and I had to go. Also thought I should be alone but now I have an amazing person in my life.
I hope you can work things out with your girl. She has to stop this craziness. No excuses. We are all stressed. We all have shit to deal with. No reason to act this way.
If she truly loves you, she will work on the with you.
Hugs and I hope all goes well
She's obviously not the right person 4 u so i suggest you find some really nice girl and she treats you like you derserve to be treated U R BEAUTIFUL
What you think is jealousy is just the facade for what is really going on. She's judging you and what she believes to be your poor choice in women for a partner, and it will rear it's ugly head eventually, if it already hasn't, in the form of putting you down and asserting control.
I understand that she's under a lot of pressure at home, but you had nothing to do with creating any part of that. I understand that she is not sleeping enough, and this is quite dangerous and reckless over a prolonged period of time, but it doesn't excuse her peculiar behaviour. In fact, it simply magnifies who she really is, because when you don't get enough sleep, you're raw, and all your worst insecurities surface.
She sounds like a highly strung and intense individual, who believes a bunch of nonsense that she's carried around for probably the majority of her life. The fact that she's placing any amount of time or attention on your ex girlfriends is a huge red flag, and will only lead to the demise of your relationship.
I would take her up on her offer, and get enough distance between you that she eventually phases right out of your life.
Something else I'd like to mention. If there is any truth to the fact that you have made numerous poor past choices in girlfriends, perhaps that is something to consider, why a nice person like you is dating and becoming involved with people like that.
Wishing you well.
I think she sounds 'histrionic' and I would probably walk away.... Be safe.... big hug.....xo