Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Confused....

Pumpkinseed
Pumpkinseed

My husband and I are in marriage counseling and I don' think it' helping... 


He is an alcoholic and is a week clean, which is good, but so much has happened that I just resent him. His way of thinking is opposite of mine. We can't agree on major life choices and decisions. My morals aren't his. His believes aren' mine. I tell him that we should live separately for awhile, but he says no. He makes it feel like it's a pride thing that he doesn't want a 2nd failed marriage or be a weekend dad. I don' trust him for lots of reasons and he takes a lot of meds and can not watch my daughter over night. So it seems like an all or nothing kind of thing. I have read up on narcissism and anti personality disorders, he fits in to this category so much,  but I don' know if or how I would be able to tell what the hell is going on. Is he or is he just broken from his up bringing. Do I just say screw it or do I try and work it out. I don' want to be involved in anything illegal or borderline illegal, and he doesn' seem to have a problem skating the law... I just need answers and lots of help...


Cora_Belle
Cora_Belle
How can you find the commonalities necessary for a successful relationship when you can't agree on anything?

One side must concede to the other in order to make a go of it. Are you willing to concede your morals and beliefs to accommodate his lifestyle?
arfie
arfie
My husband and I frequently live separately. To us, family is bigger than a common street address, but then. . . I am born wanderer. I feel most at home on the road.

I'm the "Identified Patient" in my 38 year marriage, but I'm not in the marriage alone. It's been a rough ride for everybody involved and. . . I'm not at all sure the marriage could have survived without our separation time. Hubs may have been "Perfectly Normal" before he tied up with me, but living with mental illness put a few chinks in his "Perfectly Normal."

As you said, "My morals aren't his. His believes aren't mine." Backing off and taking time for individual lifework has helped my own hubs and I find better ways to balance the diffs between us.

But that is me. . .

Keep sorting, Pumpkin. Your own answers are in there. You are not alone.
patti22
patti22
Have you considered Al-Anon just to help you work out some of the issues?
Misred
Misred
Ditto Al-Anon. They were a great help to me while I was married to an alcoholic. I totally get what you mean when you wrote too much has happened. Are you in individual therapy?
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I also think Al anon is great for the families of alcoholics

You wrote you don't trust him to watch 'your daughter' .... Is this both of your daughter?

I think it will take him some time to be clean and sober before any other diagnosis could be made IMHO

Addiction is so painful for the whole family...... I wish you both well in what ever you decide......

If he truly works on his sobriety he can become a very different person

Big hug.....xo
snflwrgrl
snflwrgrl
I commend you!! and your husband for going to counseling. I am sorry you don’t feel like it is working. :’( My husband and I talked to a pastor and we saw a very wise Christian counselor. Not all counselors are the same so make sure you have one who is giving you good, sound advice and is helping. It takes time but trust can be rebuilt. :) Have you considered Celebrate Recovery? I encourage you to look for one in your area. Don’t lose hope!! Your family is worth it. <3 I will be praying for you and for your husband. Please keep us posted and thank you for sharing your story..
finallyawakenow
finallyawakenow
Hi. I noticed your post and I agree with suncloud. I have been sober for six months and I do feel like a different person. I feel so free and confident I know I will Never have a drink again. The growing trust from my wife has opened my heart even more. I started drinking after her affair a decade ago and it has kept me from dealing with the pain. Now that I am forgiving us both, I feel that we may have a chance to reconnect and heal the distance between us. Good luck. Ps. He has to do it for himself but also, for me, say; do I want a drink or a healthy relationship with myself and my wife? That made my choice easy. Because it IS that serious.
Pumpkinseed
Pumpkinseed
What are you suppose to do if your husband has a prescription for anxiety but lost it due to his drinking, so now he is "developing a plan b" or something ,just incase his doctor doesn't prescribe it again. So he is looking and communicating online for it or analogs similar?? Just let him? I try and tell him that this seems dangerous, but he won't listen to me...
jojored
jojored
I haven't dealt with addictions but as was mentioned above, it seems you need to step back from his actions and join Alanon. This is his fight, you can't win it for him.
finallyawakenow
finallyawakenow
Is it darkly ironic that the stress you mentioned is over anxiety meds. This should be a clue that the problem seems bigger than a little bottle. Real relief, for me, from my anxiety is a walk, a cup of tea, or a good book to relax. Although when I quit my vices, I decided not to add any. I know meds. are necessary for some, but an addiction for others. I hope he can look deeper inside to discover his own truth. You take care of you. Remember that alcohol is the loneliest drug, and that’s how it affects those around.
hisanity
hisanity
You said you are concerned for his mental health. Is he seeking any counseling individually? And if he were to do invidivual counseling outside of your marriage counseling, would you be willing to work on this relationship? As a parent, you do have to take in account of how it will affect the children. Its good that youre sorting out your emotions and thoughts. If you were to wake tomorrow and things were different...what would that look like for you? for your family?
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