Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have posted on this topic before. My husband and his mom own a business together; which I finally quit working in (she has become very cruel to me since I quit and "ruined" the perfect family business; yet it is super unfair to my husband and she gives him no respect or credit which I couldn't take anymore). I have whined previously on daily strength about spending so much holiday time at her house. We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas day,the day after Christmas, and New Year's Eve with her at her house. I followed previous suggestions people from daily strength gave me about spending holidays with her because it's all about family. While I don't agree with this, I tried it. It has only made my life worse. My mother-in-law is more demanding than ever (she threw a fit when my daughter had to go to Denver for occupational and speech therapy and I took a high school girl helper with me rather than leave my son with her for 7 days); my husband lacks the ability to tell his mom no over anything (when mommy ain't happy ain't nobody happy lol). He says no and she starts crying/whining and he falls to pieces with guilt. So, we have worked it out that we set a schedule of when we go over to my mother-in-law's house. This is the schedule of all holidays and birthdays we are "required" to be at:
(all of these named are how they are related to my mother-in-law)
January 2012
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
Son-in-laws Birthday: None
February 2012
Grandchild Birthday: Hubby Goes
March 2012
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
Daughter's Birthday: None
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
April 2012
Easter Egg Dying: None
Easter: Hubby Goes
May 2012
Mothers Day: None (this was hubby's choice)
Memorial Day: None
June 2012
Son's Birthday: Hubby Goes (this is his bday)
Son-in-law's Birthday: None
July 2012
Fourth of July: Hubby Goes
August 2012
Grandchild's (my son) Birthday: Hubby and Son Go
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
September 2012
Labor Day: None
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
October 2012
Halloween Pumpkin Carving: None
Halloween: Just Trick or Treating
November 2012
Daughter's Birthday: None
MIL Birthday: Hubby Goes
Thanksgiving: Everyone Goes (including me)
December 2012
Christmas Eve: Hubby Goes
Christmas: None
Grandchild's (my daughter) Birthday: Hubby and Daughter Go
New Years Eve: None
**Where it says Huby goes, he takes one child with him and one child goes with me (we have two children).
I am tired of spending about 1/2 of my weekends throughout the year as well as numerous holidays with my mother-in-law when I only see my family (at best) yearly; plus I'm treated like dirt by my mother-in-law and her two adult daughters. Please comment on the calendar on whether you see it as appropriate or not. Thanks in advance!
(all of these named are how they are related to my mother-in-law)
January 2012
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
Son-in-laws Birthday: None
February 2012
Grandchild Birthday: Hubby Goes
March 2012
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
Daughter's Birthday: None
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
April 2012
Easter Egg Dying: None
Easter: Hubby Goes
May 2012
Mothers Day: None (this was hubby's choice)
Memorial Day: None
June 2012
Son's Birthday: Hubby Goes (this is his bday)
Son-in-law's Birthday: None
July 2012
Fourth of July: Hubby Goes
August 2012
Grandchild's (my son) Birthday: Hubby and Son Go
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
September 2012
Labor Day: None
Grandchild's Birthday: Hubby Goes
October 2012
Halloween Pumpkin Carving: None
Halloween: Just Trick or Treating
November 2012
Daughter's Birthday: None
MIL Birthday: Hubby Goes
Thanksgiving: Everyone Goes (including me)
December 2012
Christmas Eve: Hubby Goes
Christmas: None
Grandchild's (my daughter) Birthday: Hubby and Daughter Go
New Years Eve: None
**Where it says Huby goes, he takes one child with him and one child goes with me (we have two children).
I am tired of spending about 1/2 of my weekends throughout the year as well as numerous holidays with my mother-in-law when I only see my family (at best) yearly; plus I'm treated like dirt by my mother-in-law and her two adult daughters. Please comment on the calendar on whether you see it as appropriate or not. Thanks in advance!
It's time hubby cuts the apron strings, mommy dearest learns where her place is and that place is not in-between you and your husband's decision making. She and the two adult daughters need to be taught that you are to be respected and not treated like dirt or they don't need to be a part of your life.
We teach people how to treat us and by tolerating MIL's behavior, she's being enabled to continue being damanding and being respectful to you and your husband.
I say good job on drawing boundaries to protect yourself and your little ones! There is a lot of unheathiness on that side of the family; guilt, shame, controlling people. It sounds like you have had to show a bunch of restraint. Time to take care of yourself, and laying it out in advance on the calendar shows good communication.
take care,
Sincerely,
Tortoise