Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everybody,
My husband has an 11 year old son which i have difficulty bonding with. His mother and I also have a non-existent relationship, because when my husband and I started dating she used to bad mouth me, which i guess influenced my stepson negatively towards me. I always felt that we never had the opportunity to bond because we were never allowed the opportunity. Before i was introduced to him, my husband and i decided that we will make sure that our relationship will be long term, as there is no sense in me meeting him and then the relationship does not last and i am out of the picture again. So in short, avoid confusion for the little boy.
We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years now, but still nothing. I get my period regularly so I am not sure what may be wrong. I have now finally decided to seek medical attention.
Now here is the big problem. I recently realised that its not because of the boy's rude manners or his spoiled brat notions, or even his demanding mother that it is an acceptable situation for me. I found that my dislike stems from my own insecurities, which was a massive blow to me.
I have realised that I cannot accept and bond with my stepson, not because of who he is but what he represents. He is the son I want to give my husband (and currently unable to) and I am jealous of his mother because she shares that special bond with my husband.
I am so frustrated and confused. Is there anyone who has experienced the same, or some advice on what I can do? I know I am the only one that can change the situation as this is in my head....
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
My husband had a 3 year old daughter when I met her. She and I were cool until we got engaged and her mom told her I was going to be her step mother. ... To which her only reference was Disney movies and I was called the Evil Step Mother for years. Not because she thought that or didn't but because she assumed these words were related.
Then it got worse. Not only did she have such an attitude about everything and would mimic things her mother said such as calling my husband and I lazy even though 50% of my husbnad's income has always gone for child support and I was legally contracted to pay for her health insurance at the time. as well as buying all her school stuff every year and more.... Her mom would refuse to talk to us directly and taint my step daughter by telling her very adult things to tell her father....
But then I couldn't get pregnant. We tried for 5 years to get pregnant and couldn't. We knew he worked because he had a kid, but I did not. What a realization.
I grew up in a culture where male sons meant something, and I couldn't have any children.
Now, eventually with the help of science I did have 2 kids.... and after more than 10 years of being around me and loved by me no matter what she said and did, my step daughter and I are mostly cool again,,,,
I understand where you are. All I can say, is try not to let the swirling crazy affect your displays of unconditional love for your step son. When you can't, try not to be in the same place as him. That was the only way that I could look at her some days was if I stayed away from her while my brain screamed and came back when I felt the worst had past.
Sending you my love and best. I know it is hard.
My husband has this boy, and I myself have 2 daughters from a previous marriage, so I am holding thumbs. Maybe I will be pregnant soon.
Blended families are really tough.... You don't just walk in and love someone else's children and they in turn don't simply love a step parent
I had a heavy relationship years ago with a man who had 2 kids and it didn't work for that reason.... I just didn't want to take it on....
I would consider some family therapy so that both you and your husband's son can have a voice and work on some of the problems you're running into in order to improve the family dynamics
He's at an age where hormones are just beginning to go wild and it reads like he was put into the middle of a marriage breakdown by his mother...... So not cool and so hurtful to the child
Some family therapy could hopefully help repair the damage.... I think that if there isn't some help prior to a pregnancy your stepson will end up feeling unloved (real or imagined) and it will only get worse? possibly
Big hug..... I hope that you can be one big happy family soon.....xo
Yes, I have given this a lot of thought. Something needs to be now, we cannot wait. There is a boy here, dumped into a situation where he had no say and he must just deal with it. Also, there is group of adults that did not prepare him.
So I have decided that I will be the grown up and stop bitching and moaning. The problem does not lie with anyone else but me. In small little ways I will try and 'make friends with him' and show him that he did not lose his daddy, but gained another mommy (even if it kills me).
I know that I want that, I just need to get the crap out of my head that is holding me back.
So, thank you ladies :)
We have a family outing this weekend and I am going to try my new approach then. Will keep you posted of the progress
I bonded with my step kids through sports and activities. That way we are keeping busy and having fun as we all get to know each other. After a while they thought I was freakin’ awesome. I’m not, trust me, but I think we just established this friendship over time that actually was independent of their dad. When they got into their teens, we did a lot of things that didn’t include their dad, like day trips and hiking together. It takes time to build a relationship like that. So just cut yourself some slack and just see how things unfold. This kid needs to feel comfortable. If he has an inkling you are unsure about him, he will feel that.
I think it’s great you recognize he’s not the problem. You solved a huge piece of the issue by being self aware.