Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I'm in a long distance relationship, so me and my boyfriend fly to see each other normally every 6-8 weeks. So far it's lasted two years, and for me things are going downhill (as I have alarm bells ringing). I've got depression and also had a few crimes where I was attacked by teachers and doctors (would you believe!), and these events have caused PTSD and anxiety even though they happened 6 to 17 years ago. I've begun to think maybe my boyfriend just isn't for me. Here are my worries/reasons:
- I confided in him about the depression (and the abuse) and said to keep it all private........ weeks later I find out he's told his parents about my depression, and I find it totally infuriating. He didn't respect the trust I put in him. His mother's job involves dealing with alcoholics, people with schizophrenia, disabled people, and his excuse was something like, "She won't tell anyone, and she's used to people with depression"
- He has yelled at me a lot. When I have a problem and want to talk to him (if he's doing something/done/said something that I'm not comfortable with) he can't "talk" to me, and instead interrupts me and yells at me. I'm hoping he'll learn but he did tell me "I raise my voice and it's the way I am"
- He once brought out the worst in me. Again he was yelling and repeating himself, and couldn't stop. I'd lost count of how many times he'd yelled at me. I couldn't stand it anymore and I exploded shouting myself and in tears, saying "I'm not doing this anymore! Look at the state I'm in because of you." I turned into an awful person that another boyfriend turned me into about 10 years ago (and it scared me to death). We agreed to split up while I was at his place abroad, but then agreed to try to learn from each other the day before I left.
- His father gets angry over politics at the dinner table and ends up shouting in English towards me, hammering his fist on the table, red face, red eyes. He's not angry with me, but he seems to vent his anger/frustration onto me. My boyfriend either didn't look at me (regarding the stress/anxiety it was causing me in the moment) or was oblivious to how I was feeling. I asked him to speak to his father because I would do the same for him if it were the other way round, with my Dad were shouting over food. He for some reason couldn't confront his father in a nice way to let him know that his tempestuous behaviour over dinner was worsening my mental health and really stressing me out. Eventually he did talk to him, but it took 2 months. I ended up sending his father a nice email myself, and got no reply. His father is diabetic and really over-weight and he's clearly uncomfortable. My boyfriend's answers were, "Well it's nothing to do with you as for his shouting", "We should sort this out when you are here", and later he said, "I don't view this as shouting". I can't help thinking my boyfriend is weak. I wouldn't have a problem confronting my Dad. But all this shouting (towards a guest) over dinner is a very unusual and awkward situation (as my CBT therapist said).
- When we are together in person, we don't actually talk to each other much. Whenever I think back, I'm always picturing him sat at his lap top reading.
- He renovated an apartment which he was already living in and said, "I've done all this for you!" (trying to keep me, make me feel guilty?)
- He said, "Other men wouldn't bother with you given all the problems you have got". (This hurt - I thought he meant my mental health and all the abuse I've had. Later on he said he meant the fact I don't consider his perspective, my black & white thinking..... was he twisting things round here? Possibly.)
We've agreed to have a few months away from each other. I'm glad he's not in a nearby town, and 700 miles away instead. I'm getting into new activities and beginning to feel better (on my own). I'm someone who is different; musician, high functioning ASD, enjoy nature, love the Mediterranean, and do Tai Chi. He's an economist. He's said he won't yell anymore, and will learn, but I'm unsure if I believe it. He was single for 11 years before he met me, and I fear maybe he's not learned the right skills as he was songle for so long. He tells me he adores me despite everything.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
There is your answer.
Relationships require a great degree of empathy and support, especially when one partner struggles with a mental illness such as depression. Your boyfriend sounds ill equipped to support you.
"Other men wouldn't bother with you given all the problems you've got."
That comment sounds borderline emotionally abusive. You mention that he reframed it after the fact, but did he ever apologize? Telling your partner that no one else would want them is a very devaluing statement. Of course it hurt you. I hope you realize it wasn't true <3
I've had horrible anxiety my entire life. If my boyfriend ever said that to me about my issues I would reconsider dating him, unless it was said in the heat of an argument and followed by a very sincere apology. When I have anxiety attacks and start throwing up, he pats my back and brings me water. He is very patient and loving with me. I bet you could find someone who would be just as patient and loving with you about your depression.
In short; I agree with you. It sounds like he might not be the one.
I was told that I was "making them walk on eggshells" "controlling" "causing grief"
I put loads of effort into changing myself so I was laid back company and learnt to cope with my reactions to people's behaviour with confidential trusted others
Haven't had one argument with my partner for over a year and we live together and it is very pleasant
I've heard of people looking to "discuss" and change their partners behaviour cos they are upsetting them and then being surprised when there love dumps them, with the observation that being with someone shouldn't be such hard work.
I've also been with arseholes who try to make you feel bad for freaking out around their boundaryless behaviour. Like talking about gang rape and laughing about it with other men when your alone in a room with them. Apparently that's bad me for making him walk on eggshells huh?
If your not in the wrong and he's not in the wrong and it's still such hard work being in a relationship together, maybe your personalities just don't match???
Maybe just keep posting the stress away because you want to keep him regardless, I can understand that too, maybe learn relationship skills together.
Just a few ideas