You can always ignore the comment and just stop phoning her when you're driving.... Call only when you have the time...

You are at different places in your lives it seems and relationships do change... When I was really young I used to talk to the same friends everyday... Now we talk a couple of times a month... I still care for them a great deal... They are my closest friends and if we need each other we're there.... We're just older and have other things that we have to do now... Big hug... I'm sorry that you've been hurt...xo

Well...she's NOT wrong! You could always just say what you said here: "This was fun when we were younger and in college. Now I'm just no longer interested."

She is probably feeling hurt because she may have been right in the middle of trying to say something when you announce.. "I'm home, gotta go".. so she is feeling discounted and irked by that.

sort of like you are just giving her "crumbs" of attention instead of a pristine piece of cake attention....

I like Sunclouds first sentence in post # 1...

I would ignore the comment and "get the message" sometime when you have a block of free time at home... get yourself a glass of wine, go sit out on the deck and call her to catch up.. be really generous and have a great conversation.

Change is hard for Asperger's, it's also hard to understand what other people are going through and why things have to change in the friendship.

It's probably not passive-aggressive in the way you think of it.

If it's bothering you, ask her directly if she wants the phone calls to stop while you're driving. If it's not bothering you that much, just carry on like you have been doing.

It's even possible that she was thinking of someone else entirely and it didn't even occur to her that you might take this personally.

My son had a really severe language delay. He's 15 now, but I still hear traces of it. Several of his friends are diagnosed on the spectrum, and it's just part of being friends with them. Social cues just aren't their "thing". It's hard because in their 20's some are just figuring out the social games that were played by everyone else in their teens, meanwhile everyone else has moved past that and are getting on with life.

On the other hand, they're great friends to have for other issues.

Hey Toss! I hate talking on the phone, with anyone. And I when it comes to people I don't talk to regularly or see regularly, I sort of do the same thing that you do, use time I know I'll have so I can manage the time. If I don't, there are too many distractions where I feel I have to get off the phone. So I'll usually get caught up with someone while I'm walking my dog, and wrap up the call when I get home.
For brief conversations, I just call whenever and wherever, but for catching up calls, I think using the time I know I have open is just sensible.

I have one dear friend from college where we don't see each other very often. Her job is seasonal and her time off during high season is limited, but we both take a couple of days off a year where she drives here for the day and we spend the entire day together, and have those endless talks like we used to about books and movies and art and just life. It fills me up and we talk about how much we love each other even though we don't see each other. We never talk on the phone. It's more meaningful for both of us to be able to.look at each other and connect that way. We do email periodically for a real quick hi or a hey, thought of you the other day when I was reading something.

So do you think making time to see each other could replace the calls and maybe make both of you feel reconnected in a more meaningful way? If not possible, then I think just mentioning to her in a casual way, hey I saw you mentioned on tumbler a quote about friendship. Was that about me? It doesn't have to be confrontational but just more that you're curious. Keep it light.

I would not feel guilty though. You do what makes sense to do with this friend by calling her when you know you have optimal time and so you can manage the time of the call. I totally get it. I suspect even if you carved out other time for her, she still may take it hard when you wrap up the call at some point.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Personally, I think you should call her and express to her how you feel but first, ask her if she's okay and let her explain what she meant by the post, then let her know how you felt about it. I know some people will give it a day or so before mentioning anything but this is a long time friend and like yourself, she needs to know you care.

I can honestly relate to her post because I feel the same way with EVERYONE close to me including family. What means the most to me is the phone calls I get because they are busy and want to see how I'm doing, the unexpected time lost conversations because I'm enjoying the moment with them, etc. I've always been available to my dearest friends and loved ones just because...not because I have the spare time.

I believe the quality of the friendship is what matters. Life gets busy, we get older, our lives are constantly changing and we lose and gain new friendships.

She may have posted the comment because of other personal things that may be going on or maybe, just maybe her post has some truth to it.

I don't know if this is the case with your friend or not, but I have a close friend or " used to be close" friend who only calls me when she is driving.
It makes me feel like she just fits me into her appointments, gym and work schedule.
When she needed me, I dropped everything to sit and listen to her for hours while she was going through her divorce.
I want to be a part of someone's life, not something to slide in between tasks.
It really hurt my feelings and now we hardly talk anymore.

However, I can see your point too. She should just talk to you about how she feels instead of being passive aggressive.

Well, my friend called me at home earlier this week and we talked for a bit. Neither of us brought up the post she made, but I have to feel like the phone call was in response to that post to some extent since she almost never calls me at all.

Like I said in my original post, I don't know that she's entirely wrong to feel the way she does and many of you backed that up. I just wish it was more important that I called at all, then WHEN I called.

I will probably stop phoning her when I drive, but that also probably means we'll be talking a LOT less in the future, which I feel sad about. She's really the only person I call during my drives, because I want to know how she's doing, and that's more important than taking the time to decompress from work during my drive. (I'm an introvert, so the time alone before I get home is really nice.) I also feel like it is an hour (or more) of time, so hardly a short little conversation at all.

I think, the upshot is that both of us have completely valid points of view. It is just unfortunate that by making her happy, I'm reducing the amount of contact we have overall.

The thing that jumps out the most is that she has aspergers. Is she open about her diagnosis and willing to discuss it? If so, that may be a good point to discuss. I have several friends with children in thespectrum. Part of learning to be more social is to understand when they have consumed too much time ina conversation.

It's also inappropriate to air arguments and hurt feelings on social media. They shit really pisses me of when I see friend post not so obscure things about other friends rather than talk to them directly.

My friend and I use her drive to work as our main talking time. Our schedules allow very little other time where we are both free. However if either of us really needed to vent or talk at another time we would do our best to make that time work.

Somtimes it might be impossible if she's at work and could get in trouble or I'm ata meeting for the kids school or something.


I really don't see using your driving time as an issue. Especially since your the one who makes the effort to call and listen. Being honest ina kind but clear way seems to me the best solution.

Maybe you can explain to her exactly
What you said here about the driving phone call :-)