Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. It's always been up and down, and he has ALWAYS blown hot and cold in my eyes. We will have periods when get so close to each other, and I feel like everything is perfect and I question that anything will ever go wrong between us. Then, the next day I get nothing from him. He's withdrawn, doesn't call, and I feel needy trying to talk. This is a pattern that has created a lot of self-blame within myself, and I always end up wondering whether or not it's even valid for me to be angry or upset with him in the first place.
Just this past weekend, we had a blast together. He told me how happy he was, and how lucky he felt. He told me how attractive I am and how all other guys wants me and it makes him jealous but lucky at the same time. We ended our weekend on a great note, and I didn't have a complaint in the world. I started off Monday feeling so completely in love with him and like we were on a great track. I could tell that he was into me.
We chatted briefly during the day (around 3pm) and I texted him back something that I thought warranted a response- not a question but a comment in general. I got nothing- 8,9,10 pm rolls around and I start to feel incredibly anxious (I have severe anxiety attacks that are actually crippling). He's never really passed out or not responded to me before, so I thought about all of the things that I may have done wrong. I was mentally paralyzed for hours until I finally decided to take a klonopin to allow myself to sleep. I sent him a text saying I didn't appreciate the lack of his response, and I was going to sleep. Didn't hear back until the morning, when he replied and said he went to bed early-- which was a lie, because I was on facebook at 10:30 PM and he was on as well from his phone. I was very short in my reply, and he caught on and responded by saying that he's very busy and swamped with work this week, and that he apologized in advance for any lack of communication or appearing distant on his end as he was in a different mental state this week. I looked at it as him asking for space, and I immediately internally freaked out thinking that my comment about him not responding seemed needy and actually suffocated him. I replied back by saying oh, alright I understand. I'm not mad. I just wanted to tell you about my new job (I started today)... to which he replied that he was sorry, and maybe he could "fit me in" for some time later on to talk on the phone. This made me so angry.... what a narcissistic thing to say... I, as his girlfriend, do not need to be fit into time. To me, it reflected a pompous sense of self and as if I had no meaning in his life. I was pretty short for the rest of oru conversation out of anger and for his lack of consideration for my feelings the night before. Around 10 PM, he texted me and asked if I wanted to chat as he was about to fall asleep. I said if he wanted to, but I was going to bed too so I didn't mind holding off until tomorrow. He called me, and we talked normally, but I could sense he was on edge and stressed. I tried to talk to him about regular things, and asked him how his "busy" work day was. He said it was fine, but he was balancing so much and needed to "tone down on me" for the week. Another incredibly rude and inconsiderate comment in my opinion. I'm not an object, or a beverage, or a possession that he needs to TONE down on. I'm a person who deserves the respect of being treated as his girlfriend. Realistically, my boyfriend does have a lot of narcissistic traits. He tends to only think of himself in arguments, and rarely agrees to see my side or even listen. He doesn't like talking things out, but then will turn around and say that I need to communicate my feelings better to him. He does NOT have an important job whatsoever- we are young, 26, and he's just starting out in his industry. Yet, he acts like he's more instrumental and important than he actually is, and I don't buy the work excuse that he's incredibly swamped and busy. To me, that's either extreme narcissism and him attempting to look more important in someone else's eyes, or an excuse for wanting space. I just don't get it- especially if he can go on facebook at 10:30 at night. Today, he facebook chatted me and asked how my day was going and made small talk. I told him it was good, and that I had a nice weekend with him to which he replied "thanks. I did too" I said I had to go and signed off. Now, I'm laying in bed at this time of night, wondering if he'll call. It is hell for me. I wonder if he's really actually busy with work, or if he just wants space and is too much of a coward to say it. I also wonder if the text I sent him saying I was irritated that he didn't reply back is why he is now acting like this. I don't understand how one person can go from hot and SO infatuated with me to COLD so quickly.
I know I am attractive and can go out and get other guys (He knows that too and tells me every day) and I can't understand why he fails to treat me as if I am, and treats me like I'm disposable. Not calling or texting at the end of the day. It's heartbreaking. Do I reach out to him tonight or leave it? Is this fair treatment? Thank you for your responses.
Just this past weekend, we had a blast together. He told me how happy he was, and how lucky he felt. He told me how attractive I am and how all other guys wants me and it makes him jealous but lucky at the same time. We ended our weekend on a great note, and I didn't have a complaint in the world. I started off Monday feeling so completely in love with him and like we were on a great track. I could tell that he was into me.
We chatted briefly during the day (around 3pm) and I texted him back something that I thought warranted a response- not a question but a comment in general. I got nothing- 8,9,10 pm rolls around and I start to feel incredibly anxious (I have severe anxiety attacks that are actually crippling). He's never really passed out or not responded to me before, so I thought about all of the things that I may have done wrong. I was mentally paralyzed for hours until I finally decided to take a klonopin to allow myself to sleep. I sent him a text saying I didn't appreciate the lack of his response, and I was going to sleep. Didn't hear back until the morning, when he replied and said he went to bed early-- which was a lie, because I was on facebook at 10:30 PM and he was on as well from his phone. I was very short in my reply, and he caught on and responded by saying that he's very busy and swamped with work this week, and that he apologized in advance for any lack of communication or appearing distant on his end as he was in a different mental state this week. I looked at it as him asking for space, and I immediately internally freaked out thinking that my comment about him not responding seemed needy and actually suffocated him. I replied back by saying oh, alright I understand. I'm not mad. I just wanted to tell you about my new job (I started today)... to which he replied that he was sorry, and maybe he could "fit me in" for some time later on to talk on the phone. This made me so angry.... what a narcissistic thing to say... I, as his girlfriend, do not need to be fit into time. To me, it reflected a pompous sense of self and as if I had no meaning in his life. I was pretty short for the rest of oru conversation out of anger and for his lack of consideration for my feelings the night before. Around 10 PM, he texted me and asked if I wanted to chat as he was about to fall asleep. I said if he wanted to, but I was going to bed too so I didn't mind holding off until tomorrow. He called me, and we talked normally, but I could sense he was on edge and stressed. I tried to talk to him about regular things, and asked him how his "busy" work day was. He said it was fine, but he was balancing so much and needed to "tone down on me" for the week. Another incredibly rude and inconsiderate comment in my opinion. I'm not an object, or a beverage, or a possession that he needs to TONE down on. I'm a person who deserves the respect of being treated as his girlfriend. Realistically, my boyfriend does have a lot of narcissistic traits. He tends to only think of himself in arguments, and rarely agrees to see my side or even listen. He doesn't like talking things out, but then will turn around and say that I need to communicate my feelings better to him. He does NOT have an important job whatsoever- we are young, 26, and he's just starting out in his industry. Yet, he acts like he's more instrumental and important than he actually is, and I don't buy the work excuse that he's incredibly swamped and busy. To me, that's either extreme narcissism and him attempting to look more important in someone else's eyes, or an excuse for wanting space. I just don't get it- especially if he can go on facebook at 10:30 at night. Today, he facebook chatted me and asked how my day was going and made small talk. I told him it was good, and that I had a nice weekend with him to which he replied "thanks. I did too" I said I had to go and signed off. Now, I'm laying in bed at this time of night, wondering if he'll call. It is hell for me. I wonder if he's really actually busy with work, or if he just wants space and is too much of a coward to say it. I also wonder if the text I sent him saying I was irritated that he didn't reply back is why he is now acting like this. I don't understand how one person can go from hot and SO infatuated with me to COLD so quickly.
I know I am attractive and can go out and get other guys (He knows that too and tells me every day) and I can't understand why he fails to treat me as if I am, and treats me like I'm disposable. Not calling or texting at the end of the day. It's heartbreaking. Do I reach out to him tonight or leave it? Is this fair treatment? Thank you for your responses.
What else is going on?
I feel like you are having some anxiety about his behavior because of something else. Has he cheated on you or have given you a reason to be jealous? Are some girls stalking him on FB?
I am a very chatty person and usually respond to everyone who texts me. Some people are not like that, they dont have a constant need to be in touch with their partner.
Some days i dont feel like talking to anyone when i have a lot of shit on my plate. I just want to sit with my Ipad and listen to music or be quiet and not talk, or think about anyone. This is a way for me to decompress.
Flipping out on the bf is not going to help your relationship to be solid.
When i ran into men who were not chatty i would say to them that i like attention, so please give it to me. If this person wasnt willing, then OK. This doesnt fit me well.
If you really want to stay with this person then you kind of have to compromise and accept it. He needs to know that you like attention and try to give it to you and you need to chill out if he doesnt respond immediately.
People get really tired of being in demand when they dont particularly enjoy a certain activity.
I hope you can work this out..
More background to your story would be helpful. Hang in there.
He has been unfaithful to several ex- girlfriends in the past (I've known him a while). Also, I am terrified that not speaking for a night or this sudden change of behavior on his end is indicative of him wanting and needing space from me. It makes me sick.
It's also common for men to make off the cuff remarks that offend women without realizing it. I wouldn't be so quick to call him a narcissist, he might just be a bull in a china shop - not so good with the art of diplomacy when it comes to expressing his thoughts. I've known men like this and had lots of drama trying to make doltish men well mannered and sensitive...doesn't work, hahaha. I wouldn't take it personally with the "tone you down" comment... but I would take note of it when you look at the big picture of your relationship and if this causes you a lot of grief in the long term, his social shortcomings might be a deal breaker. I don't think he meant anything by it, though...my guess is it's just part of who he is and how he communicates.
My advise is, be very clear and specific in your language about what you'd like him to do...don't assume anything, he doesn't sound like the type to pick up on subtleties. I wouldn't call him tonight, but maybe send him a nice text and leave the ball in his court. He probably doesn't realize he did anything wrong and will call you tomorrow.
I have been through this. If i had to do it over again, i would leave that relationship in the beginning, right about where you are now.
I dont know this guy, but i can tell you for sure that when you start feeling happy than sad than happy than sad, then your time away from him is occupied by wondering who he is talking to and whether he is screwing someone else and you start popping pills because you cant function and nothing else brings you joy than the days of the week on which he confirms you are still wanted while you are in bed together - this is a definite situation that should be left behind like a bad dream.
Unfortunately, i ve learned the hard way what happens if one sticks around.
I ve had some relationships after this person and you know how everyone says : " oh.. I have such trust issues because of my previous relationship"? This very well may be for some people, but for me being with someone who is not a liar or a cheater or a womanizer was refreshing. I did not have any bad feelings, anxiety or concerns.
That new person made me feel secure, content and comfortable.
This how it is suppose to feel.
Most of the time if one feels anxious, there are good reasons.
Good luck, and i hope you are a lot smarter than i am.
A Womans Diary Vs. A Mans Diary-
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, Nothing".
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, I love you, too". When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.
Honestly - I say this with absolute kindsness, but if youre acting this way because he didnt text you back before bed, and youve only been together 6 months, Id be needing some space from you too. Gotta chill out a bit and roll with the punches, otherwise, youll only create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Don't give someone that power over you.
I wish I had gotten out a long time ago.
I realized I should have listened to the sweet people here and my gut.
If he doesn't realize your value and worth, why settle?
Just my opinion, love yourself. ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))