Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. A couple weeks before our 1st anniversary, he seemed excited about it - he mentioned it, he seemed happy about it, he remembered it. We talked about going to a concert that night, because a band we both love was going to be in town that night.
Then, all of a sudden, I had this strange thought. I was just washing dishes, thinking nothing, when suddenly I thought, "Oh, no. What if he's working the evening of our anniversary?" He works on-call, so I thought he might have got called in.
So I called him, and asked if he was working that night. "Yup" he said. He appeared to be totally unconcerned with it. Then he said, "Oh, wait. Maybe I'm only working the afternoon, and then again at 10pm. I have a few hours in between. Maybe we could squeeze something in."
I think you can imagine how I felt right then: terribly hurt, and very angry. I could not understand how he could just dismiss our anniversary. He also said that our anniversary "didn't mean anything to him".
I asked him to come over, and talk about this, and he did. We stayed up the entire night, talking, crying, discussing. He finally left at 7 a.m. Basically, what he said was that our anniversary did mean a lot to him, but that he had lied to himself, and to me, when he said that it didn't matter.
He claims that he tries to tell himself that things like our anniversary aren't important as a protective device. Why does he need protection? He says that he is so scared I'll leave him (we have had a very, VERY rocky 1st year), and, so, he tries to protect himself by telling himself that these things don't matter, so that it won't hurt so much when I leave.
So he's messed up. I know that. And this is not the first time he has hurt me this bad. Something this bad happened a month ago, for the same reason - he wanted to protect himself.
I really would like to know your opinions. Should I keep giving this guy chances, or do you think it's hopeless???
Also, I asked him, a month ago, if he would go and get help. Like a phycologist. He said yes. A month later, he hasn't made a single step towards that. He is still claiming he is going to go. I am seriously thinking of kindly and gently informing him that, although I am not breaking up with him, I can't spend time with him until he makes some small step towards seeing someone. Is that reasonable??
Sorry for the long post. It's just that I'm confused, and, when you're this confused, sometimes it really helps to hear what other people outside of the situation have to say.
Then, all of a sudden, I had this strange thought. I was just washing dishes, thinking nothing, when suddenly I thought, "Oh, no. What if he's working the evening of our anniversary?" He works on-call, so I thought he might have got called in.
So I called him, and asked if he was working that night. "Yup" he said. He appeared to be totally unconcerned with it. Then he said, "Oh, wait. Maybe I'm only working the afternoon, and then again at 10pm. I have a few hours in between. Maybe we could squeeze something in."
I think you can imagine how I felt right then: terribly hurt, and very angry. I could not understand how he could just dismiss our anniversary. He also said that our anniversary "didn't mean anything to him".
I asked him to come over, and talk about this, and he did. We stayed up the entire night, talking, crying, discussing. He finally left at 7 a.m. Basically, what he said was that our anniversary did mean a lot to him, but that he had lied to himself, and to me, when he said that it didn't matter.
He claims that he tries to tell himself that things like our anniversary aren't important as a protective device. Why does he need protection? He says that he is so scared I'll leave him (we have had a very, VERY rocky 1st year), and, so, he tries to protect himself by telling himself that these things don't matter, so that it won't hurt so much when I leave.
So he's messed up. I know that. And this is not the first time he has hurt me this bad. Something this bad happened a month ago, for the same reason - he wanted to protect himself.
I really would like to know your opinions. Should I keep giving this guy chances, or do you think it's hopeless???
Also, I asked him, a month ago, if he would go and get help. Like a phycologist. He said yes. A month later, he hasn't made a single step towards that. He is still claiming he is going to go. I am seriously thinking of kindly and gently informing him that, although I am not breaking up with him, I can't spend time with him until he makes some small step towards seeing someone. Is that reasonable??
Sorry for the long post. It's just that I'm confused, and, when you're this confused, sometimes it really helps to hear what other people outside of the situation have to say.
I also wonder what kind of problems you guys had to begin with. Just my opinion.
I agree with leather and lunae, why are you still with this guy?
But not that you say that, maybe it was that he wanted me to change, or be different in some way. I'm thinking now maybe he wanted me be more like him (cautiously phobic.)
When I read what Gonnamakeit wrote about her guy claiming that he tells himself certain things aren't important, my first thought was "Well, sure. He's trying to get a hold of his feelings, keep himself from being too unrealistically infatuated." I thought this girl must probably be making him feel seriously in love, and that's a scary thing for some people, especially those who have has prior bad experiences. He sounds like maybe he's been wounded in the past, in some bad past relationship, and now he's on guard, protective of his feelings. He's probably the sort to want to commit very, very, very, slowly!
So cheer up Gonnamakeit! You might be "the one" but you just won't find out about it for another 10 years. Can you wait until your 10th Anniversary to be the one that's special?
I think the only reason people continue to have "rocky" relationships is because there are some MAJOR IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES and MAJOR INCOMPATIBILITIES. And those things rarely go away by themselves.
Leatheran - Yes, I think you are totally right about protecting myself, and it is good for me to be reminded that I need to do that. So thank you. Our problems in the first year were because of the fact that he is an alcoholic. He is not drinking now, and has not been for some time, and is happy about that.
Lunai - Yes, you are right in thinking I should protect myself, and, as I said above, it is good to be reminded of that. Why am I still in this relationship? Because although there are obviously some serious problems, there is also a lot of good, too - he is kind, intelligent, and funny. He is always there for me. Because I have been around the block enough times to know that someone I feel deeply for is worth trying to sort things out with. Will it ever get to the point where I don't think it's worth it? Yes, it could easily get there, but it is not there yet.
I don't think you were being rude, you were just offering your opinion, and I appreciate that a lot. You are right - it does take two, and I do need to think about what I want from this relationship and work on myself, too. I also want to point out, though, that I disagree that I am "making himfeel that he is the one having problems in his head", because he freely admits that he has problems in his head. He also admits that he has always had these problems, and has ruined pretty much all of his past relationships because of these problems.
I should also clairfy that I didn't push the idea of professional help on him - I did mention it first, but he was not opposed to the idea, and it seemed that it was something he geuinely wanted. Maybe I misunderstood him, since he doesn't seem to be making a move towards getting help, but, at the time, he himself seemed to think it was a very good idea. His parents have been suggesting it to him for years.
Something else I disagree with. You said that I shouldn't put all the blame on him. I definetly don't put the blame for all our problems on him - a relationship takes two, as you pointed out, and I certainly make mistakes, too. But, in this one specific instance, isn't it fair to blame him for being callous and hurtfull? Is it really my fault that he said our anniversary didn't mean anything to him? I don't mean to be rude, but, to me, he is the one responsible in this one specific situation.
As for what you said about acceptance, well, I don't mean to be rude, but I think I'll have to respectfully disagree with you. Do I want him to change? Yes. Is it unreasonable for me to want him to change, if he wants that change, too? No. Do I currently accept that he has this flaw? Yes. Can I accept this flaw forever? No. Why not? Because feeling your feelings, and being able to communicate your feelings to your partners is an essential to a healthy relationship. After all, if you can't communicate, you have a big problem. Do I think he's capable of this change? Yes. Why? Because he has an amazing capacity for change - I have seem him make other big changes.
Wendyhi - Thanks for your response. I think the situations are a bit different, though - in your case, you didn't feel you needed help. In my boyfriend's case, he himself seems to feel he needs it. As I said to someone else in an earlier response, he is aware that this behavior of his has destroyed all his previous relationships.
I think what you said about him being cautious was an amazing insight! It was also very helpful, and I thank you very much for taking the time to say it. I'm not sure if you're serious or not about me having to wait 10 years to be the one, though! Of course, it makes sense that he would feel the need to protect himself only because he has strong feelings, and cares. It makes sense. I think he is scared, because it is so real. He did seem to have very strong feelings, from the very start. Looking at it from that viewpoint, I feel less hurt about what he said about our anniversary.
This is a place where people come to get advice. I am not saying this to you rudely, I am saying it to you gently: if you do not have advice, and are just here to be rude to me, then why respond? Who does it benefit? Not you, not me, not anyone who reads it.
The thing is, you didn't bother to ask me if I was in therapy, or if I was open to therapy, or considering therapy, or anything. Don't you think you should have that information, before you start critisizing me?
I do agree that these probelms rarely go away by themselves - which is EXACTLY why i suggested my boyfriend go into therapy.
Thing is, that's not something you can help him overcome. Those are his issues. It's like a fear of flying. No matter how much your best friend tells you it's safe to fly, they can't convince you. You gotta work through it in your own head.
He might never be that sort of person like you are. So you have to decide if you are comfortable slowing to his speed and his needs to create a sense of security for himself. I found it too tough for me, personally.
When you come to a public online community for advice, you don't get to set qualifiers for responders to adhere to. And you are right, I don't offer advice. I make observations on what you have presented based on my personal experiences. And I also don't have time to perfectly craft a response as to not offend or "hurt" someone's feelings.
You say that "So he's messed up. I know that. And this is not the first time he has hurt me this bad." My question is why do you continue to stay with someone who continues to hurt you? In your reply to Big Guy, you say you feel your BF is capable of change. If that is the case, you have to realize that the "change" may not happen in the time frame you desire, and in the mean while, the hurts may continue, and you will have to deal with that if you choose to remain with him. If you decide to stay waiting for the change (and it may be the 10 years WendyHi mentions), you need to accept more and allow your feelings to get hurt less. And you are the only one in control of your feelings. If you don't like getting your feelings hurt, learn to control your feelings more.
And you know what?? Certain things aren't important.
If you can get this poor guy to go and get therapy & mold him into seeing things your way, more power to you... but No, you don't seem very reasonable to me.
How old are you? If you are very young I want to give you some advice.. What life throws at us gets worse and worse with age.
I look back now on things that used to upset me as a teen.. or even early in my marriage.. and I think how stupid I was to make problems out of something so trivial.. When I read your post about an all night crying session over Anniversary plans?? wow!
I suppose it's all part of growing up though.. and you are not going to be able to learn anything form my advice.. you'll have to waste your youth sweating the small stuff just like the rest of us did....
just something to think about.
I've been where your bf has been... we just date you but we're not sewn to you and frankly, we don't want to be too attached when you decide that.... well, we're not the guy for you.
You do realize that you did it to yourself right? Perhaps if you were more secure and happy, it would give your bf more hope that you won't leave him. At least, I would....
so, until then, I would be like.... she's never happy and she's always tripping about things.... I'm not sure how long this is going to last... so, I better not put too much effort in to because it's just going to be a waste of time and besides, it'll make it easier to let go when she finally leaves.