No one wants to leave, even when they want to leave, no one wants to “break up their family”.

But what you’re living in isn’t a family, he’s a brutal person that is torturing you and your children. You can love a person and still be better off without them. You cannot be whole when you constantly live in terror. I wish you safety, emotional safety and strength to take care of yourself.

I just dont know what to do. I dont know where to go. My kids are too busy and too much important stuff going on in their lives to disrupt them. I just cannot do it to them. I cannot make them have this on their minds. They are such good kids it makes me sick.
I pray and pray that things will get better. But not only will they not get better, this whole sports thing is going to blow up and will get alot worse.

Hugs my friend. But what are you teaching your kids. That it is okay to be treated to badly. They know what is going on. They are not stupid. But they are wrapped up in their own little world. You do not have to disrupt their lives. They can continue doing what they are doing. Just tell them the truth, not bad mouthing their father. You will be fine. I went through the same thing. Get a therapist, financial advisor and a lawyer lined up. You will need them in your corner. My son now has his own business and my daughter has 2 university undergrads, a master degree and a paralegal certificate. My divorce was from hell. He made Stephen King look like an amateur fiction writer. I lived with my ex for one year after I filed for divorce. Hard as it was, I took full advantage of it. When you see him, just smile, turn around and walk away. You do not owe him anything. Take care and be safe.

You have made the decision to stay. You've decided that divorce will destroy your kids and you "cannot do it to them." That is okay if it works for you.

The answer now is to find acceptance and let go of wanting him to change. Finding the change within you to create your own good life within the bad marriage and bad marriage partner.

It's hard work. You are fighting being the change agent in your own life.

Whatever we do in life, it is never as easy as we want it to be.

Big hug Marian..... I agree that the kids see this going on all of the time... This is their lives and I think that seeing this would already be really damaging and disruptive

They think this is normalcy

We all know that this is really hard.... I sent you a link before with contact info for abused women .... If I were you I would involve yourself in this type of group.... They are everywhere and it can help you to take the next step for yours and your children's wellbeing

Baby steps are good steps..... xo

Thank you all for supporting me. This is so hard.
He is such a actor too. Like earlier he was yelling at me how my son made this poor choice in transferring and how it’s not a good fit etc (my son is a straight A student ) in college. Meanwhile my son calls him and they talk like an hour about a computer project my son has; after just a little earlier he berated me over my son. Then husband comes to me and says , son and he spoke like an hour about this project. (Like nothing ever happened; like he didn’t just call his son names to me and me names).
So he has extreme issues. It’s true that he bullies me because he can. So I really don’t know what to do right now.

My mom is STILL in this type of relationship with my dad....IT RUINED OUR WHOLE FAMILY & WE ALL HAVE PTSD & struggle to deal with how he treated/treats us! I finally broke free and am in therapy. This could be your family if you keep enabling his behavior by staying. I know have struggles with being angry & disappointed at my mom for allowing it all these years. PLEASE make sure if you can't do the best thing for YOU, that you do it for your son.

Very true. I sometimes don’t think of the other side that they have already been hurt by him through the years they lived here. He talked to them at times quite poorly.
Thank you for teling me this. I’m sorry for you that you had to go through what you did. I know both my kids (20 something’s ) have anxiety. My daughter (although successful) will tell me. My son I can tell. And it still goes on that he can’t make his own decision for his life.
I know I have to do something. I will not let my kids be hurt. As soon as I get to see my kids I will talk to my daughter first about what is going on. I wish they were closer because I would be doing it sooner.
I have a therapist so I will talk to her about how to talk to them.

And Suncloud, I don’t want them to think it’s normal to have a marriage like this.
I have told my daughter, she has a super nice boyfriend, what is important ( not what you have but how you are treated ). Her boyfriend is respectful to women. Actually he had a horrible father so he vowed to never be like him.

Try to read the book "respect me rules" it helped me set some boundaries with my husband and made things more tolerable. (Not perfect. And he it still a narcissistic sociopath but it definitely helped with some of the ways he was speaking to me and treating me)
If you can and havent tried it yet people always suggest we try marital counseling.
I am here if ya need an ear to listen. I am in a similar boat. Verbal vomit from hubby to me, blaming me for everything. But i dont want/cant leave.

Hi Marian, I think you have had great advice here. I imagine that after living in your situation you may not be seeing things as an outside observer would. You are too close and it's giving you myopic vision imho. You say you don't know what to do, but I bet that deep down you do but don't want to listen to the inner voice because change is scary and hard. I say this with compassion not judgement because I've been there myself. Not this situation but one where I really resisted change when I knew it was necessary. Not wanting to disrupt your adult kids lives is pointing to your avoidance.
The big lesson that I've finally learned...... no one else is responsible for my happiness. If you have had enough then you will find the intension to be done with this stage of your life. Or you haven't had enough yet and you'll stay....
The thing that took me a while to get my head around is that I have the ability to love myself and know that I am able to take care of myself. Should be obvious, right? For those of us that didn't develop this confidence it seems like it's a million miles away. The thing is, it really isn't. That's just our mind stuck in it's habit loop. To break out of the rut you're in you need to give yourself a good kick in the ass. This isn't something you can avoid anymore. Action is required!!
I wish you the best:) My suggestion; every time you feel like he's putting you down do something to help yourself become a stronger individual. Go for a walk or shut off the tv and start a book with a cup of tea. These kinds of small acts of self care go a long way when they're added up over days. You can shift your whole perspective on life if you really want to.

I’m sorry you’re going through this… sounds really tough. I actually have experienced similar situations. I have tried however to keep the peace and talk gently and kindly about issues. He has continued blowing up over the smallest things. We are going to therapy to try and figure out where the anger is coming from ( I have not been perfect) but I’m trying to remain hopeful and work on the root causes of the anger. Have you two tried therapy yet? I can relate to the loneliness you may feel at night when they don’t come to bed or leave because they’re so upset. Hang in there I would say look into what the problems are and I hope you can both work on them. I’m currently working on humility… my heart has hardened over so many arguments and feeling like a child when my spouse pushes for sorrys when I don’t feel they’re necessary but rather a resolution and adjustment. I hate feeling like a child. I don’t know… humility could include seeing both sides and mutual sorrys. Softening our hearts to see the others point of view and giving some validation. I hope its given on both sides though because tha’ts what I’m struggling with is he wants validation 24/7 but can’t give me much. I don’t blame you for not wanting things to change because these are BIG decisions that will affect all of you. I would say take your time with that decision and exhaust all options before making it. I have been divorced before and it is very hard. Sometimes it may be the best option if things like abuse is going on, but i think many things can be discussed and worked out before it reaches that point. I suffer with anxiety, depression, and bipolar all which got diagnosed in the first few months of my new marriage and it has been SOOOOO ROUGH. But we’re hanging in there. Every time we humble ourselves were able to listen better. But it’s gotta be mutual. There is no big dog, there is two people trying to make it work. Both humbling themselves and loving and trying. Hope my experience can help just a little. Hang in there. You are incredible. Feelings are very valid. But you got this. We got this. Try putting a little smile on your face today and lets be grateful for one thing today. Maybe that’s your son today and me I’ll be grateful for my daughter. :). A day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time…

SayYes I do the same. I do not initiate, I do not yell or scream, I do not call names. WHen I recently brought up the name calling he actually asked "why dont you call me names" So he even realizes it.
I have come a long way with these fights. As I have mentioned I used to beg him to not be mad at me or apologize--even if there was no reason to.
And yes, one of his major complaints in our marraige is the intimacy is gone. Well I certainly can take blame for that. But it is hard to want to be close when you are told you are to blame for everything that has gone wrong in life.
I also suffer from anxiety terribly. Started back on medication because I thought I could handle it but I am truly miserable.
Thank you and good luck to you as well