So I have a crush on my coworker and pretty much myself and the rest of the late 20 somethings in our office know, because I confessed at happy hour the other day. I'm not even sure where this crush came from considering I usually become very self-conscious around people I'm attracted to and I have worked with him closely on several projects. I just sort of "realized it" the other day. That said, I'm trying to write this the way I'm thinking, which is anxious and self-doubting, so please refrain from any criticism or negative comments and understand this is my flow of thought and my rationale vs. reality.

I've been told by many men I've dated, I know, who I've met, that I'm a beautiful girl and I could have any guy I wanted. Actually, it's become kind of comical because I really think the majority of my most casual relationships (hooking up) have been based purely on my looks, and not as much my personality... it's not uncommon, but then again, when guys say this, I roll my eyes because your looks can lead you to believe certain people are the right ones for you.

The real problem is, I don't think I'm attractive or as outstanding as some people say I am. It's a real confidence boost, but when they say that and my response is, no I'm not really, they're like come on stop fishing for compliments. But I don't feel beautiful, I don't find myself physically compelling (apart from the fact that I am curvy, big lips, and blonde), I really think attraction is subjective and I'm honestly probably sub par. I don't find a lot of myself attractive and wish I could be like other girls. This comes into play when I talk about my crush on my coworker because of my severe anxiety and confidence.

He isn't the kind of guy I'd go for by any means- I've dated professional athletes, REAL handsome ken dolls, and overall jerks; this guy is soft-spoken, quiet, on the smaller- side height wise, and just not somebody I'd generally go for. When a few people have called me beautiful and that I'm a catch, my mind goes to "oh my god, when he finds out I said I had a crush on him, he's going to freak out and avoid me, or he's going to be disgusted" Naturally, this has led me to some anxious talks w/ my coworkers, and they're like "well i wouldn't ask him out on the job... or hit on him on the job.." and i'm like well DUH! But inside, I'm wondering if one of them told him, which they say they didn't, but I'm so anxious now, because when we were all out drinking they were like YEAH GO FOR IT! WE'RE GONNA SET IT UP! Now that we're not drunk and at work again, they're quiet and kind of more practical on the issue.... that creates anxiety for me because of the stark contrast between enthusiasm when I first told them and now. The guy I'm crushing on has been away for a few days too, so I don't know if when I see him tomorrow, he'll come in to work knowing... He's a pretty relaxed, kind person, only 2 years older than me (i'm 27) and from what I've heard, is looking for a girlfriend and dates A LOT. He doesn't shy from talking about his experiences to his other male coworker, who told me, and is now the one flipping back to a more reserved side and said he hasn't told him, but that I shouldn't openly hit on this guy during work... I'm not stupid like that. But this guy was also the one who was SO enthusiastic to hear I was crushing on this guy and told me to go for it... so I'm like... did he tell him and does he know something I don't?

My insecurities about my physical attraction, the fact that I kind of openly admitted to a crush, and now, what this guy I'm crushing on will think are taking a hold of me and this small little minor crush has become a GIANT dinosaur in *my* reality. My friends say I am beautiful and I can get anyone I want, that this guy would probably be smitten to find out, but I have beaten myself up left and right, anxious over when I see him tomorrow, it'll be so awkward, I should just quit my job.....It's impossible to avoid seeing him at work because I sit at the front and see everyone when they come and go. He's friendly but quiet, and I don't think he'd ever "report" anything given he talks about his sex life w/ his coworkers. I haven't done or said anything to him directly, so if it's a rumor, it's a rumor. That said, I don't know how to hold my confidence and remind myself that I'm worth it and I'm not below him, that he's not out of my league... which is just not true because, I never even considered this guy to begin with. I am so anxious on how he will react. I don't know what to do. I have been in turmoil all weekend over it.