Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Been married twenty years.....I can't remember the last time my husband and I went out and had fun together. I spend most weekends hanging out with my single/divorced girlfriends because he never will go out with me...spends every weekend home on the sofa. I have asked him to go out with me but either he says yes then at the last minute comes up with an excuse why not to go or he just says he is not up to it. If I am not out with friends I am usually alone most of the evening as he will spend all nite watching news channels.....I work two jobs and look forward to a little down time with him....nothing fancy....even just out for a burger and a beer, but it just doesn't happen. I have given up on going out with other couples because when I make plans he never wants to go or always leaves early...and most times we get invited somewhere I go alone...if his family invites us, he will come and then he leaves early leaving me there by myself....this is really beginning to get to me and I feel so alone...thank goodness I am able to work so much to keep myself busy!
I can see how this situation with your and your husband has brought about feelings of loneliness. Being able to spend time in a different scenery and amongst others does help relieve stress and helps you bond over laughs and drinks. I would be concerned about what's at the root of these anti social tendencies he has come to withdraw to. I personally also don't like to go out much, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and just didn't much enjoy it (due to low self esteem, low confidence, etc.). We tend to commit to a life of low expectations and decide that type of lifestyle isn't for us. But in the end everyone has the ability of conquering those fears and doubts enough to finally enjoy spending time out and about, we just have to combat the issues causing the insecurities or fears.
Talk to him when you're both in a mellow setting and let him know you're there for him. You're there to listen without judgment and want to see him happy. Happy in different settings, enjoying life with you in different ways other than just in front of the television. When he sees your intentions aren't just to have someone to go out with, but you're concerns are really about him, and seeing him happy perhaps he will be more open to sharing and thinking about what's really keeping him from finding going out a chore rather than a celebration.
Perhaps your husband is depressed and is finding comfort in the rut. This can be a healthy thing, but after 20 years or so it can be a crutch and damaging to his self esteem and general outlook on life.
Make a deal with him that you'll both explore this together and find a way to compromise so he feels excited to explore the world with you (even the one just a few steps away from your front door). Taking a walk around your neighborhood at sunset, turning off the telie and conversing in bed, anything that will get him out of the rut and on with life. Sparking inspiration and a zest for life will not come easily at first, but baby steps will finally get him comfortable enough with the idea...once the issues are also talked about.
Good luck to you both :)
Or unplug the TV.
I am amazed you have dealt with this for 20 years!
Maybe he is depressed?