Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My BF and I have been together for 17 yrs and have three kids together. The majority of the relationship has been rocky to say the least. We have broken up several times, he has cheated on me in the past, he has hit me in the past, and can be verbally abusive and controlling. He hasn't laid a hand on my in at least 6 yrs and has actually gotten alot better for the most part, but I've changed. I used to be a very affectionate person but not anymore. He doesnt like to kiss which I love so I learned to live without it, he doesnt "go down" so I learned to live without that too. I used to love to cuddle but he would always push me away talking about its to hot for all that right now. Well now that he decided he is ready to change and be a better man because he loves me I just don't want it. when he tries to hold me i don't want it, it aggravates me. He asks me everyday if I love him and it aggravates me like I am tired of having to constantly reaffirm it. I really feel like I wouldnt care if he just left me, but I can't put him out. He has no $ no job, he only has a truck because I bought it, he stays at home with the little ones and I just feel stuck. I love him I wouldnt wish anything to happen to him but Im not in love with him and feel like my life would be alot more peaceful without him. He says I am not trying to make it work, that I just keep bringing up the past and that we cant move forward if I keep bringing up the past. Maybe thats true or maybe I just don't want to fall for his crap again that he is trying to change to get blindsided by his anger when he goes off again and starts beating me down with his words. He also always accuses me of cheating which is a joke I have never ever cheated unlike him but he is always saying crap like "why u didnt call me on ur lunch? you were with someone else right? or what took u so long to get home from work u went to see ur other man? and Im like 10 minutes late. So am I tripping or is he completely insane?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Often, when someone repeatedly accuses you of cheating, it's because they themselves are up to no good, and it makes them paranoid. I wouldn't doubt it if he was up to his usual self while you're working, I hate to say. If it were me, I'd buy a nanny cam and hide it, to see what he's up to during the day.
I understand that you are doing the best anyone can be expected to do in such circumstances, yet it's important to keep in mind that children mirror their parents habits, good and bad, so their environment in their early years is important and will shape who they are as adults.
Jobs are not hard to come by, if you're willing to work, so I wonder if he's just screwing the pooch. I apologize ahead of time if he's physically unable to work, as I didn't catch that in your post. If you have been supporting him, buying him a truck, repairing it, and bringing home the bacon, and he were a good man, he would be bowing down to you.
Perhaps you need to put aside feeling sorry for him, and think about your future, and what you see for yourself, and start aiming for it. You are a strong person, he isn't, yet, he's weighing you down in a big way. I don't think he'll change until change is forced upon him. Some people an incentive to get going, but if he has a history of reactive anger, that is something that has to be dealt with, in other words, 'lay a hand on me, or denounce me one more time, and I'll ask you to leave, because no one deserves that.
I wish you well.
You are not married to this man, thank goodness. You are free to leave him whenever you decide you've had enough.
First lets cover the abuse and mostly control. That is his intention when he abuses you and he uses many forms to do it. Physical abuse in my opinion is not as damaging as the emotional and verbal even though Physical abuse should never be condoned nor tolerated as it usually leads to much more. These forms break down your core being and belittle you into something your not, but yet after enough time you start to believe the abuser is right. It also sounds like he is starting to become paranoid thinking you must be cheating, because he did and he knows he is not fulfilling your needs, wants, and desires.
My suggestion is to start thinking about your self and your own happiness. You have spent a good portion of your life being abused and even cheated on which destroys trust and is very hard to come back from. The children are very important, but whats more important is to raise them right and teach them what acceptable in life and relationship. So many people damage their own children by tolerating abuse and that teaches them that its ok. You are only given one life and you need to do everything you can make it a good one.
Best of luck.
I especially agree with what Lenoire wrote about the children ... boys are learning that this is how men are to act and girls are learning this is how I should be treated in a relationship
He could work if he chooses to.... You and your children deserve happiness and peace.... I wouldn't simply put him out because of his violent history... Perhaps you could call a woman's shelter if you're thinking of making a change to make a "safe" change
Big hug for you and a blessing.....xo
Just start making a plan, if nothing else.
I would seriously consider seeing a lawyer to find out your rights, in case you're doing yourself damage by keeping him as a dependent or common-law spouse. It would also serve as a record in case he gets weird when the shit hits the fan, and attempts to accuse you of something for personal gain. You need to cover your ass. Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are going forward.
I would talk with a Woman's Abuse Shelter or simply call a hotline for abuse.... There will probably big legal numbers to call etc and perhaps a lawyer who may donate some time or work at a cheaper rate.... These will be big sources of information.... People can act out when they know that you mean it......xo