Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have a dilemma. Yes, I am a grown woman and my mother pays my cell phone bill. I have been on a family plan for over 10 years. Now I must say that I have often attempted to separate into my own plan., but my mother always makes a big deal of it. I know this may seem minor, but it is not to me. Recently my mother has asked to pay a portion of the bill. Again, people might saw go ahead and pay it; But I do not like to owe people or people charging me. Again, it is a small amount so nothing that will break me. Don’t get me wrong, my mother does not need for anything. I have not mentioned my father, but my parents are still married and neither work. They own property and have rental homes.
My mother is the type of women that “needs to be needed.” I am the youngest of three girls and the only one that does not need my mother for anything. My older two sisters have made decisions in their lives that they require assistance. One of my sisters require assistance daily from my mother. My mother takes care of her kids. My mother also pays my oldest sister phone and nephew and she sends them money. My mother does not ask anything of them.
No one helps my mother with anything. On a regular basis, I do. I have previously gifted her with all expenses paid vacation trips. I was planning on surprising her with a trip to Honduras for Mother’s Day. I do not know why now I am questioning that. I guess I might feel like she does not value that fact that I am not a burden and I do. I am proud of my accomplishment and value my hard work. I wish my mother could see for the women I have grown into.
I would like to add that she constantly tells me that it is time to have kids. I am well in my thirty’s and plan to have kids when the time is right but not before. I have avoided the mistakes my older sisters made and have accomplished much more. Again, my nieces and nephews are not mistakes but that is not my journey. I am open to giving life but not before my time. I feel as if she wants me to have kids so that I need her.
Help? I am not selfish but often feel as if I am.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
As someone who has seen family members take advantage of Mom, I have learned to remind myself that Mom is an adult and she can choose who to help. Only if she asks me to help her cut them off, I am to butt out. All my siblings have used her assistance at some point in their lives. I am glad she was there for them. Now I know should I ever need anything, she will be there for me too. You don't need to feel guilty for acting like a grown up. Just do the right thing and you will be okay.
The boundaries between self-care and selfishness sure are fuzzy and all too often messy. I never really knew my own mother, so I feel those messy parent-adult child boundaries far more as a mother than as a daughter and. . . I think "Narcissistic" is the currently popular label for a mother who tries to assert self-care into the parent-child relationship. Maybe. For sure I don't believe any of the adult children in my life know or appreciate the woman I am when no one is calling me, "Mom."
Then we get to those messy questions of whether either parent or adult child ever get to see, much less know the other outside the parent-child relationship. When either of us walks into the other's life, the parent-child bond goes with us.
Hope I'm not rambling too far off topic. Mostly wanted to welcome you to DS.
Second, could mom and dad be having money issues?
Rental income is notoriously feast or famine. And sounds like your parents are helping a number of people. Some parents really don't like to "worry" their kids and they might not be telling you about their struggles.
If you don't live nearby, maybe it might be a good time to go back to visit and see how they're actually doing.
I don't know...just my quick thoughts on the situation.
As Missred wrote you don't have to be on a family plan if you don't want to.... That's up to you
I think parents always like to do little things for their kids if there's a close bond no matter the age..... My folks used to always give me a 100 bucks along with Christmas gifts and it didn't matter how old I got I still always received that monetary gift
If you're able and want to give your mom a trip that's really nice
My mom is gone now ... Unless it's something that really bothers you and if it does I would speak up ..... but if it doesn't I would just pay your share and let it go..... It's just a portion of a bill that you'd be paying anyway isn't it?......xo
“People are different. Your relationship with them is different. Love them the same. Treat them differently. That is how you treat them fairly.”
My mom treated us all differently. I understand why, now.
Pay the bill and just move on. I don’t think you are selfish, but just trying to sort out the dynamics.