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I started seeing a very nice, caring, generous guy recently. He is a total departure from my usual emotionally unavailable and/or self-absorbed type. Maybe that's what's freaking me out. When guys are too nice or accomodating, I become a complete commitment-phobe. I have a lot of defenses built up based on past betrayals, and it can be easier when there are natural distances (emotional unavailability) built in. Otherwise, despite best intentions, I become withdrawn and kind of passive aggressive. I also have some reservations about our long term compatability. I'm just not at the point that I can be SURE he's what I'm looking for. We've talked at some length about my issues, and he is very understanding. I've told him to be patient with me, but I'm not ready to make promises I can't keep. Yet the implication is there that we are exclusive, not dating other people.
Anyway, before I started dating this guy, I made plans to go visit my "traveling companion" (i.e. friend with benefits) in another state. I think he is also part of my buffer system to avoid commitment. We have an arrangement that is reasonable when we are both single, not so much when dating. The guy I'm seeing knows about the trip, but not the extent of the involvement. It's pretty likely we will sleep together. In my mind it's a matter of compartmentalization - we have never "dated," have no real emotional investment in each other, exist in a realm separate from the real world, etc. But part of me is calling bullshit on myself...am I right?
Anyway, before I started dating this guy, I made plans to go visit my "traveling companion" (i.e. friend with benefits) in another state. I think he is also part of my buffer system to avoid commitment. We have an arrangement that is reasonable when we are both single, not so much when dating. The guy I'm seeing knows about the trip, but not the extent of the involvement. It's pretty likely we will sleep together. In my mind it's a matter of compartmentalization - we have never "dated," have no real emotional investment in each other, exist in a realm separate from the real world, etc. But part of me is calling bullshit on myself...am I right?
If i were you , and i was at one time, i would still date the new guy as along as he is crystal clear that you are not ready for a committed thing but i definitely would NOT have sex with him. Anyone, but him.
If he gets tired of this, he is free to go and you owe him nothing, no broken heart.
I am able to separate love from sex, but i think sex does cross some boundaries when there are feelings involved and you cant uncross them back . It wouldnt be fair to this guy.
It is time to come clean and be honest with this new guy. He deserves to know that you are not exclusive and that you will be seeing other guys. It may end your relationship, but he deserves to know the truth.
I question why you feel the need to be SURE when the thing with the new guy is a pretty recent thing. Are you buying into the whole notion that you should know right away if he is the guy for you? I don't believe in that at all. It takes time to get to know someone. I have a feeling that you are keeping the FWB guy on hand so that you have an excuse to bounce out of anything that is new and scary to you. But on the flipside, keeping FWB guy around will pretty much guarantee that any good guy who does wander your way will hit the pavement soon thereafter, as most guys don't want their GF's in one of these situations on the side.
What would be so bad about giving up the FWB guy? You know there is no future there, and right now it has the potential to ruin something that may be a good thing. If you're more concerned about being happy right now than potentially being happy in the long run, then by all means, keep FWB guy around, but don't expect to find a great guy while your spending time on him.
But if it means you want something different than new guy wants, then thats all it is - two people who want different things.
Who cares if theres no future with FWB? If you enjoy what youre doing, and are more interested in living in the moment, then keep on truckin with FWB - but make sure new guy knows that.
If you want to start settling down, then cut it off with FWB. That doesnt mean you have to stick with new guy, but you wont be able to find anything worthwhile when youve got a bed buddy on the back burner.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not be ready to commit to new guy. You can't force yourself to be ready. But since he's under the impression that you're exclusive (rightly or wrongly) he deserves the truth.
It would be really difficult to tell new guy.. "ya know that trip I'm going on" ??.... "I'm pretty sure I'm going to be doing the horizontal Mambo with my friend".. " cool huh" lol
If you cancel the trip your "Friend" will never see you again? That's odd.
How about you call the friend you are going to see and tell him you have a fella at home and though you will be coming to see him... he should keep it in his pants when you get there?? Maybe he will go for it.
ORRRR... Tell him you think new guy gave you the "gift that keeps on giving" ( insinuating you have an std) and tell him .. "You don't want any of this, Not Good" lol
That's all I could come up with.
I'm a little different, and will likely be branded the harlot, but I'd go....hook up and come back and not worry about it. It's highly unlikely old friend will suddenly declare undying love.
Ya know the saying .. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you"
Well....
You say you're not really sure about the new guy... So... Imagine a scenario that when you are on YOUR trip.. he is hooking up with his 'old friend with benefits" If you can honestly say it would be cool with you.. then go for it.. cause you wouldn't be technically breaking the golden rule.
Or you could live by the old saying... "What he doesn't know won't hurt him... but what if you got pregnant and didn't know who the father was??!! Or actually did catch an std .. like I was joking about before..
hmmmmm. me thinks the poly lifestyle I learned about from another thread could have some big problems! lol
Thats not what a polyamorous lifestyle is.
(Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.)
Everyone knows about it, mututally agrees on it, and it does not revolve around sex.
swgirl78, what is it you WANT - a simple, non-exclusive, non-committed FWB, or a relationship?
If youre too worried about hurting new guys feelings, either end the FWB or end it with new guy. Neither choice will be worth it if youre going to wind up feeling guilty.