Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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arctic5 01/25/2014

He is the most wonderful, descent, loving, nurturing, tender hearted, good listener & responds 2 feelings kind of rare man. initially he wasn't "my type," but I was able 2 over look this due 2 ALL his other wonderful characteristics. Admittedly, I couldn't imagine myself being sexual with him, but I didn't just give up. It's been 6 months now & I love him 4 who he is & I know without a don't that man loves only me!!! But he has Parkinson's. He told me that he was recently diagnosed, 2011!!! That is not recent given the known, it's progressive & degenetive & has no cure, & "unknown", the rate @ which it progresses. I was was neglected, abused & was raising my teenage mothers, & violent alocoholism father's, 3 younger kids by age 5. I was married for 20 years 2 an emotionally, absent & mentally abusive man & raised 2 remarkable human being 22, 18 (There is. God,). I just ended an relationship w/ a selfish alcoholic & have been in individual & codendence therapy for 8 months & have really taken ownership of my parts. The problem is I'm in a good place in my life & I don't want 2 be a potential caregiver 2 a man that I've only known for 6 months. I'm a caring loving educated, homeowner, no debt, Christian, good income,honest, beautiful woman whose kids r in college... Am I selfish for not wanting a relationship with this WONDERFUL man!!!!! who I've observed rapid physical decline in 6 months? My heart tells me u deserve more.

keepingthefaithalive 01/25/2014

I can see why you're struggling with this...it's a tough question and ultimately it is your personal choice. Whatever choice you make is the right one. Try not to weigh into other people's opinions too much on this one...you don't need anyone's permission for doing what is right for you. If someone says that staying is the right decision you'll only feel bad if you leave, and you shouldn't. Think about it, pray about it and feel good about whatever decision you come to. Remember, this man is not your husband, you didn't make any vows to him, and he did wait a very long time to tell you. Dating is the screening process to see if someone is going to make a good life partner, this information about his Parkinson's is very relevant to making that decision, even though it's not his fault. If you were married to this guy I'd say you should honor your vows...but you're not even engaged and you're still in the getting-to-know you phase. Think about everything in the big picture and give yourself permission to do whatever you feel is right for you. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this sad situation.

Multi-Chara 01/26/2014

you're not selfish. its takes a lot to have to take care of someone with a terminal illness. it takes a strong mind, will, devotion and courage to enter into that kind of relationship where you are well aware of the outcome. you are not a bad person for wanting to commit in a relationship where you already know will end in heartache. with all that aside its up to you what path you will take. you can stand by this person to the bitter end either as a lover or a friend. be sure to make the right decisions for the right reasons and not the right for the wrong. if you feel the need or have the courage to do so talk it out with him so he know where you stand. whatever you choose to do know that, you're not being selfish and not a bad person.

CopingJust 01/26/2014

Not selfish no. I doubt I would take it on. there is no reason you can't remain friends with him though.........

arctic5 01/26/2014

I'm an so grateful for all the thoughtful & sensitive feedback from u all. We talked it out today & my eyes r swollen from tears. We will remain friends & I'll stand by his side, but I told him that I cannot overlook the 800 lb gorilla in the room. He has been in denial of this disease for 2 years. I have only known him for 6 months. I have encouraged him 2 get PT & OT as he has good health insurance. I mentioned that there should b a support group in town. He found 1 & we went together last Saturday. Again thank u all so much 4 the great insight!!!

Shine14 01/27/2014

I dont think its a seflish decision, in fact, its probably whats best for you both.
He wouldnt want you to remain in a relationship with him out of guilt over his disease, and he certainly deserves better than someone not willing/capable of taking care of him in the way he needs.
I'm glad you two are going to try to remain friends. Maybe your feelings will change in the future, you never know.

onetoomany 01/27/2014

If this guy had been your husband for the past 10-20 years then I would think you were being selfish.
But just dating someone for 6 months is very different. You are under no obligation.

My father has Parkinson's. He is only 69 but if you met him you would think he was 82.
He moves and talks and does everything SUPER slow.
He can still take care of himself at this point but you are right it is only going to get worse.

I am so sorry you have such a difficult decision to make but I for one would not fault you for wanting to move on.

Good Luck.

deleted_user 01/27/2014

First..
I'm sorry that you felt you were building something with this man...and then found this out.
( a little unfair on his part..I think..but can understand his fear/denial).

Secondly..I have to say you must be a pretty great person.
The way that you're standing by him as a friend is....inspiring.

jc

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