Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I made a comment two nights ago that really upset my boyfriend about something I used to do in bed with my ex. It just kind of came out and it TOTALLY was not intended to upset him. We were casually talking about our sex life and I said "Well that's happened in the past with one of my ex boyfriends". It was super casual and NOT ill- intended. He completely blew up in my face over the comment, and told me to get out of his house and that I was a fucking idiot. I tried to explain myself and say no, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings but I really didn't mean it like that it just came up! He wouldn't have it. He kept saying how I couldn't own up to anything and that I was deflecting the blame. I didn't know what to own up to because I truly did not mean for it to hurt him. My response was, "I'm sorry if it hurt you, but I can't own up to something that I didn't mean to do in the first place. You want me to own up to intentionally hurting you with that comment.. which I never meant to do!" He wouldn't accept it. He told me to "shut the fuck up" and rolled over and told me to go home. It was midnight, and I just laid and laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. I had an anxiety attack that he was going to break up with me or I had seriously screwed up things between us. I didn't mean for that comment to come out the way it did, but we all say things we don't mean. He said such hurtful, aggressive, MEAN things to me, and when I called him out on it, he didn't apologize. Telling your girlfriend she is a fucking idiot and to shut the fuck up, when all I do is try to please him, seems so disrespectful to me. Yet, I'm blaming myself for making the comment... the rational side of me thinks he overreacted, but the emotional side of me wants to beat myself up over it and let all his mean horrible comments slide by. The next day, he apologized and said he did overreact, and I said "you know that wasn't my intent". He said he knew, and we cuddled and watched a movie together. Things seemed fine. Yet, a full day has passed and I haven't heard from him. Do men dwell on things like this-- or was it over when we spoke about it and he has just been busy today? I feel like him not contacting means he thought about it again and is angry all over again. Am I the wrong one TO BEGIN WITH in this situation?
sometimes people , a lot of people (myself included) say some pretty mean and hurtful things when theyre mad. sometimes they say things they dont really mean ...either impulsively because they were hurt and reacted in defense without thinking..or because they know what they said is something that hurts you or pushes your buttons. its good he apologized and admitted he over reacted. he probably forgot about it after you talked and is just busy...give it anothet day and if you dont hear back then..id wonder what was up..
I'd say give him time to cool off. Then when he seeks you, let him know how him treating you like that is never okay with you. If he's that upset about something he should just leave and not say anything he'll regret. The way it was handled is a big red flag as to the way he thinks he can treat you. If you give someone permission to treat you in a disrespecting manner you are guaranteed to be treated like that and worse.
However, i have also seen some people continue to argue with people who are already agitated and this is the reaction ot produces.
My bf never talks to me this way, but i know that when he is pissed off about something it is best not to discuss anything and just let him calm down, otherwise i have a feeling it can turn into a screaming match. He was in an abusive relationship before and this is how they communicated - screaming and insults.
Idk if i would want to conitnue with someone like your guy...
If you are planning on continuing this telationship then it is probably a good idea to tell him that if he will call you names again it will be over.
People generally do not enjoy being compared to the EXs while argiung in a new relationship.
If i do make a reference to my past bad experinces, i try to say " I feel such and such because of my past experrinces and it makes me such and such . It would be good if you could do or say xyz . "
If i said to my bf " it happened to be before with my last bf" when i am addressing something negative, he would not be happy to hear it .
By all means, i am not defending the insults that he has dished out for you. He should treat you with respect.
You should rethink this relationship seriously and get out of it, before it escalates to physical abuse!
Best of luck !
Not only that, but it is not realistic of him to be under the impression that you didnt have a life prior to knowing him. Theres no need to overindulge, but getting THAT upset over acknowledging a previous relationship is flat out insanity.
Does he think you were a nun your while life until the day you met?
His behavior is not likely to change if you keep letting him treat you with such disrespect.
It might be a good time to ask yourself why you put up with that? And what changes you can make to your own internal dialogue that would avoid putting up with this in the future.
Negative self talk? Double standards that allow others to treat you in ways you would never treat them?
I would strongly think about walking away from this one.