Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Where does one begin? My father is an alcoholic. Has been since I am able to remember, although he did stop drinking for a significant amount of time in my teen years. My mother stayed married to him and he has always lived with us and supported us, although I never had any emotional support from him and I believe the older I get, the more it effects me, especially in relationships. I have never been able to complete anything in my life. I have never truly known who I am. I am always looking for my mate to fill the emotional void in my life which kills my relationships. I cry, all the time, lately. But, I always put on a good front, like everything is perfect in my mind. I wonder what it is like to hug my father and not feel uncomfortable, I wonder what it is like to ask him for advice or to talk to him about anything for that matter besides the weather and how is he feeling. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but just wanted to see if anyone else has had similar experiences and how you got through it as an adult. I know I can't blame my father for my emotional inadequacies, but I am sure he has had an effect on it. I am sick of being codependent and just want to feel happy being me, whoever that is....
Only thing I can suggest to counter that is to bully your way into someone's heart, starting with your father's. Annoy him. Demand his attention.
To figure out who I am, I tried being a pain in the ass, being too good to be true, being smart, being successful (by other people's standards). It was always a case of trying to figure out who I was in relation to other people. A lot of the time, it was who I was in relation to what I can do for other people- that's where my codependenc shows.
What I have been told (in books and from counselors) is that being raised by a self absorbed parent (either alcoholic or not) leaves you not having been "mirrored". Because their focus is generally not you when you are growing up, you find it hard to know who you are since mirroring is part of good parenting. You might then attempt to find out by helping, because at the very least, self absorbed people do relate to others from a perspective of what those people can do for them.
I'm still trying to figure it out. Very often if you were to ask me what I like or what I want I really don't know. I am so often focussed on other peoples' needs and the drama of those people that I have no clue what I am all about. I am getting better, but I'm just saying if you were not mirrored knowing yourself (and as a consequence, living your own life) is pretty challenging.
I think rather than bullying yourself into someone's heart it could make sense to work on finding yourself. Try to do that in relationship to people whose hearts are open enough not to require you to bully you way in. I'm not saying dump the friends or family members who have let you down in the past (though by all means, you could). It would be good to add in people (friends, coworkers, aquaintences, and eventually maybe romantic partners) who make you feel good about you. Seek them out, and take in the good that you feel from being around these people. It is likely that this type of people will also be accepting and encouraging of the "real you" to come out. That's why it feels good to be around these people. It takes practice figuring out who these people are, but it's worth it.
Good luck with this. I think it could take a lifetime, but it is so much better than staying stuck with the confusion that results from trying to relate to people whose sole focus is themself or their addiction.
X- Ava
I think recognising where the distrust and insecurity comes from is half the battle, and you might consider therapy in order to change the way you view relationships with men.
Good luck!