Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I feel very alone. My husband and I don't have major fights or anything, but we used to. Now we just sort of avoid all issues in the spirit of keeping our marriage and family going. In all honesty, I am very insecure. I am a little chubby and I don't have a particularly interesting personality. I can be honest about that. I am always second guessing myself and putting blame on myself, so I rarely address issues with my husband. Sex has always been very important to me. I love the physicals if it, but I am more into the kissing/romantic side of things. I have felt for a long time that I have been forcing my husband into sex when he isn't really into it. I then thought, maybe he just isn't that interested in sex. I know it isn't the stereotype, but apparently I have a bigger urge for it than he does. This led to me feeling even more insecure and wondering if he was disgusted by my wanting it "all the time" to the point that I can't even initiate it anymore. I'm afraid to.
Recently, I got in touch with an old boyfriend and we reminisced a bit. We only talked online, but I started wondering about other options. He said all the right things and I started toying with the idea in my head. Then yesterday he mentioned he just slept with someone and I felt hurt. I didn't really talk to him about it, just felt hurt.
I went to bed, then woke up at 2 AM wondering what my problem is! I am married! What was I even thinking?! Ugh.
But, now I am feeling like I have to fix things with my husband and I don't know what to do. He is fine with things the way they are. He doesn't like kissing or romance or sex or any of the things that make me feel loved. It's not that he doesn't particularly care for them, he really does not like most of them. He flinches when I lean in to kiss him and usually usher me away if I am initiating sex. He will hug me and cuddle with me, but it is kind of on his terms as far as where I can put my body and hands. It is frustrating to me, but at the same time I feel selfish like I am pushing him to do things he already doesn't want to do and that can't really be helping. I'm also afraid that if I have entertained the idea of cheating already, I may do it again and actually end up with someone else just to fulfill my needs for reassurance and love. That isn't who I want to be.
Recently, I got in touch with an old boyfriend and we reminisced a bit. We only talked online, but I started wondering about other options. He said all the right things and I started toying with the idea in my head. Then yesterday he mentioned he just slept with someone and I felt hurt. I didn't really talk to him about it, just felt hurt.
I went to bed, then woke up at 2 AM wondering what my problem is! I am married! What was I even thinking?! Ugh.
But, now I am feeling like I have to fix things with my husband and I don't know what to do. He is fine with things the way they are. He doesn't like kissing or romance or sex or any of the things that make me feel loved. It's not that he doesn't particularly care for them, he really does not like most of them. He flinches when I lean in to kiss him and usually usher me away if I am initiating sex. He will hug me and cuddle with me, but it is kind of on his terms as far as where I can put my body and hands. It is frustrating to me, but at the same time I feel selfish like I am pushing him to do things he already doesn't want to do and that can't really be helping. I'm also afraid that if I have entertained the idea of cheating already, I may do it again and actually end up with someone else just to fulfill my needs for reassurance and love. That isn't who I want to be.
Or he loves U and shows U in other ways because he has other stuff on his mind and sex isn't the top thing on the list.(that's how I am..and my hubby is frustrated a lot)
I'm in a different boat..happily married and currently pregnant. Just offering my opinion> Good Luck
You're drawn to others because this feels like the easiest way to proceed, but this is your marriage and marriage takes times of hard work. The hard work you have before you is opening the lines of communication up. Instead of passively accepting things as they are, you'll need to direct your energy to the source. Start asking questions about his actions, sit down and have the tough, difficult talk about how you feel (not how 'he makes you feel', how You Feel)
You 'both' are accountable for the environment of this marriage. and You both need to wake up to each other again. If you want things to change, ...the change will have to come from you. Relationships where the fire is going out and there is no talking..are destined for anguish.
Stand your ground, fight for what you need and see what happens. Otherwise everything you have with this man will fizzle to nothing and one day you may regret not trying.
Good luck hon.
Mommy, the problem is that any problem you have with yourself will be magnified during a marriage !
you said, " I am very insecure. I am a little chubby and I don't have a particularly interesting personality."
I had a terrible time dating in high school and college. I didn't marry my ex until I was 30 and that was THE FIRST really strong relationship I was in. The problem was that if I didn't feel secure or if she said no about making love, all my insecurities about never finding a date 10 or 15 yrs. before came flooding back and I would withdraw.
Then when you added the fighting we did (it's good that you don't fight too much) and the bad financial shape, then we basically got divorced.
& we don't want that happening to you, Mommy.
What do you think he would say if you suggested marriage counseling? Or isn't there a big enough problem to consider marriage counseling?
I'm going to say this like a drill sargeant:
First, work on SELF. Turn those negatives ("I am a little chubby and i don't have a particularly interesting personality") into positives ("I like my body and I'm interesting"). THEN work on marriage. Chances are, you'll leave this poor dude in the dust when you build yourself up.
First step: EXERCISE. If you don't watch the NBC show Biggest Loser Tuesday nights, do so. I'm anything BUT chubby, but am getting older and it takes motivation to keep me going to the gym. This show is so motivational, because it focuses on the whole body/mind/spirit connection. These people push through and purge their personal issues IN ORDER to lose the weight. Jillian and Bob (the trainers) kick ass.
Then, read as many self-help and any other books that pique your interest as you can. You need new mental stimulation. Your marriage is boring.
Let us know how you're doing.
Visit Healthy Sex here. They have some really good discussions on kissing.
I too am afraid I scare women off when I become the monster I am! And I've learned to accept that I WILL scare some of them, and that's OK! Someone, however, will NOT be scared of me, and will one-up my craziness with her own! That woman, whoever she is, will be the right one for me. We'll challenge each other; we'll build each other up.
This is why some women in the 40's do cheat. Men sex drive is in the 20's. So this is one thing to think about. Get a toy, don't have an affair. just my 2 cents.
LR