My sister and I are certainly much more affectionate with our children than our parents were with us. I struggle showing affection to partners. But there was a very toxic dynamic in the household that I grew up in.

I think it can be which parent he is emulating …. Has your husband been affectionate with your boys??

The same sex parent is the strongest role model

However in my family my father was cold and sometimes cruel and it had a much greater effect on me and relationships then my mom who was kind and more demonstrative

That is a very interesting point made here. My husband is not affectionate with the boys. He loves them and he helped take care of them like a good father should, but, no. He doesn’t love up on them. He was raised by a single mom. If we had girls, I know he would be different. Little girls love him! I grew up without my parents present and my mom made several bad choices that made me distrust men. My dad moved several states away and only saw him at Christmas. My 13 year old this year alone has been hugging me more than he use too which tells me craves attention but doesn’t say it. My boys are 17 and 13. I realize more by comments they say to me that they don’t have the respect for their Dad like they should. I know they love him, though. It makes me sad and I realize we have failed as parents.

You haven't failed as parents...… We all do the best that we can.....

If your son talks to you about this you can tell him that your dad loves you and although he can't show it in some ways he shows it in others such as he works hard to care for you for instance.. your father didn't have a father of his own to show him how to show love as physically such as through hugs but he always puts you and your brother first

You can always discuss this with your hubby and see how he feels and you can discuss it with your sons

One day when your son is older he'll know how well he was treated by his folks and if he want's to show affection more physically then he'll figure it out

I wouldn't beat yourself up other this...… Big hug.....xo

Interesting/good question. I have parents from another country married in a sort of fixed-up/arranged manner. Their generation typically doesn't show any physical affection toward each other. They never kiss or hug or hold hands. Never. Maybe once somehow, which led to me. However, I certainly felt loved growing up despite not being that physically affectionate a family. I am not a huggy type of person, but I've learned to be more physically affectionate in general. With a lady love interest, though, I definitely give and require physical affection. No doubt.

I was very affectionate with my kids. My former husband was not affectionate. With my current husband, we are very playful and affectionate. Hugs, etc. I try to hug my kids hello and goodbye. But I have a couple of estranged kids and when they are ostracizing me, I tend to not hug them. I will say that our kids often turn out differently than we "train" them to be. Everyone's brain is different. We can be very affectionate, loving, stable, nurturing, positive, non-critical, and our kids can turn out differently or even mean. With many of the younger people, they are not tuned into social graces, more they are used to social media and its single natured focus. Another aspect with your son may be that his girlfriend needs constant attention and approval or validation that she is okay and this is done with the physical. It could also be that your son is kind of a cold fish type. If this had been my adult child, I have learned to validate how they feel and then turn it back into a learning moment. Something like, "You are right, dad and I didn't hug or kiss much with you kids because we were raised differently, every family is different. But what do you feel comfortable with? Do you feel your GF has a valid point or not?" The thing is, we can all learn something new but we also have to know when criticism may not be valid. Not sure if your son was just talking and seeking your advice or being overly critical. Some of these younger adults feel it is okay to criticize mom and dad as not being good enough parents and we have to hold onto our dignity and self respect if this is the case. Instead of changing themselves to be better, it is easier to blame mom or dad, usually mom. But that is another story for another day.

@trinaseel

Hi--- It is so hard raising kids these days, isn't it? That is great that you son came and talked to you about this. Usually by the time they have girlfriends they tend to clam up and not share that much, so that is pretty awesome right there. Is it possible that maybe he just does not like this girl that much? Maybe she is more like a friend than a girlfriend which maybe makes him not want to be more affectionate..... Just throwing that out there. Everyone is different in families--- my husband was the one who was much more affectionate early on and now it tends to be me.... My daughter does not like to show affection in public even with her husband and her twin brother is the complete opposite and is very touchy feely and loving with his girlfriend. Also, if you are craving that attention-- ask your husband about it. We all have our love language. Have you ever read that book... The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It is a great read for you and your husband. It is enlightening. Don't be too hard on yourself :)

My family was not physically affectionate growing up, instead choosing to display our affections through humor and teasing. We also never said "I love you" but expressed our love and appreciation for each other in other ways - helping out, telling each other we appreciated the thought/help/whatever.

My husband's family is the complete opposite - physically affectionate and lots of "I love yous" constantly. We've been together 10 years.

It took me a while to "give in" to giving hugs (and even now, I wonder if there needs to be a little more "give" on their end because it's just not something I'm physically comfortable with. For what it matters, I'm very petite and it's just generally overwhelming/awkward/uncomfortable to hug.) I still do not tell them I love them though they are aware of it through my preferred and comfortable expressions - thanking them, sharing my appreciation for their thoughts/well wishes/what have you, writing "Love, (my name)" in cards.

For what it's worth, I also questioned my own family for not being physically affectionate (as your son did). I think it's a natural part of seeing and becoming part of other people's families. Now, though, I really appreciate my family's form of affection. It's as legitimate as physical affection in my eyes!

Thank you!! I love everyone’s responses. @blackbird_singing, my family sounds much like yours. We may not be overly physically affectionate, but show to in other ways. My husband will do many things around the house “acts of service” to make life easier on me. He will come home from work and bring the boys snacks and their favorite drinks. Even though words may not be said or the touch isn’t there, he shows us he cares. I think my teen was just making an overall observation of our family compared to his girlfriend’s family. I think it made me feel bad because I thought I was affectionate enough. I Appreciate all the feedback and support.

The fact that your son felt safe and comfortable talking to you about it says everything about how how well you have both parented your child.

My mom, whose parents and family were not always affectionate, told us when we were kids that she when she was young she had a friend whose family was really affectionate. That left such an impression on her that she swore if she ever had her own family she would hug and kiss her kids all the time. And she did!c. I left home at 18 and I don't recall a night when I was home where we didn't kiss and hug each other goodnight. I have three brothers who did the same with her.

My mom passed away in September and I wrote a eulogy which included that story because it was kind of a big deal to her, that she came from a stoic family and she chose to be different. I think that's remarkable to decide that the old way no ends here.

Your boy will be a wonderful man for being so sensitive and astute. Be proud.

Thank you, rmb!