When the ink was dry on my divorce papers, my ex became more..."my children's father" than my "ex-husband".

That shifted my thinking.

I could love his girlfriend, hate his girlfriend, not give a blank about his girlfriend...But...in my children's best interests, it was better for them if my ex had a stable happy relationship.

As it happened, it didn't all turn out like that. Instead my son went to her funeral, and I laid eyes on her for the first time directly.

But in my kids, Best Interests, I wish I had what you have. Maybe thinking about it from that side won't help, but it helped me.

And given what happened, it helped my kids.

I like the idea of changing your definition Of "who" he is. Actively deciding and practicing seeing and identifying him as your childrens father rather than your ex could nice this process forward.

Even if they aren't on cloud nine, stability within their home means a better life for your kids. Have you begin truly dating and enjoying it? When the kids are with him, use that time to enjoy your hobbies and friends and dating. Maybe taking the negative energy from your loss and going to the gym or taking up mediation.

Just some thoughts.

For me, it would depend if when I found out my husband had another woman, if I was under the impression that we were blissfully happy.
I would think if he were meeting all my emotional needs and I THOUGHT everything was "hunky dory"... Then it would be VERY difficult to come to terms with the fact that while I thought everything was perfect, he was sneaking around and found someone new.

If on the other hand, I KNEW we weren't connecting and our marriage was one in which my needs weren't being met and he wasn't really there for me emotionally, I feel I would have an easier time accepting that instead of working on our problems, he felt it easier to jump ship.

The reality is that you were married to a man who cheated on you. That right there makes him not a very upstanding human. So what does she really have?
Sure, maybe he is being true to her right now, but you know that when the going gets tough, he doesn't have commitment and try to work out problems, he looks for greener pastures.

I'm not saying he doesn't have good qualities, but he doesn't sound very loyal, I wouldn't take it personally. The New woman has herself a quitter in my opinion. She probably thinks she is oh so different and special and he would never do to her what he did to you.... but that is not true. He didn't cheat because you lacked something. He cheated because he is a cheater. and as Dr. Phil says.. "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you" ...
I guess it all depends on his age and marketability... I suppose some cheaters run out of charm and are forced to stay with the spouse they have when they don't catch other people's eyes as easily...

bottom line is, I wouldn't envy her.

I really wish I could seperate the man I knew and the man he is... thank you for that concept... so many things contribute to my feelings... I actually wish my girls spent more time with them... but he only has time when it's convenient... that adds to my resentment , him even choosing her over our girls...ugh... and Shastasue I was completely blindsided and I know that complicates my healing and acceptance too...envy is a bitter pill... and I just hate being such a bitter bitch...

Idk if one can ever get over something like that.
It is so much more than just OW, she is just a reminder of what he did to you and your family.

Seven years is a long time to be stuck in bitterness and anger clear... It's robbing you of all your todays and your daughters are bound to be aware at least of some of it... Kids are so in tuned to things...

Would you consider getting some therapy to help you to bury the pain ... It would be so great if you could look forward to making wonderful new memories for yourself...

Forgiveness is for you... It doesn't mean that anything that he did was alright... It just means it's time to move past this and give yourself permission to live and thrive again

Big hug and a blessing...xo

thank you suncloud... was in counselling for a few years... my counsellor moved and I've put off rebuilding a counselling relationship... I'm aware it's been a long time... and I want to clarify it's not a constant... in most areas of my life I'm quite content... but surrounding this part of my life I've never managed to fully forgive... definitely need to work on that... and yes kids are very intuitive...my girls are aware that their dads girlfriend and I aren't friends... but I feel so much pride in that I've never spoken a bad word about her or their dad... and left the details of his leaving to the explanation "we grew apart"... I appreciate all the replies... thank you all

I think that you don't have to accept her, you don't have to like her and you shouldn't force yourself to forgive him.
I think it is going to hurt forever and it is what it is.
Just have your bay day, drink some wine, allow yourself some pity, have a good cry and back on the horse the next day.
Being devastated by infidelity, especially when your spouse leaves you for someone else, brings the same type of grief as if this person died.
We never get over the pain caused by death, we just have bad days and move on. I feel this is a comparable situation.
That man as you knew him is dead . Once he did what he did, you saw that you really loved someone else.
It sucks.

Good advice, Aronia!

Thank you, Shasta...
Oh, and one more thing, Clearsky..
You may benefit from no more visits to Infidelity board.
After a certain time, I found that participating on regular basis only fueled the amount of bad days I was having in regards to my divorce.
It was like taking the scab off every time and bleeding again.